SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

letmeout's post is dead on. Read it about 50 times.

Your OM is all that and a bag of chips. Your husband is your back-up plan.

Own your actions. Put on the big girl panties. Make a choice and stick with it.

And btw, I am one who walked up to my husband on a random Sunday night and said, "I have something to tell you. I've been having an affair.". He had the right to know I was cheating. I totally could have gotten away with it. He barely knows how to turn on a laptop and send a basic email. My AP was a computer geek on crack. He walked me thru the processes to cover ever track I made.

Totally could have just stopped the A, covered it up, and continued on my merry little way. Could have totally "spared my husband the pain". But he had a right to know who was sleeping alongside him at night. He had a right to know what the mother of his children was up to. He had a right to know that his wife had broken her wedding vows to him. He had a right to make a choice about his life.

I see alot of WS come here, not hear what they want to hear, and start the whole, "But, but, but....I'm in the foooogggggg!" stuff. No. You're not. You know the difference between right and wrong. Don't make excuses for your inaction.

FOr the record, I don't feel any of you have attacked me in this post in anyway that bothered me. When I first posted on SI or have read others first posts with their stories I have felt that way.

We as waywards know we've done a lot of lying and want to fix it which is why we come here. I want your honesty, what I'm trying to say is that as a wayward just be careful because we are hurting badly enough to come here and saying things that are very hurtful can send some running. I'm not one of them but there have been some posts where I think have gone too far.

I would imagine the opposite to be true also. If I found my husband cheating and posted here about it and the first thing people said was to get that lying scumbag out of my house and life asap and move on it would be hard to read. You need support and truth yes, but there is a way to do it in my opinion without sending the distressed person into a deeper darker place than they already are.

We all *know* what we should do, doing it is the obstacle.

I do appreciate the responses though, really I do. and most all of it is true what you've written about me and how unfair it is to my husband.

BS here. I'm in-between. From my perspective, it's imperative for your spouse to know the truth--sooner rather than later. I also believe that you need to do it for you, too. But I can see that a week or a month--a short period of time--spent trying to get your own ducks in a row before confessing might be positive. You could read some of the books recommended here (After the Affair, Not Just Friends, How to Help Your Spouse Heal, etc.), you could start treating your spouse like you DO love him and like you should have been treating him for years, you could continue posting here for advice, you could start IC. Believe me, if my SAWH had confessed after implementing some of these steps, I'd have appreciated it. It'd have shown me that he WAS remorseful, that he DID know his actions had been horrible, that he KNEW he was broken and needed to fix himself, that he WASN'T going to blame me for the A, etc. Even if your M doesn't make it, I think taking these actions might be comforting. Either way, they don't hurt either of you. You get to start changing yourself so that you don't ever make these same mistakes again (with your current or next husband) and he gets to feel like he was important enough for you to try to change yourself without his forcing you to change. Just a thought.

Just my opinion, but I don't think you want to be in your marriage anymore at all.

You just willfully admitted that the only reason you are trying to salvage it is because it's the "backup plan".

My recommendation (not that it's important) would be confess and file for D.

This will come out eventually, one way or another, but is this the impression you want your kids to have of what live is or can be? Telling the truth still teaches them a valuable lesson such as "sometimes two people are just brough together to bring a few perfect peoe into this world" or "sometimes you really can fall out of love, but that really can end up OK."

Ending it now spares your husband and kids more hurt than necessary, and allows him especially more time to heal and find someone new.

In any case, your posts just don't seem to indicate any genuine interest in a healthy marriage with your husband.

He deserves to know that, IMO.

(((Confused)))

A question for the Betrayed out there: Do you want to know the whole truth, to read the emails and messages, to see the pictures, to know everything? If I confess I almost want to tell him everything but not have him read it all. It's very explicit and I think would do more damage than what he would imagine. Would knowing how much sex we had make it worse, or that it was in your own home? I am trying to find a path to start on with what to tell. I know I'll let him lead but want to be prepared so that it doesnt all trickle out later. AP and I took 2 vacations together without my husband knowing. I just think him knowing all this will make it so he can never ever forgive me. I see the pain that an EA can cause alone but you take the EA and PA and wham it's a lot of stuff to absorb.

I have the ability to delete the messages now before I have to show him but I'm hanging on to them because I'm not ready to move on 100%.

A question for the Waywards....did you hold onto cards, emails, gifts etc from the AP? when were you able to delete it all and move on? Does it matter how things ended I wonder? I didnt have a bad ending with AP so that is why I think I still like to hang onto these memories. I'm hoping in time I will be able to gladly delete them.

Just my opinion, but I don't think you want to be in your marriage anymore at all.

You just willfully admitted that the only reason you are trying to salvage it is because it's the "backup plan".

Not true, I'm just being honest though with my thoughts and feelings. At some point all affairs feel so wonderful you fantasize about a life with that person and how that would be. At that point the spouse does almost become the back up plan. I know in my head that my husband is the better person for me and because I'm still in fantasyland my heart is not on the same page. I do love my husband greatly, it's not for lack of love, it's just that after I've experienced something that feels so wonderful, while deceitful I know, it's hard to know how true that love for my husband is.

When I started teh affair I told my AP that my marriage was actually very good, probably the envy of many. I believed that because for the most part we really do get along, have common goals, compatible etc. The thing was I couldn't put my finger on what was missing until I started to dig deeper. What was missing was the passion I wanted to feel and I sought it out elsewhere. I still love my husband but am trying to figure out how to feel teh attraction and connection with him again is tough. It's why I'm still in the fog, I can't see how it's all the other stuff that is just as important, right now I just want it all and that is not possible with either partner. Selfish yes, I've never said I wasn't selfish. I'm just trying to sort out all my issues and start working on fixing them.

I have been in IC for a couple of months now. I started because I knew the affair was tearing me up inside because of the double lives. I have read a few books and alot online. I think my research has been better for me than my therapist. My husband just thinks I'm in therapy because I'm not happy with my life right now. Which is true!!

RippedSoul, that is where my head is right now. Exactly what you wrote. I want to be able to take advantage of the planning time to execute this horrible news the best I can for all.

Truthfully, I think it's really up to him how much detail he wants to hear. I had that question of my BS too.

If you do confess, it should probably start high level. I've been having an ongoing affair for xx years. That conversation could and will likely go in lots of different directions as he internalizes it.

Regarding messages, pics, etc., everything I had was gone instantly where possible. I would keep it in case your H wants it, but not offer it up freely in the beginning. Once that's done, NC, if you and your H want to try and work on things.

I feel for you, and I know it's hard. I faced many obstacles and questions in my own confessional as well, including "losing my family", but now I am slowly realizing that even THAT is about me, when it should be about my wife and kids and what they'll go through. You need to set YOU aside and focus on your H and family.

Are you prepared for that? IF you do decide to confess, it should be sometime when your kids are not around so you and your H can talk, yell, curse, etc.

Then decide how you want to tell your kids TOGETHER, because they are going to have tough times ahead too. They will need both their mom and dad to get them through this successfully.

I wish you the best, and although you're dealing with harsh truths from us right now, we're here for you.

Confused,

We somewhat cross posted, but I appreciate your candor.

I really do hope whatever. Path you choose it ends well for your family.

Hugs and strength.

Dear Confused: From what I am reading from you, there are some good things that you are doing and trying to do. I too believe that you ought to confess sooner than later. I think that the longer you wait, the greater the damage and the longer the healing process. However, I'd like to say to you that I believe you are to be commended for a commitment to leave this insidious relationship behind. However, I fear that under the circumstances, you are not only doing damage to your marriage, but are also leaving the door open to a rekindling of the affair. I think that you want to do the right thing but Confused, the world is full of people who want to do the right thing, but who have no real plan on what to do or how to do it.

I say again, I admire your desire to do what's right. What these folks are telling you is correct, and I feel compelled to lend my support to their advice, while again telling you that you are not hated or the subject of contempt. Your decision to leave this behind puts you far ahead of many other waywards. Now it's time to go all in and do what is right. Just my two cents worth

Raven

I can see two potential scenarios in your betrayed husband's future.

1) You confess, he comes to SI looking for advice. BSs tell him that it sounds like his WW is still in the fog, but may be on the path to being remorseful. It is too early to tell if R is possible. They give him advice on how to make himself whole again.

2) He finds out on his own. He comes to SI and is told to promptly see a lawyer.

What was missing was the passion I wanted to feel and I sought it out elsewhere.

Read up on "hysterical bonding" then. There's no guarantee you and your husband will experience this, but many do after an affair is exposed and the initial shock passes. I've never had an affair, but have experienced the HB after my wife's affair came to light. If passion is what you're after, HB is hard to beat. I don't see how affair passion could possibly top HB. And the best part - its honest passion that isn't afraid of the light of day. IMO, it's one of the great drivers of R. YMMV.

Do you want to know the whole truth, to read the emails and messages, to see the pictures, to know everything?

I would want a heartfelt confession that included the basics - the nature and length of the affair. Then I would have wanted my wife to offer to answer any questions that I have honestly, without hiding or destroying evidence. Don't hold anything back - you'd be amazed at what manages to come out over time. Also, never forget that your husband has been with you for years and knows what you will or won't do in bed, so its best to answer questions truthfully right off the bat. Let him know in general terms that you have evidence that he might find to be extremely painful, and ask him what he wants you to do with it. Everyone is different, so if you go this route let your husband decide how much or how little info he needs to process this.

It won't be easy, but we're pulling for you.

Edited for clarity.

[This message edited by Sal1995 at 5:57 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

confused,

Have you ever seen Your BH sad? Have you ever seen him in pain? Have you ever seen him Cry? Imagine your husband's crying sad, pained face every time you Pine and long for the om. Imagine he can see your thoughts about om and his sad, pained face is the result of your pleasured thoughts of the om. Imagine he knows all the lies and all the sex you had with om at his expense and his naivete

Have you ever seen him Sad?

Have you ever seen him Cry?

Does his feelings mean more to you than your swooning for an unavailable man? I can tell you at this point, they do not.. You love yourself more. You love the feeling you had with om more and there is no way at this point that you can refute that.

You feel what you feel and it is hard to control that. Hard, but not Impossible. You have to want to. You have to want to let go of your affair. You maybe physically out of the affair but boy is it alive and well in your mind.

You keep it alive with fantasy But have you ever seen your husband cry, hurt and in pain?

Fantasize about that because that is your reality

[This message edited by floridaredman at 6:11 PM, January 9th (Thursday)]

Confused, I will answer your BS questions. As far as reading/knowing all of the details, every BS is different. I would prefer to have read everything and been told every little detail, because wondering what happened is horrible for me. I think my mind movies are probably worse than the actual truth. However, there are many BS here who don't want all of the gory details. If you do choose to confess, you will need to let your BH help decide how much information he wants. I also feel that details show your BS that you aren't keeping any secrets any longer, and will help to build trust.

If you want to keep your marriage, you will also need to get rid of everything the AP has ever given you - it isn't fair to the marriage to keep souvenirs of the A. I think that you need to be sure that you are done with the AP as well, as you can't ask your BS to R if you think you still may want to be with the AP.

You said it yourself, but I wanted to reiterate, if you do tell him be prepared to tell everything. Trickle truth is what causes problems, IMO, even more problems than the A itself.

Good luck, Confused - you have made a good first step in coming to SI.

Confused,

From this BS's perspective, I want more details than I've been given, yet I'm not sure they'd be good for me in the long run. By that I mean that reading his e-mails to her is something I'm obsessed about. Yet, hopefully, they've all been deleted. I'm not a very visual person so am not plagued by "mind movies." But if I were to read his "truths" to her in an e-mail, I don't think I'd ever be able to forget it. The words would be seared into my soul. It's bad enough for me to know that he told her unkind things about me, that she knew every fault I have (or had in his mind then--some aren't real), and that he wrote sweet nothings to her.

That said, if you've desecrated (sorry, harsh word) the home by having your AP there, you simply must tell. I'd need--if I chose to stay with my WH--to have it decontaminated. No kidding. And if I ever found out, even years later, that it had happened and my WH hadn't been honest about it, I'd be done.

We're all different, though. Each one of us. The best, most general advice I can give is to keep enough to give him some truth. Could you show him the first e-mail? Or the last? Or something representative of the "worst" you said about him or the "most explicit" you wrote about your intimacy with the OM? If your e-mails are less illuminating than your BS might fear, then showing him might help. If they are beyond bad, then the details might be a breaking point.

And (other than some sample e-mails if you choose that route), truthfully, get RID of it. Throw it all away. It's toxic. It's poison for your BS and it's poison for you. My SAWH has SO, SO, SO, SO many issues. The worst, for me, is knowing that he still grieves the loss of his AP--more than one year out. So anything that keeps you tied to OM has to go. Burn it. Shred it. Flush it. Let go. Again, no matter where your M goes, if OM is gone, then good riddance. Help yourself out by letting go. In truth, that damaging episode of your life warrants no mementos.

I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever bashed my husband to my AP. There was no reason to, my husband is a very giving good man. He made it all too easy for me to get away with this and I feel horrible for that. He was happy I was getting out with friends more often and biking and hiking more. He never grilled me about who, what, where etc. and besides that there just isn't anything bad to say about it him so no need to paint him in a bad light to AP when there was none. AP never really painted his wife too badly. Just they had grown apart and were basically in a sexless roommate relationship. They both checked out prior to me meeting him.

However there is a lot of sexual details in our emails that would turn anyones face red. Because we did not have a regular place to be together we often took to what was available, having sex in parks, public places, in the woods, elevators, in our cars, in each others homes etc. That is the part that will be hard to take. And it wasn't just a few times, so if my husband said was it only a few times I'd have to say no, more than a hundred times over the relationship. Just the deception in the emails is so hard to overcome. Me sending an email saying "ok, he just left come over" that is hard to take. And if he questions where we had sex in the house he'll never want to live here. For me it was just a place, not a sacred spot. At first I said I'll never have sex in my house but soon I changed my mind, never forced, it was my decision. It was just a bed, shower etc. not anything that I felt a strong connection to or at least that's how I told my inner self at the time. just furniture is all.

If he comes to SI and finds me then it's another problem. I read the 180 and fear he'll do that to me. Not that I don't deserve that but that is the kind of stuff that drives me crazy. That is what the AP started to do to me it felt like.

Oh and my husband was cheated on before and was devastated. It was before me met and it broke up his first marriage. He was young and they were only married for a couple of years. So that makes it even worse what I've done. On one level I feel like he knows something is up and just doesnt want to know, in another I think he just trusts me so completely that he wipes those thoughts out.

I've never seen him really break down I dont think. Now me on the other hand, when don't I break down : ) When I talked to him about a year ago about not being happy with where our marriage was at and wanting to be more sexual I could see he was worried. Part of my message to him was that I had thought about looking outside our marriage but hadn't. He was very concerned about that part and I assured him I hadnt, which was true. Sadly the desire was too strong for me and I found an AP. I wish my desire to not hurt him was stronger but it wasnt and I selfishly went forward with AP.

In response to your question for BS's, you are right to let your husband lead, but have ALL the information available to him. If you delete things without him ever having the option to see it, you look like you're still hiding things. He may not want those details, but he should have the opportunity to decide that for himself. I read pages and pages of my H's yahoo chat logs with three of his OW. When he answered questions about his involvement with them, I KNEW if he was being honest or not because I saw it all. The texts and other deleted messages that he lied to me about repeatedly before always make me question. I did not want all the details the first day. I couldn't have stood that. But I did want everything eventually and I'm glad my H didn't delete those logs before OW5 outed him to me. I still tell him sometimes that the thought of those women having any secrets with him makes me sick. I, as his wife, am the only person who should share secrets with him and he has worked hard to be sure all the secrets he had with them he has shared with me. That would have been a much easier process if he hadn't deleted tens of thousands of text messages.

I feel so sorry for your husband

I feel so sorry for your husband

Yes I know, so does everyone else including me. But at least I am trying to get help and lessen the blow when and if it comes out.