SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

This morning she wanted to know how are we acting together . I told her that I am working on me and will the children. She again stated that she loves me. She could not change the feeling from the beginning. I told her that she could have dealt with the situation much better and instead crushed me in the process for time to come.

She wants us to live in the house together no matter what so we don't disrupt the kids.

I told her that we are disrupting the kids no matter what and I am not going to live like that. So we will be living on our own. She says that I am wanting things to change right away. Blah blah. I don't want to be second. She is so convinced that this man is her one true love then where is he! Why is he trying to be with his wife and family. She thinks he is lying to himself. Sounds like a stand up guy. She Fuc$ing defends him! No more

She got upset saying that she doesnt want these feelings. She wants her cake and eat it to.

I so mad that I have to go through this shi$.

Good for you for standing up for yourself. You will take baby steps at first but keep moving forward. I am a BS who eventually ended up reconciling with my BS. This was never going to happen until I regained my sense of self worth. I was terrified of being without him and he knew that and took advantage of it. You will be fine with or without her. Fake it until you make it.

She wants her cake and eat it to.

Exactly!

You control the oven. Cut her off of your cake. He already has. Pretty soon she will start acting like a spoiled child that had all her toys taken from her. Be prepared to focus inward and do not engage the crazy.....

She's delusional. The 'let's both live here' is her trying to continue getting what she wants. I'm so glad you said no to that one.

And "it just happened" makes me sick. So she fell in love the first time she talked to him? Or did she have a little crush thinking he was nice and they got along, and instead of saying "Yes he is nice, but I'm married as is he." she went back for more, and more, and more, and more, and more more more more more. It did NOT just happen, at all. She WANTED it to happen. She PURSUED it. There is NO OTHER WAY.

Call her on her bullshit, and tell her she needs to find a place, and then tell her that maybe her soulmate will put her up for a few weeks.

Lying to himself. Disgusting. She's lying to herself because all she was was an easy piece of ass. Pathetic.

I'm so glad you're done with her. She's poison.

EDIT: Now that she is 'free' she will find out exactly how much OM cares when he tells her to stay away from him and continues to work on fixing his mess. That will be a miserable day in her delusional head.

[This message edited by painfulpast at 10:26 AM, December 26th (Thursday)]

BTW, she brought up the movie "the notebook" and how it relates. She thinks she can love more than one until I said yes but can't be IN love with more than one.

I am tempted to text him and his wife and say she is free for him

The notebook. Disgusting. I hate that movie.

First, my H had his EA with an old flame, and she posted that she thought the notebook was the most romantic movie ever. Of course she did - it's about some whore that is engaged to one man but in love with her old boyfriend. He shows up and she has an affair.

THIS is what your wife thinks is ok? Fine - tell her she is glorifying a movie about a whore cheating. See how great she thinks it is then.

Why is she talking to you about this? Does she think she will convince you that her being 'in love' with another man is ok?

Ask her that, and then ask her to just stop and start preparing for life as a divorcee. If she persists, ask her to call her soulmate and tell him she is free and that you hope they have a wonderful life together. Show her you are completely done with her bullshit.

The isn't the movies, a book, or star-crossed lovers.

This is real life. In real life people get hurt. Spouses get hurt. Kids get hurt. Pets get hurt.

This is real life. She doesn't get to "pine away for her soul mate". If he was her soul mate don't you think the Universe would have arranged things so they met while they were single? If they were soul mates why did he dump her under the bus and RUN back to his wife.

As hard as it will be, she needs to understand she was just a free piece of pork on the side to him. She lost her honor and self-worth to some jerk who used her and then threw her away.

There's nothing romantic about this.....she was used.

k9

Felco-

I am sorry you are in this situation. Your wife is terribly foggy, and it will take a dose of reality and time for her to see clearly again. I suggest reading "Not Just Friends" together, and finding a MC. At 3 weeks out my H was still saying some crazy stuff - they have to believe crazy stuff in order to do what they do. My H is totally remorseful and repentant at this point, and working hard to allow me to trust him again.

Likely the OM never meant to leave his wife, and your wife probably knew that but convinced herself that this mixture of brain chemicals and lust actually meant something. (How else could she, probably a decent person at heart, do such a terrible thing?) Those feelings mean something if you are 17 years old and unattached, but mean nothing in the scope of real love and real relationships.

Hang in there - don't be discouraged by the tone of some of the posters.

I suggest reading "Not Just Friends" together, and finding a MC.

I'm sorry, but I respectfully disagree. This is equal to him 'convincing' her that she is not in love. She needs to realize this. Also, there aren't many MCs that will take money from a couple when one of them is this delusional. She needs IC, certainly.

I don't think he should 'convince' her of anything. It's a very weak move, and there is a difference between how men perceive women, and women perceive men.

Also, and I think you would agree to this - you are in the minority. Most that stay like this do NOT come around until they've hit rock bottom, meaning lost (or losing) it all.

I'm very happy that things worked out for you, honestly. I just think it's dangerous advice to give because it so rarely works.

BTW, she brought up the movie "the notebook" and how it relates.

How? How does it freakin' relate?

OM wasn't her first bf.

OM didn't send her love letters from the trenches of WWII and have those letters intercepted by her mother.

She and OM aren't "star crossed lovers".

OM didn't build a house for her.

The female character in the movie wasn't already married with kids. The list goes on and on.

There is not one actual parallel between WW/OM and these fictional characters.

I'd be tempted to sit her down and make say exactly how it relates, because there is so much more that isn't comparable in any way, shape or form. Finally I'd want to drive home how it is an entirely fictional story. Seriously, how much evidence does she need that she is literally trying to live in a fantasy than trying to use a made-up story in this way?

We are both in IC once a week and MC every other week. She truly believes that this feeling will never go away. So, tells me I am a good husband and great father and she loves me. But she believes this connection is more than powerful anything else she has felt.

I can't compete with that. So, time will tell but I can't keep trying to help or figure out what is going on with her.

Time to pull the pin, plug, whatever. See the lawyer and get your ducks In a row.

She wants him? She can have him. She needs to move on and out.

You are doing a great job, you will have some sliding back moments but you are on the right track.

Keep posting and good luck.

Have you told the OM's spouse yet?

End the MC. Show her you very much mean what you say. If she comes to her senses, fine, but otherwise why waste the time and money?

She really needs a reality check. Tell her you'd like her gone by Sunday night. Tell her that she's had plenty of time and she still wants someone else. Since she destroyed the family with her teenage bullshit, she can leave.

You do NOT need to accept her crap.

We are both in IC once a week and MC every other week. She truly believes that this feeling will never go away. So, tells me I am a good husband and great father and she loves me. But she believes this connection is more than powerful anything else she has felt.

I can't compete with that. So, time will tell but I can't keep trying to help or figure out what is going on with her.

Like most of the other posters here are telling you, you are going about it all wrong.

Right now marriage counseling is an absolute waste of time and money. As long as she still has feelings of love for this man, no amount of MC is going to do a damn thing good for your marriage.

Best thing you can do is spend your hard earned money on a good IC, someone who is an expert on PTSD and infidelity, and stay with that counselor for your own mental health.

After my DDay my wife was in a fog for two months or so, even after I hd kicked her out to go live with her parents. Nothing was getting through to her: not me, not her parents, not her counselor.

Then I filed for divorce and had her served. When she saw those divorce papers in her hand, when she had tangible real proof that her life was about to hit rock bottom and that I was more than willing to walk away and let the marriage die, THEN she fell apart and begged me not to split up with her.

Those divorce papers woke her up fast.

Your wife is happy stringing you along, and you are letting her do so.

You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it. You cannot nice your wife out of her fog.

[This message edited by DefeatedDad at 1:04 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

She truly believes that this feeling will never go away. So, tells me I am a good husband and great father and she loves me. But she believes this connection is more than powerful anything else she has felt.

So what she expect you to do with that information? It's a form of abuse imho. She's talking about this great connection, meanwhile the OM went crawling back to his BW and couldn't dump your WW fast enough. That's some great connection

Separate and prepare for D because as long as she persists in this she's going to continue to inflict hurt upon. It's almost like she resents you and feels like you're an obstacle. She isn't expressing in any interest in R. At most she doesn't want to D but from these ridiculous things she has said to she would restart the A if the OM were interested. That is a horrible way to treat you. Take yourself out of the equation. Co-parent with her but I cannot recommend you detach from her in every other sense fast enough.

Honestly this kind of reminds of addicts who refuse to acknowledge their addiction (and all of the damage it brings) and that they need to stop.

There is not one actual parallel between WW/OM and these fictional characters.

Actually, the parallel is that they are all fictional characters, including your wife's OM. She doesn't really know him, only the fantasy him.

It's time for her to move out. You are making her life waaayyyy too comfortable. She is free to pine for OM and have you still there for comfort. The fog has no change of dissipating until she becomes Uncomfortable. With you as her support, she is and will be comfortable. Stop it now, for you and her, really, because she's trying to live her life with something that's not real.

Really, you are starting to see this. Keep reading and working it. And if Bigger keeps posting, read every words he writes like your life depends on it. This man is WISE!!!

[This message edited by sudra at 1:11 PM, December 26th (Thursday)]

Actually, the parallel is that they are all fictional characters, including your wife's OM. She doesn't really know him, only the fantasy him.

Hmmmmm....ok, you've got me there. Excellent point.

He informed his wife the night after she told me.

She is the one who is paying for the house.

I am not leaving yet. So, we will be roommates.

The OM eife says his he is totally committed to the family and marriage.

Must be nice to have his choices, bastard

She is the one who is paying for the house.

And I assume that your money goes to other expenses? So effectively you are both paying for the house?

I am not leaving yet. So, we will be roommates.

Not a really great idea. I know that is more comfortable, but she really needs to see what she is throwing away. As long as you are right there keeping her company, helping with the housework, watching the kids while she runs errands, etc. then she has lost nothing in terms of quality of life.

If you stay in the house, she won't miss you. She won't see and feel what life is like without you in it. She still has exactly what she wants - you as a housemate and buddy, and her 'love' for OM.

I would tell her she needs to leave for a few weeks while you get your head straight, or tell her you're leaving, pack a bag, and leave. Even if you only stay gone for a week or two, make her see what she is really doing. Make her see exactly what her foolishness and selfishness has cost her.