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I wish my WBF would tell me the truth. I feel in my gut that he hasn't been completely honest. Until I feel he has been, I'm kind of stuck in limbo, angry and it makes reconciliation that much harder! :( I'm glad you've told your BW everything. Open book will help so much.

Another book I recommend is "Not just Friends" by Shirley Glass. Get it, read it, implement the ideas.

My WH is NPD and possible SA that is why we are not reconciling. If he was truly remorseful as you seem to be things would be different.

Do the hard work of letting her vent and heal. You job is now to reassure her and reassure her and reassure her ... hmmm

What is NPD? Thank you!

After I posted that (above about WBF not being honest) I confronted him and asked more questions. He was honest and told me. "Supposedly" I know everything now. What a shot to the gut!! He admitted to more 2 more sexual encounters than the 3 I previously thought (same woman). Wow! It's like DDay all over again!! He wants to forget and move on, so to speak. I told him we can't do that because that's him not dealing with it and trying to forget..... We are still talking but I'm devastated!

"I am here. I am not leaving you. I will do whatever it takes to support you, when you need to talk, I am here. If you want details, I am here. Is there anything I can do (around house, etc) to help you."

^^^^^^^Yes!^^^^^^

Above all respect her wishes. If she doesn't want you to contact her then don't. Also, like this poster said don't do it for you. My WS still doesn't get this. Just today he called and I was feeling down. I told him I was feeling in funk and triggering. His response was, "Ahhh I'm sorry. Do you miss me?" WTF?

After I posted that (above about WBF not being honest) I confronted him and asked more questions. He was honest and told me. "Supposedly" I know everything now. What a shot to the gut!! He admitted to more 2 more sexual encounters than the 3 I previously thought (same woman). Wow! It's like DDay all over again!! He wants to forget and move on, so to speak.

Fat chance buddy. Where do these WS get off thinking because they have now told us "everything" that we can now simply move on and forget? I highly doubt you now know everything and even if you do how do you believe it? After all you knew "everything" before he told you the new information, right?

What is NPD?

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I really wonder if it's okay to simply tell her I miss her, that I love her, that I am thinking about her, on a daily basis.

Hey PFH,

I've never posted about this before bc honestly, my true feelings are a bit contrary to typical SI wisdom. And as I have a deep respect for that wisdom, I tend to keep my mouth shut when I do not agree.

But. I do not agree with the "respecting boundaries" thing. And this is purely from personal experience, so take it with a grain of salt.

I am here to tell you that I told FWH not to come home. He told me that he had been away from me for far too long and that he would not allow that to happen anymore. He told me I would have to file papers to keep him away.

And I loved him for it.

One of the many difficult things with R for a BS is that we pretty much have to concede our pride entirely. In order to stay with someone who has done this, we kinda have to. It's hard. And it's why I think a WS should "push". Should pursue. Should prove. It helps us believe that we are not stupid for even considering this. It assuages our pride. At least a little.

I would pursue her. I would pester her. I am saying this bc it is what I would have wanted. Treat this as a life or death situation and go after her. Make her believe that you want her whether she wants you or not.

That's what I would have wanted.

You know your BS. If she's different than me (and many are!), then act accordingly. But from where I'm sitting it's hard for me to believe that she doesn't want you to come after her. With everything you've got.

Good luck.

hfm

heforgotme, I really appreciate you taking the time to offer a differing opinion. And wow, I can tell you, a full 99.99% of me wants to do exactly what you are saying. It's my instinct...I DID LEAVE HER ALONE FOR TOO LONG and before I left the house, she would say this to me when she cried. It tore me up to hear those words and I swore to her and myself I would never leave her alone again.

But for now, and as you well know, 2+months in there is no stable ground...emotions go from depression to anger to confusion to hate to love over and over again, so I think the boundaries approach wins.

But I also think of myself like a sprinter waiting in the gates for the gun to go off, so if she tells me in our joint counseling that it's okay to share my emotions, then I WILL GIVE IT EVERYTHING I'VE GOT.

Thanks again for sharing with me. All this input helps me stay grounded while trying to sort out the pain I have caused for my wife.

emotions go from depression to anger to confusion to hate to love over and over again, so I think the boundaries approach wins.

But I also think of myself like a sprinter waiting in the gates for the gun to go off, so if she tells me in our joint counseling that it's okay to share my emotions, then I WILL GIVE IT EVERYTHING I'VE GOT.

Hi Praying,

I agree with HFM that it may be helpful to your BS to hear you express your commitment to her. And it sounds like this is something that would be valuable to you, too.

But I would suggest that you be careful to keep this separate from the emotions you are feeling from moment to moment. The anger/confusion/hate/love/missing her etc. are a consequence of your actions, and they are yours to experience, and make use of if you can. Don't burden your BS with them!

Your BS needs to be able to feel confident that your desire and commitment to reconcile with her is more consistent than these passing emotional states. So you need to make sure you express that commitment in terms that are respectful of your BS; for example,

- in a form she consents to (during MC? in a letter? in a regular check-in?)

- with sincere acknowledgment of the hurt you have caused her and your responsibility for it

- with empathy for the conflicting emotions she may be experiencing herself and the healing that she needs

- in conjunction with a plan of action of what you are doing to make yourself safer for her, above and beyond what she has requested

- with constructive reference to insights you have gained in IC/visits

- with reference to your emotions as a motivating force

- with awareness that you can only control your own actions, and you are the only one that controls your actions

- without asking her to deal with your pain on top of hers

- without pressure or expectation for her to respond in any way, but giving space for her to do so

You said that you "don't want to do it IF it makes things worse for her" - this is a great instinct. Go one step further and do your best to *make sure* it helps you both.

Tell her at couples therapy next week. Tell her you love her, that you hate that your hurt her.

I would pursue her. I would pester her. I am saying this bc it is what I would have wanted. Treat this as a life or death situation and go after her. Make her believe that you want her whether she wants you or not.

But again with respect. She may not be ready to hear it. When I found out about my husband's latest A, I forbade him to tell me he loved me since it was untrue.

He came home one evening as I was getting our kids ready for bed and said, "I'm telling you this because *I* want to say it... I LOVE YOU"

It was infuriating because it proved, once again, that it was all about HIM. HIS wants, HIS needs, HIS point of view.

I agree with the above poster about waiting until couple's counseling. While this may feel like life or death, and in a way it is, IMO you do have time.

Good luck, and I am relieved to see another Remorseful WS. It seems like you are few and far between some times and knowing you exist gives me hope.

Tiptoeing in here ---

As a betrayed spouse, if wh had come to me 2 months post Dday and told me he loved me, I may well have yanked his tongue out for saying something so blatantly stupid and disrespectful.

Now, if wh had come to me and said he knew he had destroyed our world, the world we had created and that he was in our marriage for the long haul and that he was looking forward to proving to me that he was the man I thought he was .... THAT I could have listened to.

Imo - 2 months out is way too soon to be professing love. If wh had loved me, he would not have strayed.

Actions - consistent actions and respectful words would have gone alot further. I did not want his love at that point - I wanted his respect. I wanted his honoring, respectful actions.

I want to thank everyone for the amazing feedback here - it helped a LOT and more than anything else, probably saved me from saying something hurtful too soon and too focused on MY NEEDS.

I'll let you know how MC goes when we kick back off next week. I'm hopeful, but I'm pretty sure it's just a passing moment...