SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You sound like a man's man. Only a real man can buck up and do what you've done to forgive your wife and try and move past it.

Thank you. I don't think I'm quite at forgiveness yet, but working on it. Hopefully I get there some day...if WSO plays her cards right.

Did you ever consider this yourself? I imagine starting fresh and not having to look at the woman who gutted me and know all the nitty gritty about her nasty little secret .

Sure I've considered moving on and finding someone else. I don't want someone else though, I want WSO, and I'm still in love with her. Sometimes I wish it was easy to just detach and walk away from all this pain, but it's hard to do it when you are 100% sure she is the love of your life...flaws and all!

[This message edited by Jesu at 4:43 AM, January 10th (Friday)]

I understand what you're going through. We cuddle but pretty much no sex. In our first few MC sessions he brought up he thought I took sex too seriously, it was too "spiritual" to me. That killed what was left of my libido. If you don't want to get close to your partner, what's the point? I might as well invest in a vibrator.

As for explicit photos, I was lucky there were none I found. So far. The photo I did find though was of when we invited the OW and her young sons to our vacation home. I took a nicely framed photo of WH, OW and sons sitting all cozy together on the deck. He had used that digital photo I took and made a sentimental valentine's day card saying how much he loved her and what a great mom she was. I found myself looking at "their family photo.".....That I took of my husband and his mistress. Don't know if I can ever get over finding that.

He's lying. He was interested in bonding, just not with me. Now after I found out, he says he wants to stay married to me though. He might be lying about this too.

[This message edited by StruckNumb at 5:17 AM, January 11th (Saturday)]

Brother I remember your story from day one . The pain you/ we go through is un bearable at times. I will not give you some speech about your life but I will tell you my thoughts. I often want to thank my stbxww for having no remorse at all not even for a second. The pain was quick and fierce but it is going the same way. I honestly do not think I could do what you are. I applaud you for that strength and devotion.

I want to gently ask a question. Do you think that if you left her , you would be giving up? You have no blame in this. She cheated. You have to look in that mirror daily at the person you are becoming as a result of her actions and decide when that is enough.

At my low times in the beginning after D day I would grab the phone and want to beg her back or follow her like a sick puppy . What stopped me was flashing back to her words and actions leading up to D day. Remembering that pain! And thinking of my kids , not if they will miss me if I am not there but if they will respect me later in life , how would I want them to act in this situation. My son is very impressionable . I need to lead by example so I never once after D day begged her back.

My point is you are a great guy , you love your family as we all did .your feelings are normal. I am not in reconciliation so I do not know exactly what you are in but I do know I lived through the affair before D day and it was torture. I think the pain stops when you make it stop and you take control . fix yourself first , then maybe tackle fixing the marraige. Stay strong brother .

P.s. You being a healthy guy should know to stay off the sauce , healthy body= healthy mind

Uhtred, I also remember your posts and I sympathize with the dilemma you are in.

The point is sex with another man to most women is just an exciting fantasy, and the question is why did your wife take it one stage further and commit adultery. Its to do with a lack of respect and a poor image of you in her mind.

The lack of respect is still there, even though she is sorry for hurting you and desperately afraid of losing her precious marriage. Its possible her feelings for the OM are also still there as precious memories she dwells on from time to time.

I think your WW has had her exciting flings with various men and now wants to repair the damage and move on with her routine, tedious marriage, bring up the children. I honestly don't think she has any passionate love for you; you are just like an old pair of slippers, warm and comfortable. No excitement, but she has her memories.....

I think the best way forward is just to accept the relationship on your own terms and make plans to possibly leave when the children are older and child support isn't a big issue. Start making plans now, separating finances and making friends of your own. You can never trust this woman again, but you may need to live with her for the kids and financial reasons. So take what you need from the marriage and put love and devotion to one side. Maybe she'll one day fall back in love with you; or maybe not. By that time you may not care.

Here is the good news:

1. You have the right to decide what is best for you.

Cheating is a form of emotional violence. You don't have to live with a wife who has been abusive. Maybe this was a dealbreaker for you. Affairs kill marriages - sometimes (maybe often!). If you are done you are done and you have the right to leave without guilt. (Even the bible says so!) Don't let anyone tell you that you have to stay in an abusive or dead marriage by making you feel guilty that you are "living in the past". Trauma doesn't work that way. The pain etched in our memories doesn't come with precise time stamps. Faulkner said: “The past is never dead. It's not even past.” ― Requiem for a Nun

2. You have the right to give yourself time to figure out what is best for you. Recovery from infidelity is a looooong process whether you R or D. You will go through many phases. Give yourself whatever time you need. Don't force yourself to either forgive/forget or leave ... it just won't work if you are not ready.

Hope this is helpful!

I'll say it again, I really appreciate the responses. My ww has told me a million times how sorry she is. She is starting to recognize where she went wrong with her IC or at least that is what she says.

She's told me that she is in love with me and always has been. She's also told me she didn't love her self and thought that there was no way that I could've possibly loved her the way I said I did. She has some self image issues for sure. She says she'll do anything to keep us together. She's reading, going to counseling and showing me all the compassion in the world. She's willing to talk about anything involving the affair.

The million dollar question remains though. Is all of that just a huge excuse? Can I live with what she has done? I know that my kids come first and I'll die unhappy before I upset their apple cart.

It's all a damn shame. I really loved/love her still and always have. We've known each other since grade school. Every time I think about trying to work through this I think to myself "is this a person I'd want with me in a foxhole"? The answer to that is always no. Makes me cry every time too. She was a "perfect" wife and companion all these years and all of the sudden she changed when the weight loss happened.

I did go home last night and "Try my Best" to be upbeat. I ended up really enjoying her company. I miss her even though we live in the same house together. This shit is so complicated I'm not sure I'm even understanding me and my problems.

Someone said on this thread that I need to worry about fixing me before the marriage. That has stuck with me and thank you for telling me that. If I'm not well my marriage will never be fixed.