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Well, tomorrow is my birthday. WW decided to come back home after being away for over 2 weeks. I've had very little contact with her. I've only told her that I only want to discuss matters of the D, which I filed for at the end of October.

However, she keeps wanting to talk about our relationship, why I don't want to try and save it. I continually remind her that the only way i will even entertain that thought is if she proves the A is over, there is NC with OM etc. WW says that she will only divulge that stuff in MC. I call bull on that b/c if you want to R then you would be willing to provide evidence immediately.

Well tomorrow is my birthday, and she got me two cards. Both talk about how i'm the love of her life and how she is glad i'm the one she married and isn't it our M worth trying to save.

Quite frankly i don't understand why she continues to give me stuff about this. She says she's willing to forgive me for the last 8 years of our relationship (8 years is dating, courtship, and marriage all rolled into one). If I was such a bad and worthless husband why did u stick around for 8 years?

I said what is her end game, the opportunity to give me TT, spin the story the way she wants it to be told. I told her that she can have the cards back and I left the house.

She refers to the A, as a mistake. I said why don't you call it an A, because that is what it is. A mistake is taking a left turn when you should have taken a right. She constantly says marriages have ups and downs. I said yes they do but the don't go in and out with another person.

I don't feel any desire to R with her, a few weeks ago this would have probably sucked me back in emotionally. Now I just don't feel like it at all, these beautiful cards didn't produce any feels for her at all. 6 mos ago b4 the A, yes I would have absolutely loved them. Now actually as I read them, they had zero meaning for me.

I guess this means I am really done with her, or is this behaviour b/c I've been doing 180 as we are going through the D process?

Honestly, it sounds like you are done.

If she was really serious about R, seems to me she would do the things you ask...why wait until MC? Doesn't make sense.

There is nothing wrong with being done. That's the thing about infidelity, ultimately, the betrayed has to figure out if he/she can forgive the betrayer and help repair the relationship. She has no right to guilt you back into a marriage when she is unable to show you she has gone NC with OM.

Reconciliation is a gift that only you can give. If her A and subsequent behavior if a deal breaker for you, then do not let her guilt you into it.

BTW, so generous of her to forgive you for the past 8 years. You can take ownership of 50% of the relationship issues prior to the A. But she owns all 100% of the decision to cheat. You owe her nothing.

I agree. If she was serious about it, if the relationship was really worth everything to her, then she would be fighting for it rather than suggesting it wait for MC. Spending $2.99 on a card seems to be a MUCH easier solution instead of doing real work.

And good for you for having disengaged at this point. Just watch out for an emotion or two to sneak up on you.

She is willing to "forgive you" for the affair she had?

SMH

She is delusional.

I admire your strength brother. Keep up the good work . If she wanted to R she would tell you. She is rug sweeping and manipulating. You are doing great. All the best.

My Xh Wouldn't Confess To The Inappropriate Relationship As An Affair And Denied The Sex Wanted To Go ToMC ND Tell Me There So He Could Feel Safe. It Was A New CounselorHe Picked Out. No Estes I Going Do Be Ambushed With His Confession In Front Of Someone Where He Had Control.

It Sucks When They Think Giving Us Stuff Will Fix The Damage Without Any Real Work Done.

I think the 180 is helping you to detach and see things as they are - great job! There will be ups and downs though

She probably wants to hold back details for MC because she thinks the buffer will keep you from getting as angry/upset as you normally would

My WS is delusional too but rather than apologizing for cheating he is acting as if we are still a happy family. Too bad they are pod people and incapable of putting for the real effort it would take to fix things. Stay strong.

Right now she thinks her usual manipulation tactics still work. She apparently didn't get the memo.

Brace yourself for two things: 1) this behaviour will hit fever pitch, she'll throw everything at you; then 2) an unbelievable display of fury when she realises you are serious. Dead serious.

Get as many ducks in a line as you can. Get copies of every important document - I scanned and saved them in two different locations. Find out about exclusive use of the house, get locks added if you can.

Am I right in assuming she has decided to come back to live in the house? Chances are someone has told her she loses certain rights to use it if she leaves.

Talk to your L and try to get her to agree to as much as you can before the seismic shift occurs. If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes I would not have believed it. I stupidly believed him and took him at his word. He reneged on every single agreement we made. I was in a handshake agreement with a man without honour. Not my brightest moment.

I hope you're OK. Being D.O.N.E. is a relief - limbo is hell... but it is also agonising.

Stay strong with the 180/NC. Do not let her engage you. Hard to do when under the same roof but you really do have to try. It will help with NOT allowing situations to escalate and it will also help you continue to detach.

I'd recommend looking into a VAR and recording everything she says to you. It is not uncommon for them to start making shit up as part of 2) above. False claims of abuse are not uncommon.

I hope you're OK.

Exhausted

I admire your strength. I'm not sure I could have been so strong. Fortunately (and I see it as that now) my STBXWW was better at NC than me so R was never a possibility.

How you can resist the triggers is truly admirable.

Keep it up

People who run and hide from their behaviors are destined to repeat them over and over. Remember you cant change peoples actions. All you can do is change your reaction to them. There comes a time when they beat you so far down you hit the bottom of the hole. I think you have hit your bottom my man. The good news is that there is no place to go but up. Good luck brother, stand your ground and don't take any bullshit. And be aware of the phony crocodile tears and pleas of change. If she wants to change you will see it in her actions, not in cards or words. Even then I'd follow through with D just in case. You can always remarry if by some miracle she finally gets it.

I hope you spend some time being good to yourself today!

Sounds like you are actually detached emotionally from your WW, that's a good thing. you can look objectively at the things she is doing without being hoovered back in. And what you typed was some grade A hoovering right there. Your WW still doesn't get it and isn't truly remorseful. She is still blameshifting, TTing, and honestly still playing games trying to manipulate you. Stick to your guns and move forward. You have told her your requirements for R if she refuses to meet them then she is still showing you that she is unremorseful and filing is your only way out. I wish you the best.

Full steam ahead friend!... They truly are delusional, not to mention cowards, compulsive psycho liars without empathy or ethics, and so FUCKING WEAK! Good riddance to the bitch, and believe me I know how it is, especially as mentioned the fury part... It can be scary to see, once the slipped mask is torn fully from their faces and all you see is the festering angry truth beneath.

Burn those fucking cards, steady yourself for a very bumpy road ahead, but BELIEVE and EMBRACE the notion of a MUCH BETTER LIFE post crazy selfish bitch... I never would have believed it true, but it is! You will know once again what a good relationship feels like should you choose, and POS STBXWW will one day fully be realized as just a person you once knew. You are doing great and I'm happy for you, in only the way folks in our circumstance can understand. Best of luck friend!

I re-read the cards last night again and this morning. Trying to see if they evoked any emotional response within me.

It's sad they don't. I read them and they are just hallmark words on paper.

When I think about it, it saddens me. Because when i married this person i felt i really had found the person i would be with forever.

I just don't understand the WS mindset. Especially mind, b/c she was a BS in her previous marriage. She says I can't understand what happened b/c i never went through her type of experience by going through an A.

She is right on that point. My sense of commitment to the vows is about integrity and honor.

I often wonder if I'd feel different if I would forgive her would I consider R. I don't know if I've forgiven her and do i need to in order to heal and move on.

I feel as though i'm rambling and my thoughts are all over the place. I probably need to focus on the actions and not the words. Today's confusion is high for me...

I don't know if you have to forgive to move on. I keep hearing that, but really, I'm not hearing that from my IC.

You don't have to forgive her to move on with your life. She is now getting her consequences and she doesn't "get it". As the others have said be prepared when the sweet talk stops her anger will set in. When she finally figures out that she can't wizzle her way back into the marriage, she will get angry. I agree with carrying a VAR with you at all times when she is around as well as a disposable camera.

My XWH#1 actually hit himself in the head with something and tried to file charges against me for assault when I refused to take him back again. Luckily I had a disposable carmera that I kept with me and I took a picture of him walking to his truck on the day of the alleged incident. Not a mark on him and the picture proved it and they dropped the charges. I would have lost my whole career and he knew it, that's why he did it. Do not underestimate what they are capable of when they are backed into a corner. Good luck with the D.

Edit: Oh, and have a Happy Birthday!!!

[This message edited by TrustGone at 10:53 AM, December 3rd (Tuesday)]

With the two people who hurt me most in life - my grandfather who sexually molested me for 10 years and my EX - forgiveness was/is something I've worked on in stages. I was unable to forgive my grandfather for decades. What he did to me was too horrible. Eventually, though, I was able to work through that trauma with the help of my IC. I've been able to process what happened, I briefly accessed the memory of him raping me, and I've let it go. Forgiving him was something that took hard work, but in forgiving him I've freed myself from the power he had over me all these years.

I'm working on forgiving EX. It's going to take a long time, especially since he's still in my life due to the kids and he still continues to hurt me with new injuries. I am not a big enough person to forgive in one fell swoop, not after all he's done, not after all the work I've had to do try and recover from the years of abuse. I have to trust that God knows my heart, knows that my intention is to get to forgiveness, knows that I am imperfect and am doing the best I can while honoring ME and protecting MYSELF from him (EX).

Forgiveness is easier when you learn from the pain and allow it to transform you.

As the others have said be prepared when the sweet talk stops her anger will set in. When she finally figures out that she can't wizzle her way back into the marriage, she will get angry.

Do not underestimate what they are capable of when they are backed into a corner.

This, Exhausted. My STBX after ten years of marveling how wonderful a husband and father I was and (during the affair) telling me how she does not want a divorce, the minute I filed she transformed, and is now alleging that I have a mental disorder, have uncontrollable rage, and other flat-out lies. Steel yourself for her dark side to come out with a vengeance.

Yet of course I wish you the best and hope it does go "well" for you. (As well as it can go.)

I continually remind her that the only way i will even entertain that thought is if she proves the A is over, there is NC with OM etc.

If she were remorseful, she would do exactly what you asked. She has not done that. She is not remorseful. Can you imagine how horrible you would feel if you had cheated on her? She doesn't feel that. She's broken in ways you will not understand for some time,,if ever.

So, what happens if tomorrow she complies with your conditions? Would that truly be enough, at this point?

You would still have to satisfy yourself that she wouldn't return to the stage for an encore.

You mentioned forgiveness. Don't confuse forgiveness with sanctioning. Forgiveness may or may not help you heal, but it will not fix her fatal flaws.

You are seeing the real her, and the hardest part is realizing that she is not who you thought she was. I've been through it, and that realization forces you to look back at your time together in a Twilight Zone-esque type of way. Spooky.

Your future doesn't need spooky.

Try not to over think right now. Everything is right there in front of you, including the path forward. You've filed for divorce. Your instincts are serving you well. Yes, losing her will be a loss, but not as much of a loss as you might think, once you truly face the truth of what you two had together. Again, it was not what you thought you had, or she never would have cheated on you and then punctuated it by blame shifting, marital rewriting and remorselessness.

Best to you.

NMAI