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Totally agree.

I have little info from FWH to go on except that he told me OW2 (8 yrs PA) was not well liked at work, was always getting into trouble and had depression.

SHE told me that he was always raving about how clever, popular and attractive I was. SHE told me that one night she said to him "If your wife is so wonderful what are you doing here with me?" (I guess she must have been pissed off by what he said. )

Many years ago (like 30 ) he saw an IC who told him he had low self esteem. (FWH told me this so I guess it's true.....but of course one can never be sure ). Poor pet - what a load to have to carry through life!!!

When I add up all these clues I come to the conclusion that you are spot on.

In a nutshell he affaired down to boost his ego.

Fabulous reason I guess. So worth losing your M to a wonderful partner

HUGS to all

Laura

Well my ws never said he wasn't good enough for me but every one of HIS friends did. It's funmy though cuz every time we argue, he says the same thing, you think your so damn smart. I am smart and he knows it. He hates it though. He lays claim to

every idea I have, acts like he thought of it.

I think his issue is more of a urge to go slumming'.

He dated skanks before me and his A is with one. He s attracted to sluts.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 1:52 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

Nope, AmazingWT, not too harsh at all.

The very things that he found attractive and fascinating with me (my IQ, my accomplishments, my ease in social situations, my sparkling personality, my kindness and empathy, my accomplishments, my leadership skills, my verbal skills, my quick thought processes, my job, my ability to follow a really good budget and save and invest) are now some of the very things that he "blames" for the affair--that I'm an Alpha Female, he's intimidated, his earning power was much lower than mine, he didn't have confidence etc etc... yeah, someone held a gun to his head for 7 years while he paid for a LTA, got the ego strokes, etc.

[This message edited by Hope2B at 1:51 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

I like this, and especially...

They are tired of feeling like we are better than them

.

I met my WW at the age of 16 (high school). We dated a little while later, while I was at University. I ended with a PhD, senior job in a government lab, then tenured academic and full professor. I didn't mean to make her feel I was better than her, I just thought we were growing up together. Obviously I was wrong. Low life POSOM, about who I've posted before, did not begin to compare on any external measure and obviously not on internal ones like integrity. But as he is so obviously inferior to practically everyone, he made her feel good and that was enough.

I think TheAmazingWondertwin has really solved the riddle. Thank you.

I don't think this fits for a majority of cases, but it fits for some cases and it did fit my case.

I was working on my Ph.D. at that time. My H is not really an academic type. We were having some problems and I will admit when he messed up with money, lying to me, borrowing from Peter to pay Paul, etc., and buying a lot of crap behind my back, I got very mad and called him names including stupid idiot. I regret that but of course neither he nor I view that as a "reason" for him to cheat. Still it is a fact that has to be looked at.

I would imagine on the same day, the whore looked up at him like he was God and told him what a brilliant business man he was (because that is how he seemed to anybody who did not live with him and share finances and bills, etc.)

He told me that at that time, he did feel I was too good for him. I remember this eerie moment a couple of months before D-day#1. I had felt up to that point, my H never noticed I was "smart." If the topic came up, he would downplay it and say people are smart in different ways and he was smart too, in different ways. I never disagreed with him on that, but I didn't feel he appreciated my "smarts" all that much either.

But on one particular day, he seemed to notice I was smart. I was studying and working on a statistics assignment on the floor as he noticed and said, "You really get into that stuff. What are you doing with somebody like me?" At the time, I was flattered and assured him that I wanted to be with him. But I thought, wow, he finally noticed I was smart! (after more than ten years of marriage!)

Little did I know where that comment was really coming from.

It turns out the Whore is a high school dropout trailer trash loser, who smokes. Nothing against smokers in general...I have friends that do. But my H hates smoking more than anyone I have ever known. I think the most baffling part of the whole story was that he would get involved with a smoker.

When it was all over, I asked "Why her?" His answer was because she was the bottom of the barrel and that is all he felt he deserved at the time. I always wish I could have recorded that, and sent the recording to her!

In the end, my H was my biggest supporter as I went through the most grueling parts of earning the Ph.D. Now he seems to embrace the fact that I'm smart and it does not bother him.

[This message edited by Bobbi_sue at 6:26 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

This is a very interesting theory. My WXH is very handsome, college educated and makes a great living, but he has the lowest self-esteem that I have ever seen in a man. I am an attractive woman, but I do not have mass appeal. I am a niche market. He is popular culture. I have struggled with my weight my entire life and he is naturally thin. At my lowest, I have always have some kernel of self -respect and self love. He is passive aggressive and filled with anger. I get angry, but once I have my say, I'm usually ok after awhile. He seethes.

The disparity between me and the woman he chose is so great that when I showed people pics of her, they looked at me as if to say "what did u do to him to make him prefer that". Eventually I got the message and stopped showing people cuz I was so embarrassed by his choice.

It took me a long time to understand that is his level. He doesn't have to work as hard to please her. She worships him and massages his ego. I loved him and thought he was the best ever, but I wanted some reciprocation. I wanted it to be about me too and when I got sad about us, he decided to go the easier route. I read somewhere, "if she's easy she wont be amazing". I am so glad that I'm appreciating myself more.

This is freaking me out just a little.

My husband, although more attractive physically than me, younger than me, etc. has always said that I was smarter, "better" FOO, higher standards, etc.

I don't know how true this theory is, but it sure fits the bill at our house. I have always looked at him as "settling" for ME. I wonder if it is possible that he looks at it the other way. It would even explain him saying that he does not initiate sex because he does not feel worthy or welcomed to do so.

Hmmmm...

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 8:30 AM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

I think the real question is - if that is true - is the answer as simple as changing their self esteem?

And then we are back to my least favorite phrase, "we can't do it for them".

My H said that, at his worst, he was still the best man she had ever known. He did not have to try hard to please her, and he did not have to be reciprocal in the relationship. It was the easier way of boosting his self-esteem.

I tell my kids, if you want self-esteem, do things that you can esteem. If you want self-respect, do things that you can respect. But that is definitely more work than just letting yourself sink down to the bottom of the barrel - some bottom-feeder there will think you're a god, no doubt, and you won't even have to try.

Even his choice of AP shows low self-esteem, IMO. I would have thought he could have done a lot better. But he wasn't looking to replace me - he responded to somebody he felt deep down would not be a threat to me or to our marriage.

Like it was said before it applies for some, but not for all I am sure. In my case it applied for bothe WH#1 and WH#2. Everyone has always said they couldn't believe I married either one of these men because I was so much smarter and more attractive then they were. Even WH#2's sister gave us beach towels as a wedding gift. Mine had a Barbie and WH#2's had Schrek. He even said because of my career he couldn't believe I was dating, then marrying him. He said you could date doctors, lawyers, CEO's, why me? Then he goes out and picks an ex-low-life GF to have an affair with?? Maybe it's me that actually dated beneath me and I am the one with the problem. I'll bring that up to my IC and friends and see what they think about that theory??

Wow.

I was in a snarky (hidden rage) kind of mood when I posted this, but I am really warming up to the idea.

Seriously-

Many descriptioins from your lives mirror mine.

SHE told me that he was always raving about how clever, popular and attractive I was. SHE told me that one night she said to him "If your wife is so wonderful what are you doing here with me?"

and

Well my ws never said he wasn't good enough for me but every one of HIS friends did.

and

that I'm an Alpha Female, he's intimidated, his earning power was much lower than mine, he didn't have confidence etc etc..

and so many more.

I know this is not all of it. There are so many layers.

But can I say that the A happened right after my promotion (which entailed beginning graduate school again for a third degree).

My husband is a smart man. A very talented man. Life circumstances were such that he was never able to complete a degree.

I spent years trying to show him how he was amazing in spite of what he saw as a major flaw. And he was. He overcame so many obstacles and became successful- without having the degree behind him.

I just realized I am wandering down a crazy tangent right now. Probably better for my journal than here...

It is just so interesting when we start dissecting patterns and histories.

They are tired of feeling like we are better than them, and so they go and find someone that they feel superior to.

Ego strokes.

Yes. My FWH admitted this. Both of the OW in his EAs were damsels in distress - and intellectually bankrupt. My FWH used to berate himself for not being as intelligent as me (which is not true; he has his strengths, I have mine and I thought that we complemented each other that way). And, I did not need to be saved; I wanted love and support, not to be his damsel in distress. His extreme need for ego stroking, lack of boundaries, and his KISA tendencies led him to his As. It was actually our IC/MC that brought this to light for both of us.

For me, this did NOT apply.

My XH and I were absolutely EQUAL - equal intelligence/IQ, equal employment circumstances, equal self-esteem issues. Neither of us EVER thought that we were "better" than the other.

It wouldn't be true NOW, since I've gone back to school and obtained a degree (or two), but at the time? Totally equal playing field.

My situation happened because he was in denial about his sexual orientation, it's as simple as that. I don't blame myself (anymore) for it, but at the time it was really, really hard to accept that I wasn't EVER what he really wanted out of life.

I wouldn't even be bitter about it, but that he just wasn't honest with me when he DID realize his orientation. If he'd been honest with me about it, we could have avoided so much pain.

But, c'est la vie.

One of the few things WH has been good about is reassuring me that the A was not about me, and that I didn't do anything wrong.

But I think the timing of the A is relevant. It kicked off in earnest right after I ran my first half-marathon. I'd really gotten into fitness, gotten into a new hobby, made new friends, and succeeded at a new challenge. I was successful at work, notably under WH's former boss who never liked him much.

Meanwhile OW was unhappy only six months into her marriage, clueless about books or politics, and a picky eater to a childish extent. I am sure WH got a kick out of being her KISA and molding her political beliefs and eating habits. He got to be the mature gentleman taking her to art museums and exposing her to culture. And he also got to be the immature dude pounding Red Bull & vodkas all night.

Of course it's a double edged sword. I'm sure OW affaired down with WH. I know next to nothing about her BH, but at least he meant what he said during his marriage vows.