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My definition of love changed when I read an article a few years back. This was long before the ONS. It was even before my husband's alcoholism truly reared its ugly head...but it spoke to me that my husband didn't really love me. It's a horrible realization to make, but it was true. He thought he loved me, and he thought he knew what love is, but in the past six months since the ONS and AA he's starting to see how much he's missed out on.

http://www.boston.com/bostonglobe/magazine/articles/2009/10/04/will_he_hold_your_purse/

My husband still isn't at the point where he's a "will he hold my purse" husband. His mother still comes first for him. He's getting better - he's started to realize some of my actual preferences rather than the ones he's created for me over the years (which is horribly sad after knowing someone for 18 years that he couldn't even tell you what my favorite flowers are or my favorite foods or small details like that).

Don't psychologists just drive you crazy??

I have my opinion of what love looks, smells, feels like, but I think what your IC is trying to get out of you is what is your ideal picture (no matter how unrealistic it looks) of a perfect relationship. What do you want for yourself to be happy? What does your perfect partner need to provide to help make you happy?

Now it the time to dream big...be selfish...make up a love wish list eight pages long (and make your IC suffer by reading through it all...Muhahaha).

Don't you dare consider what anybody else thinks about your outrageously long and very demanding off the wall list of love requirements! It's not for them...this one is all for you!

My definition of love is all in the actions. Words are easy.

I know he loves me because

He is gentle, kind and patient

He spends his free time with me, if I am working he hangs out with our kids or other family members.

He asks before spending money, consults with me because we are a team.

He holds open doors.

He doesn't join in conversations that disrespect women or wives when we are in mixed company. Many times he will up and walk away.

He asks how he can help.

He encourages me to be healthy, make better choices but can often be found in the bottom of a half gallon of ice cream with me

He laughs with me, shares his fears, listens to mine. He doesn't disregard my feelings but helps me view things differently when I am off my rocker (who me??)

He plans nights away, asks me to do fun things with him.

He watches me while I sleep.

I could go on, but to me, it's love. It's actions that state someones well being is important....

and it's done every day without fail...because it is who he is.

He is love. When it's right you feel it.

Thank you, everyone, for your responses. He was just so damned good at lying and gas lighting I don't know what is "real" anymore.

I keep coming up with what my ideal relationship would look like, but there is already an undercurrent running through it all quietly whispering "are you sure?"

So am I doomed to this forever now?

I know how you feel. I was with WH since college. Everyone thought we would be together forever. I thought he was the most loyal caring person. In the space of a year he turned to a totally different person.

It just makes me think how do you really know how someone will react in a crisis? How do you really know anyone? I don't know if I believe in romantic love anymore...

It seems like it's easier sometimes to identify what love isn't, more than what it is. But I have seen some beautiful responses in this thread.

I'm learning many new lessons about love right now from my interactions with my son. Also from my Nana. I have a lot of memories of Nana that show me what it means. It's careful and much more slow-moving than what it seems to mean today. It's more deliberate, would be the word I'm looking for.

With my son, it's a nurturing. That's intertwined with love. It's also knowing someone. And to know them, you pay attention to them. You watch them change and grow. I watch my son's personality as well as his choices, not only the cute things he does. I watch how his mind works. I see where I need to support him, whether to encourage or to show boundaries. I see other times and places to let him explore. I'm ALWAYS thinking about what I will need to do to keep him safe. Always thinking about if there's anything that could cause him discomfort. Trying very hard to share his happiness with him, and when he smiles, to let myself be influenced by his joy. It's letting him to influence and even sometimes lead me in different ways. It's letting him become his own person, with a style different than mine, but with some of my groundings. It's also an ongoing struggle to improve myself so I can become a better mother, so I can overcome my own issues and not pass them on. To know better and to do better.

It's my willingness to let my son completely influence my life in all areas. It's to let him have such a big impact. And to aspire to doing better because it would honor and support him.

It's choices.

Lots of choices, and all for the aim of another person's well being.

I wish i knew the answer to that. My husband started his 2nd affair (i only know about 2) less than a month after we got back from a trip to paris for our 25 th anniversary. So i have no idea if he is being genuine or not. I doubt he knows what love looks like, evidently he thinks its getting a blow job in the church parking lot. If i won the lottery i'd leave skid marks out of here.

These posts have convinced me to question if my ws every truly loved me at all. I will say, reading some of the examples have restored my faith in real love. It is possible and I hope one day we will all have experienced it sometime in our life.

I have no clue.

Love that means anything is a verb - not a noun.

It is doing, it is decisions, it is actions, it is sacrificing and sharing. If it were merely a noun, it would be gone like the wind.

I feel like I have lived on both sides of this equation with my H. I think that he loved me the best he could (and not having anything to do with As) he was just too damaged by CSA, etc to fully be able to attach, give, and open himself up to anyone, including me and our children. He said I love you all the time, complimented me, genuinely seemed to like me and respect me. He would hold my hand. We went on dates, long romantic weekends and glorious trips and adventures together. But there was always something missing. He was selfish, for one. Never once do I remember him saying that he wanted to spend time with me; it was always me nagging for him to stop playing a game, etc and spend time with me. He was horrible at gifts and always had to be spoon fed and reminded. Sex was always on his terms. He never shared his feelings with me. I actually remember crying during the preview of a romantic movie because I felt like if I were to die my H would hardly mourn and move on quickly.

Now that I feel it I can really tell the difference. As many have said, he now puts me first. He asks to spend time with me, makes me a priority, checks to make sure I feel happy, loved and adored and goes out of his way to make it so (for example, drawing my bath in the morning to my exact temperature preference and then climbing in with me!). He checks in with me all day long. He anticipates my needs and helps out with chores, shopping, cooking, etc. Happily and without complaint. He spends tons of time kissing me and has become a better kisser and completely generous lover and loves it when I initiate now. He is romantic now and brings me cards for no reason and wonderful, thoughtful gifts. He is working at expressing his emotions and sharing his inner thoughts and fears with me. He just seems so happy to be with me and so focused on me. Now when we go to romantic movies I feel completely content. And I know that he would be devastated if I were to die.

This is what real love looks like to me.

To see yourself through another. You can love your spouse, family, neighbors, and everyone around you to improve your legacy. The problem is when a WS believes having an affair is an improvement.