An emotional roller coaster with an incredibly deep, downward spiral in the middle.
Back story: We haven't been living together since I kicked WH out just before Labor Day when I discovered numerous sexual communications on his phone with other women and men. He confessed to being curious about men & had received oral sex from a man once about 1 month earlier (which is around the time I started to become suspicious that he was having an affair) but that it didn't feel right so he stopped it in the act and knew it wasn't for him. We've continued to see each other weekly and maintained intimacy while I've sought therapy and encouraged him to do the same for the teenaged sexual assault he experienced and said was at the root of his behavior.
We had a very nice Christmas Eve night together. I was finally starting to fall asleep around 1:30/2AM when he said he was going out to his car to get my gift so he could wrap it while I slept. He came back in the house around 2:30AM & woke me up, saying he needed to talk to me. An OW was outside, supposedly unbeknownst to him when he went out there. He said she had been drinking & was upset that he wasn't spending Christmas with her. She brought her adult daughter & a friend, presumably to physically threaten or abuse him or us both if it escalated. A verbal altercation ensued, mostly by the daughter, and he told them to leave or he'd call the cops. As he was telling me all of this, one of them knocked on the front door & then left. We both went to the front gate where the OW was standing, asking WH for her house key back. She said something benign to me, like hello or good night, and I replied with a fuck you. That upset her & she cussed back at me & started talking back to someone else. That's when I saw my dear neighbor in her front yard in her nightgown, defending me & yelling at the OW to leave (I rent the house behind them, on the same lot & the neighbor is actually also my landlord).
Over the next 4.5 - 5 hours we talked and cried & he ultimately told me that he first slept with her back in late 2011, 1 month before I was moving back into town (I had moved out of state for my job for 7 months, paid to fly him up every other weekend & then he & his 2 teenaged daughters packed & moved me back that Thanksgiving weekend into our own place together (that was before we were married). Some time later, I had discovered near-constant texting with this woman & asked him about it, insisting that he stop. He insisted she was a married friend for years that he had no interest in. I looked up her Facebook profile & knew he was lying about the attraction part at least because she isn't ugly & has big tits. Well, after more prying overnight, he confessed that he had taken some clothes, mail & other things over there after I kicked him out and had slept with her twice since then. She got my address from his mail. Also learned of some other lies he had upheld since we met 3.5 years ago, only after telling him this was his one chance to tell me EVERYTHING & that if I found out anything else down the line that it would be over. Even after that, he continued to uphold that he had only slept with her once back in 2011. I had to keep questioning him for the supposed truth about the 2 recent encounters to come out.
After about 2 hours of sleep Christmas morning, talked off & on, and things were generally calm. Then, I checked Facebook & saw that the OW had sent me a series of short messages around 3AM about how she & my WH have been sleeping together since October 2011 without condoms & that she only recently found out about me. Then, around 7AM, she sent a follow up message saying that I was going to believe what I wanted to. When I asked him whether she'd contacted him too, he read me some texts in which she apparently said something about how he told her his heart is with me (the BW) and that he was just using her for the storage.
I lost it this morning, arguing, yelling & cursing at him. He promised to change whether or not we stay together because this whole experience over the past 4 months is motivating him to want to be a better husband & father. He also brought up the idea of marriage counseling (which I wanted HIM to bring up) & I told him that would be the only possible way I could ever trust him again, because I can't do it on my own. Then, this afternoon, we took one of his daughters to the mall & I put on a pleasant face for all of my interactions with her, but I was distant & virtually non-interactive with him. I just don't know who or what to believe anymore. This whole thing has caused me to question my own judgement & esteem.
Tonight, I emailed him a short list of therapists' website links from which to choose & told him to pick the one he thinks he'll feel the most comfortable talking to, along with his general availability so that I could make our first appointment for couples counseling.
I was so concerned about making it a nice Christmas & New Year's and was planning to tell him to leave for good after that because I figured he was a deeply closeted homosexual. He swore that isn't him, but he did admit to being a cheater & a liar who has always been a liar & needs help. I love this man more than I thought I could love someone (I don't have kids yet) and I'm still in love with him, but only a little. One more blow will certainly be the last, so I'm trying to give him just one more chance through counseling. Not sure if I can even make it through though because of my constant "emotional schizophrenia" in which I hate him, feel in love with him and then convince myself that I couldn't care less whether he decides to stay or go... All within the same week, sometimes the same day.
I'm sorry for the story dump. This is my first time posting here or to any site like this and I'm typing how I'm feeling... all over the place. I'm sure it comes across nutty & like I'm ridiculous for even considering staying with this man who has lied repeatedly - perhaps even uncontrollably since I met him. Truth is, when it's good, it's nearly perfect, and when it's bad, it's the worst pain I've ever felt. I'm grasping at the hope that he can & will change and that we can find trust, respect (of which I've lost a tremendous amount for him) and happiness together again, but only this time it will be true happiness, not just the ignorant bliss I felt while he carried on behind my back.
[This message edited by ImaBAlrite at 7:04 AM, December 27th (Friday)]
