After a very ugly divorce for me (XH was serial cheater), my BBF and I began dating. At first the relationship was good, but eventually my demons began to rear their ugly heads. I had never truly dealt with/worked through my previous issues from prior marriage, I chose to seek boosts to my self-esteem by opening an old profile and then texting/flirting with 2 men via text and then 2 men I worked with over almost our entire relationship at different times with each. My BBF discovered each of them and I would immediately stop texting them, but would eventually start-up again with the next one (I wasn't doing anything to fix myself or figure out my issues. In addition to the lies and deceit, I was still using alcohol to mask my pain and issues instead of dealing with them.
The final hurt came when my BBF confronted me about a rumor that he had heard regarding me and another co-worker having explicit pics of me (my BBF and I work together). I of course denied and lied for about 2 days and then finally broke down and confessed that I had been texting with him in July and had sent him a few pics. I then confessed that he had come over to my house one time and we had kissed, fondled and he performed oral on me. No other physical contact or pics after that time and minimal text messages between us.
Approximately a month prior to this final discovery we had broken up due to the past lies and alcohol use, but were still trying to work on mending our relationship. I hit what I thought was rock-bottom and finally began to address my issues that had led me to become this horrible person. I realized how deeply I truly love this man, started going to church again, confessed my sins to my bishop, stopped drinking and focused on meeting his list of needs in order to reconcile. I did not however tell him about the texting/pics/physical contact with the last man. I lived in fear that he would find out, never dreaming that this man had shared my pics with almost the entire workforce at our job.
Now that my BBF knows the truth, he has ended our relationship as boyfriend/girlfriend but still texts me occasionally and wants me to work on fixing my issues while he watches to see if I truly step up and become the person that I want to be (meaning that I do the hard-work to address and fix my issues). I am totally up for this and have continued to not drink, attend church, seek forgiveness from people that I feel I've wronged throughout my life, IC, have poured my heart out to him regarding the wrongs I've done to him and begged for another chance.
He has said that he is not ready to believe me right now and wants to focus on healing his heart, mind and soul. I respect this entirely and am doing my best (failing some of the time) to give him the space that he's asked for, while continuing to fix me. I am struggling though....since I confessed everything to him approximately 2 weeks ago he has gone on dates with 4 women and begun to consistently date one of them. I'm trying so hard to be respectful of his choice, but I've sunk into such a deep and dangerous despair.
How do I do this...how do I accept that we are done and let our dreams go? I'm such an idiot and truly hate myself for what I've done. It's so hard not to give in to the pain and end my life, but I know that's even more selfish than what I've done to him already.
Thank you for letting me share some of the despair that is racing around in my head and hurt. I truly hate myself and what I've done to this amazing man!!!
