SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I know. I hate the idea of a polygraph, but if it helps us move forward maybe it's for the best. She met me at home one night and professed to tell me everything she could remember, but she said she was scared to tell me that nothing new would come up. I'm not exactly sure what "new" I expect. It could be her thoughts, her emotions, things she said that she forgot or was afraid to say, or anything. I'm not necessarily SURE that there is more that happened. She doesn't want me to leave, and seems to think that I expect more in the way of action or even PA occurred.

In the end, I think I was reacting to her resistance and frustration at having to repeat parts of the A story that didn't make sense. She thought I was doing it to trip her up in a lie, but I just want to make sure I have it all. It's just a mess. We do better for a while, and then she gets frustrated and angry.

PP,

My WH was initially trying to hide as much information as he could. He would only "admit" as much as I uncovered on my own.

Recently (last 2-3 weeks) he has had a "lightbulb" moment and appears to understand that I need more information. I can't live my life with his skeletons in the closet, waiting for the other shoe to drop. Each time I learn something new, I go back to square one in my recovery. As I said, he *finally* gets it, and is working on a narrative/timeline that is supposed to disclose everything to me. He is writing notes, reviewing his calendar/schedule, etc. It is taking him quite a while to put this information together for me. In fact, I'm worried that it is taking so long.

Because of our mutual concerns about how his disclosures will affect us, our MC has requested that he give me his timeline at one of our sessions. We had our last session before the holidays yesterday, and I had already figured that he wouldn't give this to me before the holidays. So now I will have to wait until our next MC in January - a month from now. I'm still on pins and needles while I wait, but in order to heal, I need to be certain that he has told me the majority of what happened.

Are you and/or your partner in IC or MC? We have a very good MC, and she is helping both of us. She is holding WH accountable, and helping him understand what I need to heal. Once I have full disclosure, I'm sure that we will delve into the marital issues that led to his affair, but that's on the back-burner for now.

Both WH and I have found this book helpful: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, by Linda MacDonald. It's a quick read. I bought the paperback and read it first, highlighting the parts that were the most important to me. (Trust me, I could have highlighted the entire book!) Then I gave it to WH to read. The book put into words the things that I couldn't. Also, I think it was more meaningful that it came from a "third party." It wasn't me telling him what would help me heal. It wasn't too long after that, that I began to feel like he got it, and was truly remorseful.

As others have said, go with your gut feeling. It's probably right. If there's any way that you can independently verify information, try to do that. Depending upon what information WH gives me in January, I may look into having a computer professional look at some material I fouond on our computer, just to satisfy my own concerns. But I will wait to see what WH tells me first.

I hope this info helps you, and good luck.

FC,

Thanks for your post. We tried an MC, but she was not helpful. She focused on fixing the relationship and overlooked the EA. Kept telling me my responses needed to be constructive to rebuilding the relationship. She was a bit of a cold fish, too. In our area it's difficult to find a therapist that is competent with same-sex relationships and infidelity, so we are dealing with that. WS is concerned that I will feel ganged up on again (as I did in past MC when we went for a few months until MC moved out of town). I felt ganged up on because my damaging relationship behaviors are overt and hers are covert...so I end up looking like a bully and she looks like a martyr. I found another name that she is supposed to check on her insurance tomorrow.

We read NOT Just Friends, which initially helped her "get it." I ordered another book that was recommended on here. It was very Christian, but so are we; however, it listed homosexuality as a perversion, so that was an epic fail on my part. You can't heal from a book that invalidates your identity. I'll look at the one you recommended and see if that's better. I did recommend the healing library to her.

I just put up a new post about our recent argument so I won't go into it here, but things are very rocky again. I hate it. I'm so sad and feel so hopeless that we will get through this.

Yes, I totally feel this way. Especially since WS has yet to tell me one piece of information I didn't find out myself. Well, I suppose he has but nothing "bad". Just how OW behaved in the office and things she said. He did let it slip that she told him he was a good looking guy. When I said, "She did?" He looked panicked and said, "Yeah I think she did. I'm pretty sure. I can't remember." I have NO CLUE why he reacted that way. It didn't seem like too big of a deal to me. He has maintained since D-day that I know everything there is to know. I found other e-mails and messages with obvious holes and he can't remember what was said.

I always wonder....what are the odds I just happened to catch him the two times it happened??? What are the odds that he was caught by complete accident BOTH times (the only times) he cheated? Am I really just that good? I don't think so.

Oh well technically the second time I was already watching due to some suspicious behavior in the previous months. Had I not been....I probably would still be completely oblivious to everything and it would have turned PA.

[This message edited by cl131716 at 4:46 PM, December 18th (Wednesday)]

I feel pretty certain I don't know everything about his activities. My reasons are that he has only admitted 1 thing on his own, everything else I have had to form a carefully worded question that he is able to mostly answer with a yes or no. Then I ask is there anything you can fill me in on about ....... He has admitted over 2 1/2 years to numerous things that he adamantly denied at the start. So much was misleading and minimized in the first year, it is no where near the story that I know now. Not even close. I have said that I would have preferred to have complete disclosure and been done with this but, he couldn't do that. I also have been pretty frank with him that my gut says there is more and he has only admitted what he couldn't deny with the 1 exception. The only reason I was told that important piece of info was that he knew I was contacting OW and SHE wouldn't hesitate to tell me that bit. She also has minimized somewhat. We probably will never know as others have said and at some point must just step back and watch the present.

Here is what WS do not get. I really do not care where they met. I care about the truth. It does not matter if it was on a street corner, a bar, a hotel, a business meeting, etc. I ask those questions so I can place him and myself back into our lives. After DDay the BS loses their history, their place in time during the A. There is no "right" answer that will make anything A related hurt less. The lying is the crap that keeps the pain alive, not the truthful answers. So if you met up with OW 5 times then 5 times is the answer. If you met over 100 times then that is the answer. We want the truth no matter what that truth is.

I'm right here with you. So far there have been three DD for me in the past week and a half. First discovery, and an admission and promise there was only one escort and then I discovered more information, admission number two, then I discovered MORE information that affirmed for me there was more than two. I had been contemplating a polygraph when I just decided I'm going to stop putting him on trial for the time being and accept that I'm making it worse for the both of us. Each discovery is more painful than the one before it and for whatever reason he's not prepared to come clean so by demanding the truth I'm essentially enticing him to lie. So I told him last night, don't tell me anything else unless it's the truth. I'm not going to ask you anymore for the time being, but if you want to save our relationship I hope for your sake you will do the digging and post mortem and help me understand what happened, so it doesn't happen again. I just came to the conclusion I was trying to get him to open up his brain so I could dig around and make conclusions, and I'm simply just not qualified for that... and doing more damage in the process. But that's just where I'm at for the moment. And for whatever crazy reason it's giving me peace. But tomorrow I could be back to being a crazy PI back to hacking into his phone. LOL.

I have found that I "got over" that 1 piece of information faster than anything else he has reluctantly told me. I just don't understand some of the things he won't open up and share. It isn't like I am asking the tiniest details- most of the time anyway. I wanted to know what he told me to be free to take her out to dinner, the movies. What did he tell me about the evenings he was with her. I want to figure out MY life. I want to know how I could be so DUMB to think he was home taking care of our boys while I worked eves. I also don't think I am so intuitive that I picked up on all his escapades, I think there is more but, I don't really think he has the personality to need to come clean. I truly feel he has picked and chose what I learn, and that only came out because he couldn't hold up under my questioning. Now I have run out of specifics to ask and we are not going at it. Which BTW he interprets as *everything is fine now*.

I agree with most of the people on here that I don't think you will ever know everything. I am 16 months out and still struggle with this a lot. Like others have said how do you believe the one that has told you so many lies. I think my WW is to embarrassed to admit to herself the things I want to know. I trusted my gut and it was right so many times, its very hard not to trust it now in that I don't have the whole truth.

Same feeling here. I have asked my WH many questions and he has answered them all but I still feel like there is more. Maybe it is because I have no trust in h anymore. Or maybe he is still hiding things. I do feel like I know all I need to know or want to know at this point.

((Hugs))