SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

TheAgony

Me BS 48 Him WS 44

Almost 5 year LTA.

DDays April 3, April 24 2013

Led to our separation in 2010, although I didn't know why

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Your own tag line supports telling the other BS. If you had known WHY you husband was detaching you might have been able to stop the A and save your marriage before it was too late. At the least, you would understand what was happening in your relationship rather than wondering what was wring for 5 years. I bet you spent much of that time trying to "fix" things without knowing how or why things were heading south.

Hi sumrlady

Thanks for your thoughts! I've thought about my own situation a lot, whether I might have been better off not knowing or better off knowing. I have certainly learned a lot about important life lessons by knowing but I've also suffered mightily for those lessons. Do I wish someone had told me years earlier? Yes, most likely, yes.

But my situation is different from APs Obs's situation in so many ways, and it might wind up being somewhat cruel to impose my views on him. What if he'd prefer not to have the devastating truth shoved down his throat.

The golden rule is useful as a general guide, but its beauty lies in its simplicity. In my mind its too simple to be applied to complex and very serious situations like this. In this case, it might be do unto others as they would like done to them.

I don't know if he'd rather know or now. There's a good chance he would rather not know and not have his life blown up.

My situation is of course way more complicated than my tag line, and so are the consequences of disclosure.

I may have been better off knowing earlier but that does not translate into knowing would be better for him. Every situation is different!

[This message edited by TheAgonyOfIt at 8:29 AM, December 6th (Friday)]

The simple answer is yes. Everyone in the WS's family should know. It's called exposure. It's not your secret to carry around on your back. Actions have consequences. They should have thought about their secret and the consequences of their actions before they did the evil deed. Now the whole world should know about their bad decisions.

The fact is you will have no peace with yourself until this is outted. Nobody says you need to let the extended family know. That's your choice. Although when I found out I told my WW that she had to tell both my mother (who was visiting at the time for Xmas) and her parents (whom I would see everyday). My feeling was that there was no way in the world I would be able to hide this from them (in my actions, expressions and emotions). They would easily know something was wrong. I don't think WW thought this would happen. But then again, they never think they will be caught because they cover their tracks so well huh?

If you are battling within about telling the other spouse, it's for a reason. You know it's the right thing to do, but hope it won't be the final nail that destroys your marriage and sends him running. Truth is yes that could happen. Well let me tell you, by not saying anything your WH is probably losing more respect for you than you know. You are now a pushover subconsciously to him. I wish I exposed it sooner. No I don't believe the affair was still going on after discover. I pretty much made sure of that. But I didn't want my WW to think she got away with the grand daddy of all disrespects to me and let me suffer alone. I will be honest here that one of the reasons I did inform the other spouse was yes in fact for revenge. But it was only part of the reason. These were the consequences. My exWW was so f'ed up about what she did (I'm not talking about remorse here) that she compartmentalized pretty much all of it. There was zero remorse towards me and that alone made me angry enough to make that call.

In general I had a huge moment that pushed me over the edge. And that moment dealt with additional information I found out on my own. My exWW was too chicken shit even to tell me herself. That lead me to believe that there were more things (possibly more affairs) she wasn't coming clean about. She instantly became my enemy at that point. Her not telling me wasn't out of fear for her, but pure egotistical traits (maybe even some narcissism).

Please don't do what I did and harbor the guilt you are feeling. It's like a prison you cannot escape from until you let it loose. When I finally got the courage to tell his spouse and his employer (US military), I had probably one of the better night's sleep in almost a year. It lifted that weight of guilt off my shoulders and put it where it should have been all along...square back on her shoulders.

Actions have consequences. And so does disclosure. That cannot be disregarded, not if you want to be a person who thinks before acting.

To Gman and SeanFlorida, i'm sooooo not saying OBS shouldn't be told. I do not in any way mean to imply that. There are definitely and absolutely situations when they should be told. And then there are situations when it's not clear.

People come here to SI in horribly fragile, vulnerable, scared, devastated states, full of anger, overflowing with feelings, depressed sometimes half out of their minds with grief!!! and to tell people that THE WAY is to do one thing because it's "right" can do these people, each an individual person with unique circumstances, a disservice. I know everyone wants to help!!! But to say that we know THE WAY cannot possibly be right; none of us knows THE WAY and we definitely don't know THE WAY for other people. If only it were so easy....

Just wanted to tell you how much I value all the comments and advice. I am still undecided tbh, probably more to do with my state of mind than indecisiveness.

I can see pros and cons but my emotions are all over the place. I am generally cautious and would normally decide with my head rather than my heart (what's left of it) so I will take some time before I do or do nothing.

Cheers for your support and I will keep in touch x

I'm struggling with this question myself. My WS had an online affair with an engaged woman. I have been going back and forth on whether I should tell her fiance or not. At this point I think I am going to. Their affair was just days before our wedding. If I had known then what I know now, I don't know that I would have gone through with the wedding. I feel like if the roles were reversed, I would want to know before I made that serious of a commitment to someone who had such little regard for our relationship.

If you're unsure and feel like you're too emotional to make the decision right now, there is nothing wrong with waiting. Just make sure the decision is yours. Don't let your WS influence the decision.

I believe that it is often appropriate to tell the other spouse. In addition to all the reasons previously posted, I would add this... If OW cheated with your H, there is no guarantee that she has not cheated before. The other spouse should be informed that he needs to be tested for STDs, just as you should be. Not telling endangers more innocent people than telling. The other spouse's children were put at risk (and may be put at risk in the future if OW's behavior goes unchecked). Could OW really have been a good mother to them while cheating? What if she cheated with someone who could be violent? The other spouse has the right to know so he can fulfill his responsibility to protect his children. If his health is bad, this may be more important than ever for him to do now. We cannot possibly know all the outcomes of telling... but I think the other spouse is entitled to choose the life they want based upon as much of the truth as possible.

What about asking him if he wants to know?

I was taunted and tortured by anonymous phone calls from people who at first hinted then actually told me my ex was cheating for TWO YEARS but didn't give me any names or other information that I could verify. It made it very easy for my ex to deny and lie as well as continue to gaslight me and accuse me of being paranoid and crazy. I even saved the messages and played them for him and he STILL lied and said it was just people who were trying to hurt him. Yes HIM--narcissistic much?

Even though it would be hurtful and devastating I would SO much have appreciated someone coming to me directly with the information, giving me information I could verify so that I could have moved forward early on. To be the only person in the dark for all that time still makes me feel sick and humiliated and I am nearly eight years beyond D-day.

I think if you approach the ow's husband with respect and compassion and in the spirit of concern for him (after all, he is a victim, too), while he will not like what you have to say, he deserves to know.