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I keep hearing the term “Wayward thinking.” I am not sure I completely understand that term, & would love to know what it means to others.

To me, wayward thinking means:

Inauthentic behavior/thinking & putting someone/something else before one’s marriage.

For example, I am thinking that in addition to the slut, WH (who is a “mama’s boy”) putting his mother before me is also wayward behavior. Even his sports addiction is wayward behavior.

So I started thinking about my own behavior. I did not have sex with another man, but I have done a few things during our marriage which , under the above definition, could be considered to be wayward behavior. Example: WH was always very controlling about money, & I was afraid to confront him about this, even tho I also worked outside of the home & brought money in. I remember buying a new dress for one of our daughters & hiding the fact from him, because I knew he would just say “What does she need a new dress for?” That was not authentic behavior on my part.

Any thoughts?

I only see "wayward" as a term designated to those who break their marriage vows. I guess it's a matter of one's perception.

I only see "wayward" as a term designated to those who break their marriage vows.

Yep. And it's too soft of a description for me.

It would take a "War and Peace" sized volume of profanity to describe those people, in my opinion.

I despise every last one of them.

I think wayward thinking is basically a fear of facing yourself (being inauthentic) & seeking self-destructive ways of coping with negative feelings. It extends into every aspect of life.

My H's cheating was just one way he sabotaged himself, along with over-drinking & over-spending, among others.

They all served the same purpose (temporary escape) & came from the same mindset (feelings of self-doubt).

If I'm honest, all his negative activities were harming our relationship but the cheating was the one I took the most personally & was unwilling to accept.

In order for him to overcome the feelings that caused him to cheat, he has to recognize that those feelings also drive the other negative coping mechanisms in his life. It isn't just about cheating, it's about finding healthy ways to deal with all the stressors & feelings of inadequacy in his life.

I feel its the slippery slope. Going places you shouldnt be. Doing things you shouldnt do. Looking, talking , flirting. ANd lying to "not get in trouble", but still doing it. Entitlement, I deserve this because _______. Self serving thoughts that hurt the marriage. And its thrown in with I wont get caught, spouse doesnt need to know......

I think it is acting like they are buying into the R, doing everything on the surface that they can, but then they say things like "See that bartender over there? When she worked a party at our house, R (his married friend) gave her his number." OK! Tells me that he thinks this kind of behavior is acceptable, that all guys do it, and that it is appropriate to share that info of his friend possibly being unfaithful with me. Blameshifting continues. Doesn't inspire confidence in the R process.

Definition of Infidelity

1.marital disloyalty; adultery.

2.unfaithfulness; disloyalty.

3.lack of religious faith, especially Christian faith.

4.a breach of trust or a disloyal act; transgression.

Inauthentic behavior/thinking & putting someone/something else before one’s marriage.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^This exactly^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

IMHO, there are many forms of marital infidelity, adultery is but one of them.

It doesn't have to be adultery, it can be drugs, alcohol, gambling, watching sports, hobbies, hanging out with individual friends, putting FOO before your spouse, watching porn, basically anything that takes excessive time, resources & energy away from the marriage in an attempt to fulfill a selfish need.

Wayward thinking is the mindset that says infidelity of one kind or another is OK.

It's not just restricted to those of us whose final infidelity of choice is adultery.

ETA: I personally have been guilty of more than one form of marital infidelity because of 'Wayward Thinking', just like the OP's spouse.

Just something to ponder. YMMV.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:43 PM, December 22nd (Sunday)]

IMHO, there are many forms of marital infidelity, adultery is but one of them.

It doesn't have to be adultery, it can be drugs, alcohol, gambling, watching sports, hobbies, hanging out with individual friends, putting FOO before your spouse, watching porn, basically anything that takes excessive time, resources & energy away from the marriage in an attempt to fulfill a selfish need.

Wayward thinking is the mindset that says infidelity of one kind or another is OK.

It's not just restricted to those of us whose final infidelity of choice is adultery.

I think wayward thinking is basically a fear of facing yourself (being inauthentic) & seeking self-destructive ways of coping with negative feelings. It extends into every aspect of life.

Entitlement, I deserve this because _______. Self serving thoughts that hurt the marriage.

Yes. I learned this^^^^^from reading in the Wayward forum.

I remember Blakesteele wrote a post once about how going thru the whole experience of being betrayed & then trying to rebuild his marriage had forced him to re examine his own behavior. That statement really made me think.

When I hear the term "wayward thinking" I think of putting your responsibility/choices on others, living in a fantasy world (e.g. my BS and AP can be BFF's - this will all work magically!), and basically not dealing in reality.