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I think the problem here may be empathy. At least with this particular exchange, you appear more impatient than empathetic. For example:

BS: Feeling close to you just reminds me of the closeness you had with him. Everytime that's what I think of. Everytime.

WS: You may not be able to change who you are- but you can absolutely change the way you are. And make a conscious effort to better yourself. So your saying you DONT want to be close to me? You DONT want to push through this with me?

Your BS opened up to you. He told you feeling close to is a reminder of your A. Your response puts that on him and could easily be interpreted as "your feelings are wrong". Add on to that, you put words in his mouth that he never said. He told you what he thought of when he was close to you, not that he didn't want to be close to you. See the difference?

Perhaps if your response had been more along the lines of:

"I can see how feeling close to me would remind you of what I had with my AP. I am terribly sorry that I have put you in a position that someone else has come between us and I hurt you deeply. I want nothing more to be able to get to a place when the only thing we are thinking about is one another when we are together or apart. I love you and I desire to be close to you. Maybe the only way is to push through some of those thoughts and feelings. Idk, I am willing to do whatever you need and wait as long as I need to because I love you. When you are ready, I will be here".

This one also caught my eye:

WS: I just wanted to crawl up next to you and hold you and feel you. But the last thing I want is to feel rejected so I'm asking you.

BS: (complete silence) and then falls asleep

As great as it is that you are vulnerable enough to let him know that you don't want to be rejected, I am not sure he is capable of sympathizing with you on that at this point. The fact that he said nothing actually shows that he has a great deal restraint on his part. Because after all, you have been the one rejecting him. Believe me when I say he is fighting between feeling like this is his fault (what is wrong with him), feeling like a shmuck, and trying to put all responsibility back onto you where it belongs. It's tiring and difficult. So maybe if you had just left it at "I just wanted to crawl up next to you and hold you" you might have had an entirely different response.

It's ok to talk about your feelings and needs, however I think it's very important to consider your BS's perspective when doing so. Be supportive but try not to manage him or "fix" him.

[This message edited by WalkinOnEggshelz at 9:30 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

Here's how I see it. You are still looking for validation. Not from OM but now from your BH. You are asking way too much of him. You are pushing him too hard.

I hear you crying "I love you, really, I do I do I do!" And understandably, he cannot believe simples words. And in the same breath, you are telling him he still isn't giving you what YOU need. Making him think that he was the problem. And now that he really can't give you what you want (affection, words of affirmation), you are likely to give up.

He is there. He is trying. It is a struggle. My BH still struggles 5 years later.

Stop the tit for tat. In other words, do things for him and send texts with hearts if you want, because you want to. Not because you are expecting something in return. It comes off as manipulative from his perspective.

His life has been destroyed and now it feels to him like you want him to fix it all.

Work on you, but don't make the R about what you need all the time. How about what he needs?

If you are consistent, with time he may trust you again. Give the man time.

BTW, was that entire conversation via text? (I hope not...)

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 9:42 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

t/j

Sorry, Deeply but I agree with Slow here

Hi Tesseract.

Deeply did not say that my assessment was incorrect.

She quite rightly pointed out that I was being harsh to a 'newbie'.

It was an oversight on my part & I will be more tactful in future.

Just wanted to clear that up.

end t/j

I understand that, I just didn't think you were being especially harsh. Perhaps you could have explained more, but speaking for myself, I appreciate flat out bluntness immensely. I really like WalkinOnEggshelz's post. It's spot on.

I appreciate flat out bluntness immensely

Right there with you mate.

I have learnt to temper it over the years, but sometimes I slip up.

Never been really good with the 'warm & fuzzies', but I am learning.

@walkingonehhshellz

I took everything you said in. And I am thankful to you for setting me straight. I need to know when I am being unreasonable. I wrote a letter, with a lot of your words. Can you review? Thoughts?

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Yesterday in our texts, I showed a lack of empathy. I wasn't listening to you or trying to see through your eyes. You opened up to me and told me how being close to me "felt". Not that you didn't "want" to be close to me. I want nothing more than to get to a place when the only thing we are thinking about is one another when we are together or apart. I love you and I desire to be close to you. Maybe the only way is to push through some of those thoughts and feelings. Idk, I am willing to do whatever you need and wait as long as I need to because I love you. When you are ready, I will be here.

@Mrs Panda

Thank you. Your post helped a lot. It gives me quite a lot to think about and even more to put into action.

As for the texts, yes. That was all of it. The whole thing. I left nothing out.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry. Yesterday in our texts, I showed a lack of empathy. I wasn't listening to you or trying to see through your eyes. You opened up to me and told me how being close to me "felt". Not that you didn't "want" to be close to me.

Good!

I want nothing more than to get to a place when the only thing we are thinking about is one another when we are together or apart. I love you and I desire to be close to you. Maybe the only way is to push through some of those thoughts and feelings. Idk,

^^^^please leave this out. Again, it is all "I want. Me me me ". I promise you, he knows what you want and need. Repeating it over and over does not help. Be patient, I believe like my BH, he wants to make it work.

I am willing to do whatever you need and wait as long as I need to because I love you. When you are ready, I will be here be

^^^YES!

[This message edited by Mrs Panda at 10:47 AM, January 4th (Saturday)]

This is his response.

What is the proper way to respond?

All I can think about still is why you weren't willing to do that for me/us then. Every time we are close or you say something like that I can't help but think if it was really true something inside you would have stopped. And you didn't.

@Mrs Panda

This is his response.

What is the proper way to respond?

All I can think about still is why you weren't willing to do that for me/us then. Every time we are close or you say something like that I can't help but think if it was really true something inside you would have stopped. And you didn't.

I guess I would say something to the effect of "owning your shit" as we say on SI. Followed by an apology and expression to figure out your shit and be a better person.

I took a loooooong time to remove my cranium from my posterior. I was angry, and I let my BH blame himself for a log time.

here is the jist of what I recently said to my BH after a rare argument:

Baby, I am so fxxxing sorry for the terrible things I did to you and us. I think about it every day. I can't forget how awful I was. The only thing that keeps me going it living authentically now.

None of it was your fault. None of it. it was all my shitty choices and my insecurities. I will not be that person. I have changed my coping strategies.

(In reference to me cheating again). I understand why you would fear that. I know it will always be there. All I can say is this is the worst thing to go through, and I would never put us through that again.

--------------------

Bascially you need to figure out why you allowed yourself to cheat. You need to apologize again and again. You need to realize and empathize how you can never ever just "move on." There is no clean slate . No do-over. It will always be there, like a little black cloud. But if enough healing happens, most days can be sunny.

You've gotten some great advice here, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what you're going through--I know it's frustrating and it hurts.

I'll second stilllovinghim's suggestions to work on yourself--especially to get into IC if you're not already. Your husband might respond positively and be more willing to move forward when he sees positive change in you. It seems he needs you to identify and fix the thing that is bothering him--that (in his words) "something inside you" that didn't make you stop the affair.

In the meantime, I'd follow his lead. When he doesn't respond to your affection, let it go and remind him you'll be there when he's ready. In that moment, don't turn his hurt into your hurt.

Good luck...

[This message edited by AchillesHealed at 1:46 PM, January 4th (Saturday)]