SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We had a big fight last night... Because I had my first rage outburst, and it took him by surprise... He quickly recovered from his knee jerk reaction to go on the defense. This morning he inititated the conversation. Which is HUGE. He's usually so guarded about everything, and just shuts down...

I struggle with this - as a WS.

I never think about the A or the OW - unless i am asked about them - then i reflect.

I think about what i did every day - the hurt i have caused with my actions - it haunts me, it nauseates me. I deal with it - i write about it to her - i say i am sorry - i carry on with my day, and try to focus on other things.

I see her hurting - it makes my stomach turn - i prepare myself for another talk.

I see her not hurting (outwardly) - the last thing i want to do is bring it up and bring up the pain to the surface.

Based on this thread it would appear that me not talking about what i did - creates doubt if i am working at it ....

I write a daily email to her - a feelings check sort - of what i am thinking and feeling. Email - because i can speak without being interrupted .... and i get it out to her. Does this count for bringing it up?

It is not that i want to do just enough to help her - i want to do all i can - but at times, i am not sure if i am hurting her more or pulling her through .... i don't know.

We are too close to D-Day (Oct 19, 2013) for him to discuss without getting defensive. I don't ask him a lot since he pretty much blogged the A in his fb messages with her. I know how many times they had sex, and where. I don't ask him about it, because he lies when I do. He's still doing TT. Because of this one affair, I've been re-evaluating all his other friendships with women. He is not open to talking about my feelings, he's too selfish about his pain which ultimately was caused by his A. I'm hoping the IC we are both doing helps. We have yet to start MC.

WH says he never thinks about the A but for me it comes up daily in my thoughts. If the A or effects of the A are brought up, WH becomes a man of stone.

Still painful for me...

qwerty2012, I guess the fact that my WH never raises the topic for discussion makes me wonder if he ever thinks much about it. The problem for me it is never far from mind. Not necessarily the ow or the affair but certainly the fallout, this includes my inability to trust my own judgement because I had absolutely no idea that it was going on. I struggle with how he could have possibly loved me when he behaved that way.

When we discuss things (if I raise it) such as his thinking at the time and the difference to it now, I gain hope that he is working on himself. I guess it is part my reassuring myself that a future with him is worth the risk I feel at trying to R. I am terrified that if he did this again I wouldn't survive it - I am not the happy confident person I was any longer.

I get that it is a chapter in his life he regrets and shames him, but ignoring it doesn't make the pain go away.

Perhaps the emails might work for us - maybe the rawness of it is still too hard for him to see in me. Thanks qwerty.