SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

When thoughts of the AP come or of the A I tend to let them sit for a minute. Kind of sticking my toe in the water. There is no fond reminiscing or fantasizing but I am letting my thoughts go there for a second before I redirect.

I am waiting to see what feelings come. I'm looking for indifference and I'm not completely there yet. I'm feeling revulsion at what I did, sadness for how we both (two broken people) collaborated to hurt ourselves, each other, and both families so stupidly, regret (wishing I could go back and make better choices so it never would have happened).

I got mad at myself because this is breaking mental NC, but I also feel the need to take my temperature sometimes and see if my moving in the right direction.

With regards to the AP, I don't hate him any more. I certainly don't have fond feelings either. I see him as a human being. I'm aware he is responsible for his own choices that hurt his BS, his family, himself, me, my BS, and my family. But I think more about him being a flawed human being that I participated in devastatingly harmful behavior with. Like committing a crime with someone. There has never been an attempt to break NC. The last communication I had with him he was only concerned with his BW and his family and trying to repair the damage so I feel no need to think badly of him now or think of him at all.

It's just when the thoughts come I sometimes feel the need to question what my feelings are for a second before I push them away.

Is this screwed up wayward thinking? I'm not sure I'm expressing myself right. I just want others takes on what I'm doing in my head here. Harmful or helpful?

Does anyone else sort of test the waters of their mind like this? Am I the only one?

I feel bad that you have sat responseless all day. You may get different opinions from people on the this board, but I will at least give you my 2 cents.

Regular personal inventory is the key to integrity and in turn freedom.

If the thoughts last more than a minute or two then its obsession. If they come back more than 2-3 times in an hour it is obsession. Obsession is bad.

Thanks Chico,

It's the weekend... I'm not gonna cry

These thought don't even linger for a minute and they aren't coming several times a day, not even daily. I have thoughts of what I have done to us daily several times...maybe even hourly, but not of the AP.

I used to push any thoughts out of my head instantly of the AP, kind of like touching a hot stove. I think that was out of fear because I know now what I'm capable of. Eventually I wanted to check to see what I would think or feel. I'm glad that it's not fond thoughts of the AP or missing the A. I'm just not sure if what I've been doing lately is healthy or if I have myself fooled somehow and there is some distortion I'm not recognizing.

I don't think of it as wayward thinking. As a BH I would feel more bothered if it is about reminiscing (internally), feeling nostalgic, missing AP or anything along those lines.

WS on SI have often post about their anger/hate towards AP and that eventually turned to indifference. You sound like your approaching indifference, which is your personal goal. If anything you seem slightly impatient (maybe?) to reach indifference. I could be reading it wrong. I would say it's fine to take your temperature on these things. In fact I'd say it seems like a part of being more introspective overall and looking internally as opposed to externally. That strikes me as a good thing. However, you can take the temperature too much. Give yourself a break. Stick with what you're doing and focus on your own emotional/mental health and your relationship with your BH and it will come.