SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm still fairly new here, but it has really surprised me how many men are BS. As a W who is a BS, I guess I always envisioned it as only wives are the betrayed one. Boy, was I wrong! I know it takes 2 to have an A and apparently often both or the Ws are married. Are times getting worse or has this always been so epidemic? I can't even stand to watch my old favorite Carol Burnett shows because many of their skits were about infidelity and what once was funny, now sickens me. I'm sorry everyone for all our pain.

I know it takes 2 to have an A and apparently often both or the Ws are married.

I agree. The subject has come up before and ratio of BW on SI vs the number of BH has been discussed. It has been pointed out that while there were more BW on SI it seems the OW was almost always married so out there was a BH who was not a member of SI. Lately it seems the ranks of BH's on SI have been swelling, though that may simply be my perception. Then again the ranks of SI continue to swell. Period. So yes, it is sad for all of us.

Well infidelity knows no gender. And all those darned men who were sleeping around werent sleeping with the same single woman! Lol!

One of the things that hurts in addition is the gender war about "why women cheat" vs men. The more I read the sicker the excuses. Anyone with the slightest perspective can tell you no marriage is perfect. So I am sure any adult would tell you that with some counseling or some dedication, things could have improved. Thats realistic. Most of the womens "reasons" make it sound like men are responsible for their happiness. Sick stuff.

The truth is those that commit infidelity have deep seeded issues that only they can heal. It is 100% their bad choice and theirs to own. Gallup survey last may, 91% of americans think cheqting is the worst thing we can do in a relationship, and since its a random sample you know those werent all saints that answered the survey. But notice theres no gender difference there. Men and women who cheat engage in an act or acts that are hurtful to themselves and their spouse. Just know this, you didnt cheat. And you were in the same marriage your partner was. Male or female doesn't matter. Actions matter.

Hi Rampant,

Yes. Lots of men as BS. Lots of women as BS. Lots of infidelity.

I think it is worse than it used to be. For example, prior to the Internet, if you moved across country you pretty much lost contact with most people. Now, you can stay in touch with everyone and do it easily. Old flames can be kept alive or reignited. You can find anyone from your past. There is Ashley Madison, Craig's list, free porn, easy communication via texting, etc. None of that existed 20 years ago.

Honestly, and I may start a flame war here, I think it's easier for women to cheat than it is for men. It's biological. I believe a lot of it has to do with a general lack of empathy in male OPs. The sad fact is that (most) men compartmentalize sex, and don't bear the moral attachment necessary to walk away from an opportunity with an attractive woman, however attached she may be. Perhaps that's a biased perspective, but it's mine.

I would agree with whatever on that small point, I have said it before, a decent looking woman can walk into any bar and find a male willing to engage in sex. Or for that matter, at work. It takes zero talent. Staying faithful is where the skill is. And if you perceive a marriage in trouble, you have a duty to fix the problem, not run to the arms of another. The answer to this is what it always is, you cheat, you are screwed up. Once that line is crossed theres no going back. Some can try to live with it, some can rebuild their commitment, but the hole dug from infidelity is much deeper than if they had just said no, dont want to ruin my marriage, rather work on it together.

I know in my case my WW looked for the approval and validation that came from a "superior" at work noticing her and complementing her. That came from her upbringing and not from lack of affection from me. This is my opinion, but I think a lot of parents out there aren't instilling the right morals in their children. Society as a whole doesn't help either but it is not about being happy all the time, that isn't going to happen. It's about finding someone that will truly love you no matter what and fighting for them. That is something else that should be taught, to many people think things should be handed to them and when things don't go right they can just end a marriage without fighting for it.

Sorry for the rant but this struck a nerve as my WW is acting like we were just boyfriend/girlfriend and our marriage meant nothing. Seeing other men on here my age and going through almost the exact same situation hits home that there is a common thing missing in all of the WWs out there.

I think there are as many reasons people cheat as there are cheaters, no matter what the gender. If you want to heal the marriage as well as the cheater, you need to explore the reasons that worked in them that lead them to be unfaithful. Women can be just as broken and immoral as men, married or not. I think there are more ways for W's to meet these days, but the reasons are ancient.

I've always thought BHs were increasing since my issue in 2003. But that's just anecdotal.

As a W who is a BS, I guess I always envisioned it as only wives are the betrayed one.

Sadly, the statistics are showing that women are catching up to the men when it comes to marital infidelity. Here are some current statistics:

http://www.statisticbrain.com/infidelity-statistics/

Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had 57 %

Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had 54 %

I've told my DH over and over again that if he decides he must become involved with another person that he owes it to me at the very least to send me a text message that it is over before he drops his drawers.

I would not consider it "cheating" if he informs me that he's going elsewhere for his needs. Now I'm not saying that it wouldn't hurt like hell but at least he would not be lying to me.

I realize that not all marriages last forever unfortunately. But one should be honest not a lying cheater.

You are right about the number of men increasing over the years.

When I first started posting on this site many, many years ago the women far out-numbered the men. Not because there were less BH, but because men were not encouraged to talk about it. The other memory I have is that BM postings didn't tend to attract as many responses from the BW's on the site.

Thank goodness it has changed over the years.

Bipass

[This message edited by bipass at 12:36 AM, January 9th (Thursday)]

The sad fact is that (most) men compartmentalize sex, and don't bear the moral attachment necessary to walk away from an opportunity with an attractive woman, however attached she may be. Perhaps that's a biased perspective, but it's mine.

Where's your data? IMO, you've turned an opinion into a fact in your head. It's just an opinion. You're entitled to it, but I object to your calling it a fact.

Percent of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had 57 %

Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had 54 %

Note that the question was about 'any relationship'. The latest statistics I've seen from the General social Survey was something like 25% of male and 15% of female respondents admitted to cheating in marriages.

I'm still fairly new here, but it has really surprised me how many men are BS. As a W who is a BS, I guess I always envisioned it as only wives are the betrayed one. Boy, was I wrong! I know it takes 2 to have an A and apparently often both or the Ws are married. Are times getting worse or has this always been so epidemic?

I think the numbers here as far as men vs. women are subject to some societal pressure. Not to paint in too broad of strokes. But I think that we men are less likely to go public with the fact that our wife had a affair.

Maybe the *strong man* stereotype plays into this. I dunno.

It stands to reason that BW and BH would be in equal numbers. Just as WW and WH would be in equal numbers. Otherwise just WHO are WS having affairs with?

Any differences I think are just in the number of those who report or show up on SI.

I hope my generalizations didnt offend anyone one. YMMV and other disclaimers apply.

I was watching something earlier today that stated the number of women in an A has increased. Something about the Internet making it easier, but I think that goes for both sexes.

Sisoon - That link posted shows a higher percentage, depending on how the question was asked.

And that 74% of men admitted they would cheat if their wives wouldn't find out about it. :(

When you factor in the ones that just won't admit that they would, it feels like the whole world will cheat on you if they think they won't get caught.

I'm not surprised by the high number of BM. Society has generally conditioned men not to talk about being betrayed, and there seems to be a sympathetic view to WW.

If a male cheats, society brands him a selfish asshole, shows an outpouring of support for the WW, burns him at the stake..."How could he step outside his marriage, what a pig" etc...and rightfully so I guess.

If a female cheats, society blames the male. He must have been an inadequate lover, wonder what he did to push her away. The poor woman was being neglected and was looking for affection. Maybe if the male had been more attentive to her needs she wouldn't have had to look for it elsewhere.

That kind of attitude is rampant in films, for instance. Plenty of movies with a male being vilified for cheating, but so many films glorifying cheating when it is a female. The Notebook is a perfect example.

Now, I know my view may not be popular here, but it is what it is. I've even seen it on display here recently. It seems I get attacked, finger pointed at me, blamed for the situation I find myself in, by other SI members quite frequently...and I'm the BS! Yet I was just reading a thread started by a WW, getting plenty of support from other BW...because she is "remorseful".

The double standard is disguising IMO, as I don't think gender bias should come into it all when it comes to infidelity. Everybody hurts!

The real reality of all this...it's sad either way. Women used to be looked upon as the strong moral compass in marriage but are now just falling into the pit of infidelity just as much as men.

With technology, we are all equal in trying to commit adultery. I think anyone who is having affair now a days is purely acting they are entitled to it and will use any means...Smartphones with passcodes and FaceBook. Our society today has made it much easier to commit adultery and much harder for people to be TRUTHFUL and FAITHFUL because they think they can get away with it.