SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

LovetoLoveHer

What you need to do is start showing some love to yourself.

Your wife has some very serious issues.

She also put your health at serious risk as well as her own.

I would do the following if I were you.

-Go dark on her.

-Inform the OM's wife in person one time. Only offer evidence if she wants it or she can contact you at a later time.

-Inform her parents why you are divorcing. Stress to them that she has engaged in very risky behavior and that you feel she needs their help & support before she ends up with AIDS or meets up with the wrong person.

-Go see an attorney and have your marriage annulled. If you cant get an annullment then file for Divorce. Have her served at work.

Then do yourself a favor. Forget about her. Stop telling yourself how much you love her when she obviously does not love you.

Then stick with therapy. Get your head in a better place. Talk openly with your family. Then go find a real woman who has no baggage like your wife does.

Your wife needs to grow up and deal with her issues. Right now she is running away from you and herself.

You cannot help her at all. Nor does she deserve your help at all.

HM

send the OMW a copy of the video. She deserves to know what her H has been up to. If you feel the need to justify that to your WW, you can easily justify doing it by saying that the OMW deserves to know the extent of his betrayal.

then don't worry with what she does with it. It's up to her.

if you're the only one holding the video, then you have to worry about whatever happens to it. Let her have it. It's only fair.

then this guy won't be able to say you're crazy and have done this to other people.

and really, he's the moron that sent it to a complete stranger. he should be punished just for being stupid.

on top of that, he did it to YOUR wife. He demeaned YOUR wife. he didn't demean his own. they both should pay heavily IMO.

Yeah, I have really been struggling with whether I should give her the video or not. I think she should have it, and use it in her own divorce. But I have a natural instinct to protect my wife that hasn't died yet.

I will say, I will probably give it to her, that is where I am leaning. I just really, really want everyone to heal and grow from this. My goal isn't to hurt anyone. There's enough hurt going around.

I just want everyone to evolve. My vindictive side wants to blow everything up. But my sensible side just wants everyone to change, and learn to live a better life. It doesn't have to be with me, but everyone should learn carnal passions doesn't mean you act on them. Humans are the pinnacle of evolution right? We should rise above right? The wanting, is always more exciting than the reality of having.

It's possible I will send it to her, to help this other wife protect herself. But I am holding back at this point to make sure all the moves I make are for noble causes, not revenge.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 9:32 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

Please remember the reason you have the video is that OM shared it. That probably wasn't the first time he did so either. Better she finds out from you, a more compassionate source, than stumble across it later when she does more investigating on her own.

Please remember the reason you have the video is that OM shared it. That probably wasn't the first time he did so either.

This is a long thread, but yes. It wasn't the first time this happened to her family. She told me yesterday how much she has found over the years. He's shot videos with himself with multiple women. They were in counseling currently because she had found videos of him with other women.

But her response was essentially, oh wow....He's an amazing liar. He went to counseling constantly with her, but didn't even try to change behavior. He's a sick man.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 10:06 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

If she's experienced this before then it is really just more current evidence for her. I don't see any reason to withhold it from her.

I agree. She should have it all. I have given her enough evidence to prove she was screwed over and cheated on again.

I am just trying my best to exercise restraint. My first reaction for the first 10 days was to make everything public. I am seeing things with much clearer eyes. Knowledge is enough power. In this day and age, physical evidence can ruin people for life. While I have a lot of hate for the disregard of my dignity, I am doing my best not to stoop to that level.

Again, not saying I won't. I just want to make sure I share info for the right reasons, not pure revenge.

Thank you so much for the support. I refresh this forum every 30 minutes since my personal D-Day.

I chatted with the OM's wife for a while last night. This is what she said when telling me about confronting him.

Oh I do believe all of this, I just wish it weren't true. When I confronted <his name> on the phone he was at work and immediately denied it With the convenient excuse that you are crazy. He said I could ask her since she was "right there" and after a minute of silence, she got on the phone (well a woman anyway since I don't know her voice), saying that you were "all over the place" and had gone to her family. That's it then silence so I asked her to put <his name> back on.

I have definitely been all over the place. Haven't had any contact with her since Sunday though. I don't know what she meant by going to her family. I texted her mom over a week ago saying I am so sorry that we are going through these troubles. I love her daughter very much, and I just want to help her. But I didn't even come close to revealing any details.

While it sounds like she was cornered, and had to act quickly and respond, it's another punch to the gut that she would get on the phone and defend him.

[This message edited by lovetoloveher at 10:33 AM, January 16th (Thursday)]

Just play it close the vest. Your WW and the OM do not need to know you two are in communication. I know that is only logical but logic can get tossed out of the window in these situations.

friend, when are you going to wake up?

your WW defended him and agreed you were crazy. send the dvd. don't talk to her. if she calls you, the only thing you should talk about is, "so you said I was crazy when I exposed the affair? I guess I'll just have to prove I'm not."

Your marriage is over. You need to come to grips with that. She's not just fucked up. She doesn't love you, respect you, like you. I'm sorry to say that.

But you need to come to grips with it. A woman that loves you won't do what she did because she's "in the fog." that's bullshit.

And.... she correctly determined that you would never get over this. You won't.

Right now you are in shock at the betrayal and loss of someone you love. No one wants to lose someone they love. this is even worse than if she got killed in a car accident. If she got killed, you would lose her, but you wouldn't have been betrayed.

Trust me, she has no concern for you, despite what she might say. You're a nothing. You need to respond in kind.

When you come out of shock, you're going to be really angry.

No, I get it. I am feeling a little better after the therapy I am getting. I still love her, but working hard to let her go. Especially after the phone call.

I did message her today as an FYI, to let her know that I had spoken to his wife, and was very happy I had found her. After digging, she found he had been doing this for a while, and found videos with other women. And as my last msg, I told her I was disappointed she stuck up for him. Her reply was:

I didn't "stick up" for him

I was pulled out of a meeting and handed a phone.

literally

I really didn't say anything, except I had my own issues with my husband

all she said to me was that you sent her a timeline

And she asked me if I had her contact info. My reply was "yes, I have a way of contacting her. Going to lunch."

Not sure if she wants to call and apologize, or if she wants to find out what this lady knows. But she's not getting that info for me.

She's probably going to let OM know that you are in contact with his BW.

I have to ask why did you tell her that?

They knew we were in contact. His wife told both of them on the phone, that I had sent her a timeline of their activities.

They knew for a fact we had spoken without me saying anything. The actual reason I wanted her to know what I know, is because I wanted her to know that there were multiple videos of him sleeping with other women. She wasn't special to him at all.

Why I wanted her to know that? Pity? Revenge? Satisfaction? Mixture of all of that?

Love, that's why you did it. You still love her, or at least what you thought was "her". It's very, very hard to come to terms with the fact that someone you loved so much could care so little. Don't worry, you'll get there.

As for the dvd, ask the guy's wife if she wants a copy. If she does, give it to her. If she doesn't don't. It's as simple as that. Don't agonize over it.

Peace to you, Brother.

Does your WW know she's just another notch on his belt?

I doubt it.

As for contacting his BW, you did the right thing. She has to know what's happening in her marriage so that she can do what's right for her.

[This message edited by toomanyregrets at 3:18 PM, January 17th (Friday)]

but everyone should learn carnal passions doesn't mean you act on them. Humans are the pinnacle of evolution right? We should rise above right? The wanting, is always more exciting than the reality of having.

Unfortunately, in this type of situation the same thing can be said about love. Even if you feel love for someone, you don't need to act on it if they have attempted to destroy your life.

I sent the other man's wife everything that was on the DVD except the video. I would like to talk to a lawyer first if there are any legal complications for me. Plus, it's not in me to humiliate anyone. The other wife got all the information she needs to make the decision that's best for her.

And yes, she does know she's just another notch. I know her well enough to know based on our limited chat we had today when she reached out to me. She's at the lowest point in her life right now. She knows about the other videos.

They knew we were in contact. His wife told both of them on the phone, that I had sent her a timeline of their activities.

Ah...I didn't realize that. Well I think it would have been a good idea if the BW had given you that advance warning (assuming she didn't).

Yeah, she told me minutes after she had talked to him on the phone, She didn't tell me until the next night that she had also spoken with my wife.

I didn't "stick up" for him

I was pulled out of a meeting and handed a phone.

literally

I really didn't say anything, except I had my own issues with my husband

all she said to me was that you sent her a timeline

don't believe that. The OMW is telling the truth. Your wife continues to spin shit at you. You should know by now who she is.