SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

One of the best things I've ever read addressed to us BHs (But really, all BSs) is that our main struggle in this whole thing is to fight the internal war to a standstill... That's the victory in this all... To not let all this mess turn us into someone we'd have disliked before the trauma.

One of the best things I've ever read addressed to us BHs (But really, all BSs) is that our main struggle in this whole thing is to fight the internal war to a standstill... That's the victory in this all... To not let all this mess turn us into someone we'd have disliked before the trauma.

The fight against cognitive dissonance

Good explanation:

http://drbochner.com/articles_for_individuals/low_self-esteem_and_its_connection_to_cognitive_dissonance

[This message edited by still-living at 8:47 PM, January 14th (Tuesday)]

Still-living...really enjoy your perspective. Some strong similarities...but you nibble at the edges of my thoughts and make me ponder them a bit more.

I tried several times to respond to some new thoughts you awoke in me concerning intentional living....but just cant make them make sense.

Truthfully, I barely had the thought that started this post composed enough to make enough sense to start a conversation with.....just cant seem to find enough sense to finish this conversation.

You have developed a knack for keeping me humble....and I appreciate that.

I really dig the many responses.....thanks!

Face-punched....I like your thinking too. From the beginning I did not want to let this experience transform me into the jaded man it has the potential of doing if I choose to let it!

I do this mostly for me...but I also have 2 young daughters who are learning things just by watching me.

It is a responsibility I take serious and am praying for courage every day to rise above what fear would have me stay in.

Peace be with us all.

I think individual perspective on this has to do in part with where we are in the R process...soon after dday, I truly did not have control over my responses...anger outburst, anxiety attacks, paralyzing sadness, HB and god forbid pleading with WH. This is a traumatic experience. Over time, we heal, we learn and we turn our energy to our own healing. We start to redefine who we are and what our life will be going forward. After 4+ years of this, I regret a lot of my initial response, but at the time was not thinking clearly enough to do different.

stunned...you WILL figure this out...it takes time and you will come out knowing who you are like never before.

A quote comes to mind about choices...

"God grant me the serenity to accept those I can't change, the courage to change the one I can and the wisdom to know that person is me."

can't remember where I saw it, but is stuck in my head

Good point crossroads2010!

What we are, in part, discussing is how we FEEL about ourselves after we make a choice. Feelings can and do change....including those we have concerning ourselves .

I felt bad about myself upon my DD. I agree, the initial trauma is more than a single person can handle on their own..

Kicker is......I didn't know that at the time . Pride, shock, FOO, lies from my wife, etc all played into this. I can see now how I choose poorly back then....but I think it a super human effort to react as I would NOW, back then. But I did choose to act, and act in a way that caused me more pain.

However, I don't believe in coincidences....so my path has been and will be what it is. I hope to be better prepared for what lies ahead. And while I am not foolish enough to think I can prepare for ALL that life has in store for me, I know that my choices on how I will respond to adultery will be different and healthier should my wife choose similarly in the future.

....and that is one of the reasons I like SI. People like you, karmahappens, bionicgal, Sisoon, rebreather, even the "stubborn bitch" that is sistermilkshake (her definition of herself, not mine) have all been further down this trail than I am.....

It helps a considerable amount. I am more willing to be open to what they say now than I was then. I really did think what I was experiencing was unique....never thought what "old timers" on here said would really be a part of my journey. Turned out I was wrong.

It really is healthy and beneficial to remain humble....pride gets in the way of growth.

God be with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 8:11 AM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

you nibble at the edges of my thoughts and make me ponder them a bit more.

Blake, this is my intent. Please use my input to either season your thoughts or otherwise help you with pulling the reins. Your beliefs are your own. We find our own path.