SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Listen, Confused, you don't necesseraly have to tell. What you can't do is to pretend it never happened. Confessing is quite selfish although not as selfish as people who are afraid of coming clean wants to believe it is. It's selfish because in the end, you need it in order to feel good with yourself. With such a burden, you can't be the wife your husband deserves or the mother your kids need. Coming clean is just that, becoming clean. Becoming a better person, one who is brave enough to live a life without lies. Being honest with the people you love is hard, not just in this case but it every case. Furthermore, if you don't heal correctly (that is, together with your husband), you're in a easy situation to cheat again. I know you will say that you'll never do it again, but that's what you said when you got married, right? If we were to ask you when you were newlywed, you would tell us that you will never ever have an affair. But the truth is you were vulnerable then and you will be now, because you'll know you're not really dealing with the issues that led to another's man's arms in the first place.

Do whatever you want, nobody want to judge you. We are here now and we will be here when/if you confess, and we will be here when you start to heal yourself and when you look back and reread this thread and cringe the hell out your soul. And finally, we will be here when you get better, with or without your husband. There's a lot of pain in this forums, sometimes you get harsh responses because of that, but that's just because people don't want you to make the same mistakes they made. Be strong, do what you believe is right and everything will be fine.

and yes dammit, I'm still writing those damn emails in my head but now some of them are to some of you!! : )

Well at least your thinking about the AP less.

I'm just wondering is this website only for those that are out with their affair, or is it for anyone dealing with infidelity?

Since you brought it up, I give you the first sentence of the Wayward Forum description.

A forum for all Former WS's who have ended or trying to end their affairs and are striving to reconcile.

The first step to reconciling is the BS's knowledge of the affair.

This is why we 'hard hitters' are so adamant you confess.

From experience confession as opposed to discovery gives the best chance of reconciliation.

Maybe this website is only for those that swing that way which is why I will probably seek guidance elsewhere in the future

Good luck with that. SI was the only site that I found where they didn't either praise people for being a cheater or flame WS's with extreme verbal abuse with no constructive criticism at all.

[This message edited by SlowUptake at 6:24 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

My therapist and I talk about "confessions" all the time. Are you confessing to make yourself feel better or are you confessing because you truly feel bad about the affair? Because one is just transferring some of the pain directly onto your spouse. The other is accepting consequences however they may fall.

My BS isn't going to divorce me over the affair but it would hurt him very deeply to hear about the sexual details of my A. We were in marriage counselling because of a sexless marriage. And he is less concerned about the physical details of the A and more concerned about my emotional attachment. The fact I love another person is more damaging to our marriage. The sex is just icing on the cake.

I get to live with the knowledge that I am a crappy person. My BS thinks I'm a crappy person as well but he also understands that I am a complicated person and while he is pissed off and hurt about the affair, he doesn't define me by the affair.

Anyway I'm not looking to get into a battle about this but just hoping that someone can try to view this from the other side a bit and realize that while everyone is in different situations and different stages of finding out etc. we are all looking for help and support.

I agree, everyone is in different stages. Change doesn't happen overnight and won't happen overnight. It takes time, you can't change the way you think and feel overnight.

At the end of the day these are just people's opinions, you don't have to agree with them or do what they say. Just take what you need and leave the rest.

Confessing because you feel guilty or are sorry for the A can be done with a priest. telling your spouse what you did simply allows them to make s choice. When you withhold information, you essentially are saying your BS is to stupid and you will make the choice for them. my WH cheated three times and never told me until after number three. Each time he would recommitt to the M. Each time our issues got worse because he never told me he was unhappy or hurt or struggling. He kept going back for his fix because he liked the validation. No harm no foul. I wondered what was happening. Thought about D, felt guilty and thought some of this was my fault.

That is where your BS is right now. Trying to please a person that just isn't that into them. They should be able to choose to have std tests, or choose a different path that will bring them happiness. They don't know how to fix their life because you are withholding a key piece of the puzzle.

and yes dammit, I'm still writing those damn emails in my head but now some of them are to some of you!! : )

It would be better if you could write those angry emails about yourself.

ETA: My post about self-respect had more to do with your original question and your thoughts about your yourself, your affair and AP.

I'm curious why did you consciously remove the stop sign from this thread before you posted?

[This message edited by DixieD at 8:30 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

BS here.

I feel that not confessing is highly immoral, because it prevents the BS from making a free choice about their life and their marriage. The WS who is harboring a secret of this type is allowing the BS to live with a lie they don't know they're living with, which is a way of infantilizing them. A WS who is keeping a secret is deliberately restricting a BS's free agency. Every human being has the right to make the choices that are appropriate for them about their relationship, and they can't possibly do that if they don't know what the true nature of their relationship really is. It's a way of controlling and manipulating someone else without their consent or knowledge, and it's WRONG.

And this behavior is almost always for the benefit of the WS, although many WS who engage in this type of unethical action find convoluted ways of justifying their continued deception so that it doesn't seem as selfish as it really is. I also strongly feel that any therapist who advises such a thing is immoral, incorrect, and should be fired. They are helping a WS buy short-term happiness at the long-term expense of another human being's autonomy.

[This message edited by TheGarden at 8:53 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Confused:

Dont leave because youvfeel people are harsh - I stayed away except for Pm a couple months for the same reason. Everyone is giving you an opinion and their experience. Some i dont agree with either but if there are some small things to take away or one ah ha moment it is worth it.

Also, you are here for help but you are also helping others. You have helped me and we are very similar in our stories!! I an sure there are more that could use the help if we both stick around.

Dont feel pushed to do anything. Everyone is different and it takes time to determine what you want to do! Do not do anything until you are more clear- as simeone mentioned, once something is said it can't be taken back. If you choose to confess do it when you are clear, if you do t thats fine to. Take some time to heal a bit and really think about things and make that decision! Sooner is not better if you are a mess! Not at all is ok too- that is where I am and things are getting better with time. this is your life- you control it! Good luck

[This message edited by pastthelies at 8:38 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

Last night WH and I had one of those up-until-2am conversations. One of the things he said to me was that if he had been able to talk to me about his feelings about X, he might never have had the affair. The point wasn't that he was afraid of me or my reaction -- he literally couldn't talk to me because the ideas weren't evern there in his mind -- he didn't realize how important his feelings were and was completely unable to articulate them. Instead of being open with me, he stuffed them (without even recognizing that he was doing so). It was this habit of stuffing feelings that led to the affair. Instead of being able to face up to his emotions and issues, he avoided them by having an affair. His big post-A revelation has been the extent to which not dealing with his issues has driven his behaviors. He now voices a lot of regret about that -- how he wishes he'd faced up to this earlier, because he's wasted so much time -- not to mention hurt me so profoundly.

We always had a great marriage. We've always been kind and affectionate with each other, and really have fun together. We always have things to chat about. But, I now see that during the A I was getting increasing frustrated with him. I felt he wasn't engaged. I felt that he was getting a bit reflexively selfish about somethings and I certainly wasn't feeling close to him. I started keeping things to myself, thinking that he wouldn't care and it wasn't important. I wrote this off as an inevitable response to objectively stressful circumstances -- two young kids, one of whom had significant special needs, a DH who was unemployed for two years and then got a job in another city, my own stressful work situation, my parents' health... and so on. Truth is, he WAS disengaged, he WAS being selfish. His need to justify what he was doing led to him blocking me out more and more. So though on the surface things were just fine, there was a lack of connection that had to do with him not being able to connect because of the A.

And the truth is, confused, that As are corrosive to marital intimacy -- I promise you that your BH has noticed that you're not as engaged. He's writing it off as stress at work, or something else. He's patiently waiting for you to turn back into the confused he fell in love with. Bottom line: you will never have the marriage you want without being open with him.

And you will never be able to do that until you figure out what led you to have an A, and share that journey with him. You may be thinking that my WH is uniquely fucked up. I mean -- a seven year affair? What kind of loser does that? You are writing an email to me about why you're different. (And wondering what the HELL Blobette is thinking, staying with an asshole like that.) But the vets here don't believe you. Not because we don't think that you believe what you're saying about how your situation is different -- we KNOW you do. The point is that it's that very denial that led to your A in the first place. That's why people are being so hard on you. The WSs on this thread all went through that same difficult journey, and it's one that you're going to have to go through in order to become an authentic person.

Incidentally, I think there are very few BSs on this site who wish they'd never found out. This is the kind of thing that you can never know until it happens to you -- sitting in a bar talking about what you'd do if that happens doesn't cut it.

Yes he should be part of the decision, part of me feels like I should just go on my own and leave and let him move on without knowing the truth. The truth will kill him and the outcome will probably be the same. I just don't know and am so confused :

I can speak from personal experience here. I mentioned this earlier in the thread. My wife left me and then divorced me without ever telling me what was going on.

I didn't know she had reconnected with an old HS boyfriend from 25 years ago on Facebook.

For the better part of a month I would go to work and sit in my best friend's office and cry. I blamed myself for everything. We had both let the marriage degrade, but lacking the rather critical information about the infidelity, I tore myself apart.

When she finally woke up, after the divorce, and wanted to reconcile she told me about the part I didn't know. This is just me, but that was a hell of a lot easier to take than the note on the bed and an empty closet. I finally started getting answers. I finally started to understand it wasn't just me.

This place is a place for folks that want to heal. I can tell you with all sincerity what I said before. You need to heal, he needs to heal and your marriage needs to heal. The only way that really happens is with tons and tons of work and honest dialogue. None of that can start until you take the step to put the truth out there.

In terms of the environment of this place, it is fairly varied. There are folks that swing two by fours and bonk people in the head in hopes of waking them up. There are folks that try to explain things somewhat less directly. Both folks are trying to help. Both methods have worked for folks that need help.

You're not unique. You're struggling with what to do as many, many folks in this community have before you. There is a collective wisdom on this board that is born out of experience. My advice is that you open yourself up to the thought that this is an incredible resource of folks that have gone through what you're dealing with and no matter how it feels, they really do want to help.

Good luck

[This message edited by WarpSpeed at 8:40 AM, January 12th (Sunday)]

To the BS's on this thread, Please remember that this is the Wayward Forum. The WS's posting here are not your WS. If you find this too triggery for you, please step back.

Confused, if I can ask, what exactly are you hoping to gain from these forums and the messages you read?

A public forum is a platform where everyone can comment, so when you post something, everyone is entitled to give their opinions.

That certainly doesn't mean you have to take that advice or listen to those opinions, but it's kind of crappy to post something and then expect only answers you want to hear. I'm curious to know, what exactly is the point for you being here? What are you looking to gain? Is it support, advice, hope, etc.?

Don't get me wrong - you are welcome in any case. We want to help. But perhaps if you don't want the 2x4s, or if you don't want advice, you should put in your comments that you are just here to vent.

That might save you the harshness of some people's opinions. And they are exactly that - OPINIONS. You don't have to take them, but you aren't really entitled to be upset over any of them.

You posted here, and we answered.

As Majortom87 said, "we're here now and we will be here when/if you confess, and we will be here when you start to heal yourself."

Good luck.

YOU have to be comfortable with your decision

See, here's the thing: you don't have to be comfortable with it. Who, on earth, would be "comfortable" revealing this aspect of him/herself?

It's not about comfort, at least not now.

I'd argue, though, that the only way to become comfortable--truly comfortable--with oneself and others is by being authentic.

this is your life- you control it!

This is absolutely true. You are in control of your own life and your choices. However you are in a partnership with your M. You owe it to your partner to let them have control over their own life and their choices. Until you tell them why the M is structurally unsound, your BS will never be able to make the choice to leave the building or try to fix it (because they simply have no idea where to start).

You are going to do what you feel is best. All I can offer is that I am glad I know the truth. Yes WH is a serial cheat who never fixed himself, yes you may feel sorry for me and wonder why I remain. But ultimately its my choice and I have my reasons. I'm lucky I know the facts. I am in control of my life. I feel bad for all of the BS who don't have control over their life, because they don't know any better. I hope your choice to keep the secret turns out better than my WH's choice keep his secret. He did more damage to himself by keeping the secret than he did to me by revealing it.

Good Luck to you.

To the BS's on this thread, Please remember that this is the Wayward Forum. The WS's posting here are not your WS. If you find this too triggery for you, please step back.

I have to agree. There are way too many posts by betrayed spouses who feel they have the one and only way that reconciliation can take place.

DanteJace,

That is what the stop signs on the posts are for. That is what the moderators are for. Plenty of betrayed spouses post on our threads and they do a lot of good.

If you don't want a Betrayed Spouse's opinion on your issues, then don't uncheck that stop sign, that's your right. However, I have received substantial guidance, support and wisdom from a goodly number of these people and am a better man for the fact that I shut up long enough to find value in what they were saying.

I have to agree. There are way too many posts by betrayed spouses who feel they have the one and only way that reconciliation can take place.

Dante...

Please leave the moderating to us Moderators. We've been doing this a long time now

Maybe people like me are not welcome here. Guess what, most of you were caught or had spouses that you caught so you sought out help and ended up here. THose of us that haven't been caught came here on our own. ON OUR OWN! because we want to do better, be better. Not because we were caught and now have to.

As long as you are committed to healing yourself I would say that you are welcome here. At this I don't even think this about your bs anymore, I would say that telling the truth would be a major part of healing yourself, leading towards an authentic life, being true to yourself, an most of all loving yourself. In my case, I confessed, both times, however I discovered my wife's affair, and let me tell you, finding that out on my own was absolutely soul killing, would it have been any different or less painful if she has told me under her own power? I can't tell you for certain, but the part where she would have been honest with me would have been more respectable, and it would have show that she did care for me.

But really the point of my post, confused, is say that you will find if you dont disclose this, it will eat away at you, as it did me, an you will never ever be able to have the best relationship with bs because you will always be hiding something, you will never be truly devoted to your bs because you will always be fighting to hide this from them.

I wish much luck on journey and I hope that you find the peace that you are seeking. If you fix you, everything else will follow.

Good luck!!

[This message edited by Stillkicking at 2:53 PM, January 12th (Sunday)]

I'm chiming in now because it was really hard for my WSO to see that he was actually controlling me by not telling me he was having an A. We had even been in therapy for a year and I never got the confession. The therapist knew and did not reveal either, even though she wanted him to.

Confused, is there a possibility that you think your BH or M has controlled you or kept you from being happy? My WSO thought I was controlling and it became one of his justifications. OW validated this to him and said "you deserve to be happy."

He thought "we" would be over if he confessed. He wasn't sure what or who he wanted or even if he wanted any relationship. It took him 4 1/2 years to confess. When he told me, I was SO THANKFUL for the truth. I very calmly thanked him, and believe it or not, wanted him to thank OW (I knew her) for giving me an answer. He has claimed from D-D that he was terribly confused about "us".

I REALLY needed to know way before he ever finally got the nerve to tell me. This may sound callous, but I don't think he saw any big hurry because he never considered that he was the one controlling me and my life. This whole terrible chapter in our life could have been dealt with 1 year into his A had he confessed then. Plus, if he did not want me, I still would have wanted that confession then. Others knew and did not tell me. Not sure if that is the case with you - that is extremely painful as well. I guess I can't think of any good reason why I would not have wanted the truth from him. Living without it was hell for me.

Your BH may become physically ill because his mind and spirit are in chaos. I did. Do you think the compassionate thing to do would be to give him some peace through truth.

Sure, there is no way of knowing what the truth may bring. You really did not know what your A would bring either.

I think you are on the fence, big time, not just about whether to confess, but mostly if you really want your BH/M. Wanting your BH took a huge hit by your A. It's hard to imagine or believe your M can satisfy your needs. If the OM is in your mind, thoughts, or in any contact with you, don't expect that to change. And that's your dilemma. I believe you are weighing your options still because the thought of losing "Affair Confused" seems worse than giving your BH what he deserves. I think you're indecisive because your feelings and emotions are in turmoil.

Thanks everyone for your posts and input. Just to clear up some things: I was only planning on leaving if this truly was not the place for someone like me but it sounds like I'm ok to be here. I honestly didn't know.

Also I am not seeking out people that will only pat my back and tell me I'm doing it all right. I know I'm not and I value the wisdom of those that have been in my shoes. I also value the wisdom of those on the other side, the BSs, because I can only guess at that side of things.

I think mostly the feedback has been very constructive. I know I'm not going to agree with everyone or like their method, my point was just to be careful I guess because sometimes people come on so strong that it does scare people away from posting. People like myself are the minority here posting, doesn't mean there aren't a ton of lurkers like me. So maybe feel out the situation before you come on so strong. Or when someone does speak up like Dante don't automatically throw stones their way. We have all been messed up by affairs in one way or another and one method is not best for all. It would be interesting to see how many posters with less than 10 posts never came back because they were hit too hard. Anyway I know people respond to different methods so it is just nice to have a variety to pick from but it's often hard for the ones with the softer approach to speak up because the hard hitters can come across as bullies. I 'm a straight shooter myself so I can appreciate the cut to the chase, but just know when it's necessary and when it's not in my opinion.

This thread has gone off topic that's for sure, but it's great because it is actually information that I have been seeking about whether it is better to tell or not.

Thank you all again for taking the time to respond. These are only my opinions and mine alone, and they change often because I am changing or working on changing : )