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Oknow, we have just started to talk about the"why" of it. I expect that when I meet with the counselors, I will have much more insight into her reasoning, faulty though it may be. What she HAS said is that NONE of her reasons justify what she did, and that the choices she made, were made during a period of time when she was consumed with fear and despair. That is what she said.

Bdell,

First sorry you are here and second, sorry you are getting comments from some that are not helpful or in good spirit.

You've been amazing so far. The fact that some cannot fathom your anger is their problem. Not yours. However, I can say that just strategically, do not rush into anything your cannot undo.

Seeing a lawyer to understand the scope of divorce, separating finances, detaching from your wife to get perspective are all vitally important for betrayed husband. Even with a wayward wife that seemingly expresses real remorse (and not just regret from being caught). The most important thing in the world right now is to get your feet back under you and brother, you seem to be a master at this. So keep on keeping on.

As to exposure to your parents or whomever you desire - that is entirely up to you. Those saying keep it secret are only offering their perspective. You do what you have to. But when you do it, make sure you let them know what happens is your choice and not theirs and this is not their marriage. It is great to get support, believe me. It sucks to get judgement.

And finally, if you have not already, check out the betrayed mens thread in "I Can Relate." Lots of military veterans down there too.

Go Navy! (Sorry, just had to throw that in...)

Strength to you brother

We have also discussed the DNA testing and polygraph examination. She is willing to have both done, but she wants to tell the kids , beforehand that there is no possibility that they are not mine, to set their minds at rest, and to prove to them , that she is willing to do anything and everything to regain our trust. The same for the polygraph. She will do it anytime, anywhere, and only asked for enough advance warning to cancel or re-schedule her appointments.

Reallyscrewedup, so far every comment has been helpful except one. I am taking no chances, with regards to any financial or legal issues. But I will say in my wife's defense, that she has already stated that she will ask for only her personal belongings, if we divorce. She feels that she does not deserve a part of what we have accumulated as a family, because she betrayed that family. I don't necessarily believe this, and I would most certainly split our money with her, if it comes to that.

(@rsu -- you said: "Those saying keep it secret".....there is a big difference between keeping a secret and maintaining privacy. I am advocating for maintaining some privacy for now.)

Gonnabe2016, Let me ask you this, Why SHOULDN'T I punish my cheating wife?

Simply put --

***because you may decide that you WANT to remain married to her.

***because right now you've got the proverbial mascara-streaked, snot-dripping remorseful CW and imposing 'punishment' as opposed to natural consequences may make what is currently a manageable fire into a raging, out-of-control inferno.

***because you DO love her.

As someone said earlier: you cannot unring the bell.

It's your life and your decision; I'm just offering my perspective.

I guess I do have one more opinion to give. Bdell, I know how you feel. But to be honest, I don't think you should try to "punish" your wife. The punishment is a natural consequence of her actions. She may lose you. She may lose a marriage she values. She may lose the respect of her children and family. in my opinion, there is no need to rub her nose in it. Not saying that is what you are intentionally trying to do. However, us BS's, especially BS's like you and me, can get into our own type of Fog. It's a fog of righteousness and anger. How dare they! But we eventually come out of it. And when we do, we regret calling our wives names. We regret doing things that brought humiliation to them, if they are remorseful that is. Your wife is remorseful. So even if you decide to divorce her because you just can't handle what happened. Let that be the punishment. And treat her with kindness. If you do this, I believe that in the end you will have greater respect for yourself, and will be able to move on with a clear conscience. Obviously she really loves you. she has prostrated herself for you. Believe me, that is a rare commodity.

I don't mean to be preachy. This wound is very fresh for you. I think you are doing really well. Better than I did. I was pretty emotionally cruel for a while. I regret it.

Anyway, those are my two bits. Good luck friend. You will have many ups and downs over the next year, regardless of your choices.

[This message edited by mike7 at 9:20 AM, December 20th (Friday)]

Guys, because I am so new to this, I am finding it really hard to strike a balance. On the one hand, because of my anger, I DO want to rub her nose in it (proverbially). I want her to hurt as bad as I do. Maybe that's wrong, but it is honestly how I feel sometimes. At other times, I remember what we had, before this, and how good we were together, and I want to go back in time to that good place. Also, I want to tell her that I DO feel bad that she was alone and having to bear the burden of her Dad's illness. She told me, yesterday that she meant every word she said about her love and desire for me. I want to believe that it's true, but I can't right now.

Duplicate

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:48 AM, December 20th (Friday)]

Bdell,

You're going to get a lot of different opinions from a lot of different people. The best advice I can give is to take what you need and leave the rest.

I will say though that sometimes the advice that bothered me the most is the advice that hit closest to home.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:41 AM, December 20th (Friday)]

I am finding it really hard to strike a balance. On the one hand, because of my anger, I DO want to rub her nose in it (proverbially). I want her to hurt as bad as I do. Maybe that's wrong, but it is honestly how I feel sometimes.

Bdell, what you are feeling is perfectly normal. It really is. And not a single one of us is going to fault you for feeling that anger. We've all BTDT, 'member?

Something that helped me was this: feelings are just that: feelings. They come and go; ebb and flow. Actions are concrete. Reactions based on 'emotion' are sometimes recognized as unwise (in hindsight).

We get it, Bdell. We're just 'talking it out' with you.

[This message edited by gonnabe2016 at 9:51 AM, December 20th (Friday)]

I finally have to chime in. I am there. Found out 8 mos ago my wife had a. 6 mos text affair with one rendezvous. I am still angry & hurt. We are in R but it is tough. I an very proud & this has rattled me to bone! I also felt tge need for her to hurt. Maybe not right but it is what it is. I love her very much which is why it hurts so much. Do what you need. It will take a long time to "overcome".

H

Bdell

I understand what your are feeling, but I don't see you as punishing your W. You are expressing your anger which, at this early stage, is completely normal.

As long as you aren't being abusive, and yes I do agree that cheating on your spouse is abusive, you are entitled to process your feelings. You have to or else this toxic mess is going to bubble over.

You have a plan in place. Excellent. Stick to your plan. Use it to find some comfort that even small parts of your life can be predictable.

I can see your logical mind peaking out and looking at situation objectively. You absolutely need to do that. While the situation contributed to your W actions, it does not excuse it. Approaching things with a logical mindset is a great way to cope with some of this crap. You see it. Acknowledge it with your W when you feel comfortable. Another member here once told me it was important to "take a break from the hurt with your W once and awhile."

While it feels wrong and I couldn't do that a lot, it was helpful for me. I slept, ate and coped better.

Again, grain of salt. You know yourself better that we do and know what you need the most right now.

Well, things went about as expected today. I had already decided that I would take a walk outside and allow my wife and the kids to get whatever said, that they needed to say to each other, without my input.

When I went back inside, one child was furious and screaming, the other was locked in her room, sobbing, my wife was in the bathroom , alternately sobbing and vomiting, and the dog was howling. If Freddie Kruger had been there it would have looked like a scene from "Nightmare on Elm St". It seemed to me like a good time to go into the office and have a quiet sip, until the furor had died down. After a while , I got the dog to shut up, got the family seated in the living room, and explained what was going to happen over the Holiday week. I told them that what was done could not be undone, so what was important is what we do from now on. We would give gifts like always, we would eat Christmas Dinner like always, we would be with our families like always and the affair and anything related to it was NOT to be brought up until I said that it could. Everybody calmed down, and are going about their business.

Just want to again agree with Mike7's comments above.

Plus, some have pointed out that they wished that their WS' had even 1/10th of the remorse your WW has. Don't lose sight of that. There are some posters who are IMO projecting their own anger and disappointment onto your situation. Be careful with poisoning your heart by reading here. It can happen.

I am a big fan of honesty. My WW's family is one that kept secrets about everything - molestation, abuse, mental illness, you name it. Secrecy was their way of dealing with stuff. They also learned that a 'secret' made something special. OM took advantage of my WW's belief in secrecy as opposed to honest communication. I think teaching your kids a lesson in being honest and authentic is very valuable and is to be commended. I think many here were afraid of the confrontation and conflict associated with honest disclosure and thus rationalize that choice.

Your WW's IC gave her very bad advice. When you see an IC you think you are seeing an expert. Heck, my wife's IC encouraged her 1 year EA before the PA under the guise that 'he lived far away' and 'it was good to have a friend to confide in'... Huh, what about the husband?

[This message edited by MC_Jack at 4:40 PM, December 20th (Friday)]

Hats off to you Bdell, you're handling this like a champ.

I would also say hats off to Mrs. Bdell, she's handling this pretty well too. I'm not excusing what she did at all, but I'm giving her credit for coming clean. As mad and as hurt as you are now, it's an entirely different hell when they show no remorse and continue to lie to your face and you KNOW it. At this point, she seems to be doing everything possible to minimize your pain. Take some comfort in knowing that it could be worse if it weren't for the way she's handling things now.

I understand how you want her to suffer like you are. I've wanted the same thing because my WW, frankly, doesn't give a shit right now and I don't know that she ever will. I've inquired on SI about telling people to expose the A, but, if I'm honest, it was also to get back at her. I've told some of her family members and some close friends (more for support for me), but it didn't do any good as far as her A is concerned. It embarrassed her and made her mad, but it didn't stop the A either. The difference in my WW and your WW is that yours cares. Telling everyone about it and making her suffer will, IMO, end up hurting BOTH of you in the long run. Even no longer than I've been in this mess with a completely unremorseful WW, I regret saying some of the things I've said that I know hurt her. I would encourage you to spare yourself of that guilt.

I'm sure you've heard "kill 'em with kindness". Well, based on what you've said about your WW, the best way you could "make her suffer" is, IMO, to be kind to her. I would imagine it's easier to justify cheating (doesn't sound like she is even doing that) on an asshole than it is to cheat on the greatest man you've ever known.

If you decide to R, you both will have to help each other. Don't make that path harder on YOU by trying to punish her.

Just my two cents.

Bdell, I know you're desperately trying to figure WHY your wife did this to you. What about the HOW? How did they meet? How did it progress to a PA? I think that may help explain some of the why.

I know you want to regain control--and for your kids to feel as though there is some sense of control (coming from you)---but please, don't forbid talk of the affair "until you say so."

Your kids are humans, and should be allowed to not only feel, but EXPRESS how they feel, without concern that they will be acting against your wishes.

I'd rescind that directive. They're victims, too---and it's unfair to expect them to adhere to your emotional timetable.

I am trying to be considerate to my wife, as she shows she deserves it. I've allowed her to come home, and have been trying not to make my actions seem punitive. It is really difficult sometimes not to scream at her, but I agree that might be harmful, if I decide to R.

Ticking, My wife's timeline and the counseling transcripts are helping me with a lot of the "how and why" questions. They met in September because he is one of her clients, and it stayed that way until right after Thanksgiving of that year, when he asked her to lunch and she accepted. Phone contact from September to November was very minimal. After their lunch date, phone contact increased until by December it was several times a day, then there was the "make out" session in late January, then the first weekend "sex session"in February, then the last weekend "sex session" in March and the PA ended. Then phone contact decreased until May when it ended altogether. Since that time, approximately 4 years ago, there has been no phone contact from her phone or the house phone at all, and no checks or credit card purchases in the town where they had their rendezvous. There was only minimal contact on FB and that was in February and March and ended in late March, right after my wife ended the affair. MY wife began counseling immediately after she ended the affair, went to counseling every week until I got home from my out of state job, then continued counseling for the remainder of the year, then quit. This stuff I can prove or disprove.

My wife said that she didn't want to continue counseling because she wanted to put the affair behind her and continuing the counseling, kept it in the forefront of her mind , always, increased her guilt and would trigger depressing thoughts. She decided that she would bear the burden of her guilt, and at the same time become a better wife and mother, and treat me the best she could. The counselor states that she thought that my wife would continue counseling and that eventually I would be told about the affair. This stuff I can't prove either way.

Solus, My instructions not to talk about the affair, are temporary for the Christmas holidays, and in public. Of course, privately, as a family, we can talk about anything. After the Holidays, then the affair will be on a "need to know" basis. My wife understands this and accepts it. I will tell my Dad after Christmas, and he will tell Mom, when he thinks it's time to do so. My wife has already "outed" herself to her Pastor, her boss, and has written a letter of apology to the wife of the OM. She will not lose her job, because it was several years ago, and her job performance hasn't suffered, but her Boss has expressed strong disapproval.