SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have also thought of some good thoughts and memories of my BH and our DD that I can replace the thoughts with.

Nice! This is great, but try to stick with the really negative things for the first 3 weeks or so. Remember, the goal is to have your brain release chemicals associated with negative feelings instead of the ones that OM released during the A. If you replace thoughts of OM with good thoughts, he's still in the 'good' column. You really want him in the 'bad'. You really want all thoughts of him associated with that low point.

It's said that it takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit. That's the only reason I said 3 weeks.

But - I do love the idea of having those good thoughts at the ready too, just in case. :)

Years ago, I did exactly what painful past suggested. I pictured my BH at his absolute saddest. I pictured his face, his anger and tears.

And i let myself feel it. And when you feel empathy and realize that your action of tapping into google are a knife in his back...you won't do it.

It is our ability to dissociate and put our needs first that allowed us to do things like google the OM when we truly DO want R. We can't seem to get how much it hurts our BS

Alyssa. I think you owe your BH a better explanation for the other day.

Many of the suggestions here are ways to control your mind. To shut off the the thoughts. In my experience I am completely powerless over an obsession on my own once it starts. That takes a great amount of humility to admit that. I want to be stronger than my thoughts I want to think I can maintain control. My fear and embarrassment of losing control makes me keep it to myself, a secret.

Secrets die in the light of exposure. Why did you come here looking for help after the fact? Why did you not seek help before the act?

Why did you not share your dream with your H upon waking? It was an opportunity to share intimacy of struggles together.

There should be no shame in dreams or passing thoughts. Its what you do with them after the fact that causes harm. Do you water them in secrecy or squash them in honesty?

Trying,

Thank you....and the same goes for you! I think we have both made progress, but still have work to do.

Painful,

Thank you for pointing that out....it does make sense to focus on the negative for now so I do associate the XAP with the low point.

Mrs Panda,

I do agree that I owe my BH a better explanation than the one I gave....he actually read this post last night and let me know how upset he is that I did google the XAP....he expressed his fear that if I googled him what is to stop me from contacting him or seeing him.

Chico,

You asked me some really good questions. Here are my responses:

I came here for support after the fact because I was afraid....I was afraid to admit what I was thinking and feeling and was not ready to face the comments I would recieve. I reached out to a couple other WS for help privately before posting to the whole forum.

I didn't share the dream with him because I was afraid to admit that I had a dream about xap.....I saw it as a sign of weakness and didn't want to hurt my bh by telling him I had thought of XAP.

I understand his anger and fear, and told him I realized it was wrong and broke the trust we are working to rebuild. He has asked me to be as open with him as I am on SI and I am going to try to do that.

I understand his anger and fear, and told him I realized it was wrong and broke the trust we are working to rebuild. He has asked me to be as open with him as I am on SI and I am going to try to do that.

That's awesome. I am a little jealous actually. My BH never could talk openly about everything . He told me I had to work through my shit alone. Which has worked it well though! :)

Triggers. That's what they are TRIGGERS. Dreams, a song, flashbacks, movies, conversations...damn TRIGGERS. We ALL will have them. I had a dream the other night about my AP - it made my whole day depressing. We cannot control our dreams - and controlling our emotions at times too seems impossible. This is what I do. I use self talk ALL the time. I ask myself a series of questions...if I contact her, what good will it do me? What good will it do her? What good will it do my wife and child? That usually stops me. It also helps me to read about affairs and recovery - what's normal - and it always makes me feel less alone and normal to know we all experience the same things - we are like junkies looking for our next fix. Like all addictions, we need to break the habit and let our body, mind and soul recover and let go fully. Do what ever works for you. Contacting the AP is not going to make any of us feel better - probably only worse. Good luck and stay strong.

Reading these posts has helped me to realize what really was causing my EA. I, too, was lying to myself and saying that the reason I was contacting my xF was to get closure. After reading this thread I see that was trying to get back into her life not "seeking closure."

Now that I know this and addressed this with my BSO I feel that I can put that part behind me. Thank you all!