SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In a bad place this a.m. Like I'm feeling a punch in my gut and just this sick sick feeling. I guess I've known. Known all along that aside from all the different PAs and EAs over the years this is like the first one (that I found out about). LTA where he abandoned us. DD was 15mnths. and 3 boys were 5,5, and 6yrs.

How could I have known this in my head, even paid "lip service" to the idea that of course he's seeing someone - but it is just finally really hitting me this morning????

Not sure if this is really a Dday since we've been separated since August (false R for 74 days)and I am moving forward w/the divorce and why why why does it even fucking matter??? And why why why do I even fucking care??? And why why why does it still hurt so fucking much.

I held it together this morning till kids got off to school (he has had almost zero contact w/them - he texts them multiple times daily but that's really it) but now I'm close to falling apart.

The worst part is I think DD11 knows and doesn't want to tell me. She will have nothing to do w/him right now - this only started a couple weeks ago and won't tell me why. We've talked about her feelings of being angry, hurt, etc. and I have told her she has absolutely every right to feel whatever she is feeling and can always talk to me or (insert several other close family/friends) but she is holding something back. She and I are very close and I just know she's holding something back. She has also been just a bit "standoffish" w/me lately until last night. She once again refused to see/talk to her dad when he dropped off DS 17 so I just gently said you know you can tell me anything sweetie - you don't need to worry about hurting me - to which she replied I don't like to see you cry. I told her I'm ok and this will get better. I've been sad am sad but I WILL get better. I changed the subject then to her, her school day, friends, etc. then left her alone. Shortly afterward I had my "old girl" back - wanted to "hang" w/mom again.

This is the thing - one of her very best friends that she talks to ALL the time - well his dad is one of my "former" friends (I am still cordial to him but that's it) - he has spent the last year drinking in the bar w/my husband and just generally hanging out drinking w/him constantly. Lots of drinking at his house w/his neighbors, etc. and everything that goes on there does so right in front of his 11yr. old son. (he's a single dad) I recently found out this former friend has known all along about my WH and has hidden/lied for him and even told his 17 yr. old son (who dates my niece) that if he told me he would be causing our divorce. SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK -

What I want to know is how do I handle this w/my DD11??? I DO NOT want to push her for information. I DO NOT want to add to her pain. I DO NOT want my children in the middle of this sick shit. But I also do not want her to think she has to hold the crap she's heard inside to protect her mother. WTF do I do?????

I'm sorry, KJac.

I would be very calm and matter-of-fact with your daughter. There is way too much lying, drama and secrets coming from your STBX so you need to be the one to take the high road and dial it down.

Sit her down and say something like "I know STBX is seeing someone. Honestly, I'm not happy about it but that is the way it is and I will deal with it. This is my issue, not yours. You don't have to protect me or take care of me, My job is looking after you. We will get through this and yes, it sucks right now, but 2014 is going to be amazing. Hang in there and we will be fine."

I know it's hard but try to stay matter-of-fact. It's hardly a surprise given your ex's past which doesn't make it any easier but that is the person he is.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 8:22 AM, November 22nd (Friday)]

I'm almost positive I have another coming soon as well. WW has been on her phone a lot and started playing the game again where she met OM#1. I see those half smiles on her face a lot more often. Much like when I suspected the worst the first 2 times.

Don't have advice as to DD just lots of hugs. But wanted to say that discovering another A, even after you are on the road to D (or D'd even) still makes an impact. It shifts and twists your past. It changes the story of your life. It is another loss and it hurts! For me (in time) it also brought a positive: It helped me to let go.

I could always sense a big discovery ahead of time. Didn't matter if it was something I'd find in the house, in The Garage, or something the kids would eventually reveal, my gut would tell me first.

(((HUGS)))

(((KJac)))

I feel terrible you are in this spot right now.

Another question regarding kids - I have to work tonight and STBX will be giving DS17 a ride home from a school activity - in the past he has used this opportunity to come into the house and "hang out" w/the kids (I no longer allow him past the entry) then instructed them not to tell me. DS11 told me this to which I responded how wrong it was of him to not only disrespect me but to lie about it and it is NEVER ok for him to instruct her to lie. I also told her never to worry about telling me the truth and I would not say/do anything that she couldn't tell her dad. She is not responsible for keeping secrets for adults - EVER.

My question is this, while I don't want to put my kids in the position of "providing me information", right now this is MY home, MY boundaries, and is it wrong of me to ask them when I get home tonight if he came in and, if so, how long he stayed?

You are asking for facts. You can ask but keep it simple and once getting the info, change the subject.