SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Awww.....POOP!!!! I so wish this was not happening to you! Strength, courage, resolve....all wishes for you, as well as a reminder that you WILL be OK, no matter what.

(((((hexed)))))

(((hexed))) Thinking of you and sending you positive energy and strength. <3

hugs my dear. I hope your performance review goes well for you and that you are able to work things out in your personal life.

Oh No! I am so sorry to hear this. Good for you for knowing really clearly what your boundaries are and not being fuzzy headed and making excuses for him.

You guys are living together right? Please stay safe and ask others to be nearby if he gets drunk and mean.

Good luck with the performance review.

You have that talk when you are ready to have the talk.

My heart goes out to you.

(((((hexed)))))

Sending you lots of hugs, hexed. I'm so sorry you're going through a painful situation.

Praying for strength and clarity...

(((hexed)))

I have faith and confidence in you. No matter what the short term struggles may be, I KNOW you will rise and conquer!!!!

I hope you rocked the review, and I hope that your talks and decisions are clear and profitable.

(((more hugs)))

How did things go today, hon?

Check in with us.

Thanks all for checking in on me and the support. I've read and re-read b/c it helps so much.

The good news on the review is that I don't require a follow up visit by QC which in essence means I passed. My overall performance may not have been excellent. The report isn't done yet but I'm at least adequate.

TG and I talked some last night. He is definitely owning his behavior. He said a couple of things during the discussion, unprompted, that were important.

The drinking part of it is tricky. He has not been a regular heavy drinker. He is a binge drinker when some of the PTSD related issues start to get too much in his head. He didn't drink last night but that's not really much of anything.

He's never been violent or mean when he's had too much too drink. Its hard to explain the nature of what happened. I drew a line, his comments were out of line. Then he got mad when I wouldn't back down. Now I know its pointless to draw a line with a drunk person. I should have disengaged but my overall reaction freaked him out. Then he went out for a walk in single digit temps. More weirdness and drunk apology when he got back. The man is wrestling with some demons and he's got to handle it better.

I asked if he would seek professional help b/c I wasn't going to stick around for any more of this if he isn't going to actively seek help. He said yes but he's scared. I think he's really afraid of what opening up some of this to daylight will do to him. I said that I would go and be with him during his first sessions if he would feel better.

I know what triggered this spiral. I know I can't live with it if he isn't going to get help with it. I can handle an occasional meltdown but this is getting too much too often. It is not healthy for any of us.

I have to try hard to learn and act the difference between codependent and supportive.

I have to try hard to learn and act the difference between codependent and supportive.

As you know, we share the demons of alcoholism and codependency with our men and IMO, you are acting the difference here. The old hexed would have let it slide and mothered him back to normalcy. The new and improved hexed has laid a very strong boundary out for him and you’ve not caved. The old hexed would have called the IC or driven him there. The new and improved hexed is leading him to where he needs to go.

BIG difference.

You do know that until he takes those steps to actively seek the help – on his own – his words mean nothing. It doesn’t matter if he’s a daily drinker or a binge drinker, his emotions are being swallowed by the alcohol and if he really and truly WANTS change, he has to be the change maker.

You need to set a date that it be done – which is pushing your codependency further away and establishing a more clearer boundary – and if HE fails to do it, then he lives with the consequences.

Remember the drill – they’re “good boys” until you relent on the boundaries or let them hoover you into the cycle of the forgiveness and kiss and make up stuff – until the next, next time.

This isn’t your first rodeo. Don’t let there be another next time if he doesn’t do the hard work.

You’ve come way too far in your healing to be sucked back into your past.

AJ -- very very wise post. thank you. you really do understand the subtleties that I struggle with.

One of the things that I'm having a hard time with is waiting for him to take action. He truly has no idea what to do in terms of getting mental health help. Its a foreign concept to him. Its taking every ounce of my being not to find him an IC or at least a list of them.

We need to talk more this weekend. I haven't given him a deadline but you're right. I need to. It needs to be a clear boundary so he understands specifically what my expectations are and I know I have clear specifics in my head right now of when to walk away.

We did discuss what can be done/strategies to shake him into awareness when he starts to hit this weird dark place he gets in to. I see it coming before he does. That was productive but not enough. This is the first time he has openly discussed seeing an IC. Follow through is key.

My new mantra *i can't do it for him*

Glad to hear that he is admitting what is going on. Hope he proves his ability to deal with his demons by following through with your requirements.

I like the new mantra.

And continue (((Hexed)))

Is he a veteran? I seem to remember you saying something about that, but I get members mixed up sometimes.

If he is, look into group therapy at the nearest VA facility. It has been a real life-saver for some of my friends who are veterans.

My SO is an Army veteran who served 2 tours in Vietnam. He is 65 years old and he just recently asked a friend who is also a Vietnam vet how often he thinks about his experiences in the war. His reply was "Every day" which my SO replied, "I thought I was the only one." Group therapy is so very good because it helps people not feel so alone.

NL

Thanks NL. Yes he is a Veteran. 20 years. 6 combat tours. Both my Dad and Stepdad are Vietnam Vets who still deal with it more days than not.

The start of the most recent cascade was actually swapping stories with my Step Dad at Thanksgiving.

Unfortunately due to other VA related issues, he's a little hostile towards anything connected with the VA. I'm going to mention it but for my own well being I CANNOT find his help for him. He has to do this.

We are going to play cards at the VA retirement home on Christmas day so maybe that will be a start of connecting to VA programs.

Its hard b/c the trauma is real and harsh. Its not unreasonable for him to have these moments. He has actually improved in many many ways since I've known him which is why I have hope he can continue to get healthier. However, hope is not enough to keep a relationship healthy.

Another odd trigger that I don't understand, seems to be that he confided in me the details of a particularly horrific event. He's never shared with me like that before. I was touched that he felt safe enough to share. He apologized for sharing something so awful. That was a couple days before and he's been downhill ever since. I need to find a support group too I think.

I'm glad to hear that he's willing to seek counseling and work on getting himself better. I know you can't do it for him, but could you point him in the direction of how to find a compatible therapist? I know you want him to do it all himself, but if he is absolutely clueless as to where to go... an arrow in the right direction seems harmless to me, but I don't know.

From what you've said, it sounds like the more your SO talks about the past (Thanksgiving and talking with you) and probably thinks about the things that happened, the harder it is for him to handle life. I can see how scary it must be to seek out a person to talk about (probably) horrible things and then have the struggle of learning how to cope with these things after talking about it with someone (saying it out loud always seems to make things even more real). These are huge changes that he's (hopefully) about to attempt and learn how to adapt these new skills into his life.

It may be too soon for a group setting. I imagine other members will be sharing their stories which may be a trigger. Perhaps after he has developed some coping skills for himself, he will be able to reach out to others in a similar boat and learn from them. Regardless of where the support comes from, it's clear that he needs an outlet to talk about what's going on in his head and skills to cope with them, instead of drinking.

Hexed, I'm so sorry!! I've followed your story off and on through the years, and had such hope for you two.

SI is here for you, 100%, as always. Be good to you.

A good resource for a competent IC would be his primary care physician. I find that they are generally up on the various providers in the immediate area.

I, too, think the VA would be a huge help to him, but he has to face his demons and go.

Cat

((((hexed))))

No 2x4s, padded or otherwise

One of the things that I'm having a hard time with is waiting for him to take action.

Yep, waiting. Like you're on hold. Limbo. And you know what? The bar will keep getting lower and lower unless you ACTIVELY (sorry for the CAPS) maintain your boundary.

Another thing I noticed (that I have in common unfortunately) is the word 'if'. It's a limbo word. Conditional. A 'please don't make me have to do this' kind of thing.

I'm so sorry for your pain. What you are going through must feel almost unbearable. But know that sticking up for you, protecting yourself, is a wonderful thing to be able to do for yourself. Even when it sucks in the moment.

Listen to ajsmom, she has walked the walk.

Sending strength and mojo your way.

((((hexed))))

"if" is not my friend. its almost as awful as the dreaded T word...'time'.

A deadline is in order. AJs mom is right. She most often is. I hate that she is but a fact is a fact and a deadline is a fact in my life right now.

An updates:

We had a long but fragmented talk last night. It was good but I think we were both left feeling a little more unsettled about things.

We discussed some of the things that particularly triggered his behavior. One of which was completely not my fault but my words triggered a very negative episode with his XW. I pointed out that perhaps there was pattern that he needed to look at. He didn't take that great. I feel like he's taken on the personna of war damaged veteran too much. He's become so meshed with that image that he's stuck there. I challenged him to get out of that mindset. He doesn't think he's thinking like that. It was a tough conversation.

He is also worried about me accepting him as he is. That somehow if he tells me too much or I see too much of the bad I won't love him anymore. We also dealt with some of his FOO issues that are significantly related to abandonment.

The good part was that he had spent the evening reading more about PTSD. He's still not happy with seeing a private IC. He has had bad experiences in the past. He is open to reaching out to the groups at the VA for help. I'm struggling mentally to decide if this is sufficient in my mind.

The conversation covered a lot of ground. I do feel like some things that are important to me were minimized b/c of that. I was able to identify 3 topics that are important to me. One thing I do know is that when I bring them he will listen and consider them so I feel good about that. It was clear that he had put a lot of thought into the situation. I didn't agree with everything he had to say but he's putting energy into it.

I don't feel like the relationship is more solid today than it was a couple of days ago but we are communicating. I believe he's trying to do what I need. Unfortunately, I need him to need the same thing. I can't do it for him so he has to want to work on these things too.

I know how hard it is. I let my STXH take the reigns on our relationship. I told him IC/MC, 12 step, AA, no drinking were my requirements. So, he chose date night. We went to a bar, he told me he wanted to spend time with the boys and I instead of his chemical dependency program, wanted to have a drink with me. Later that night, after 4 beers, he bumped into another car in the parking lot with the boys and I in the car. The next day I kicked him out. You can't MAKE them stop. My case in point. Look what happened when I let him decide...