SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Wow... so many similarities here. Thanks for your input and empathy.

After my last EA, I had come to the point where I was going to put more time and energy and interest into our marriage rather than finding ways to escape to another relationship. I was sort of "scared straight", as the AP's husband found out and was planning to contact my wife. The AP erased all my contact info on their computer to protect me, but the reality of that situation hit me pretty hard. Hard enough that I stayed A-free for about 4-5 years. And I did invest more into my marriage.

It was only in this past year that the wife and I have been able to talk about the sexual/emotional issues. I had grown very bitter over the course of 20 years. It was a process, but I was able to forgive her for her part in all of this. Once I did that, the bitterness went away. It doesn't address the ongoing emotional needs, but at least I don't have a chip on my shoulder anymore.

Smez - The sexless marriage thread I saw that surprised me was not from you. It was on the General page and there is a thread by bravenewgirl titled Was anyone actually in a sexless marriage.

I think a lot of BS believe their cheating spouse lied to the AP about being in a sexless marriage saying the AP was not so bright to believe it.

According to that thread a lot actually were in sexless marriages. If that is the case they had to know something was wrong - a sexless marriage would not make most people happy.

If there are no medical issues and one person wants sex and the other shoots them down all the time, there is bound to be an issue and eventually an A. Most men I have spoken with have said that if you don't get it long enough at home they would eventually go somewhere else. Most men are visual and need sex to show closeness and love. Some women do too but women's love is more about feelings and the sex strengthens the love. Men want sex to feel more in love and connected.

I do believe having an A is wrong but I also believe a sexless marriage is wrong - unless both parties agree to it or there is a reason.

TemptedOne - You really need to have a discussion and let your W know you are unhappy with how things are. Explain that you don't feel, loved and desired and all the things you said here. If nothing changes can you really see yourself living there forever like this? You only get one life, who wants it to be unhappy. She may need to get over her thinking that everything is dirty and she may need help to do that. I wish you luck!

You really need to have a discussion and let your W know you are unhappy with how things are. Explain that you don't feel, loved and desired and all the things you said here. If nothing changes can you really see yourself living there forever like this? You only get one life, who wants it to be unhappy. She may need to get over her thinking that everything is dirty and she may need help to do that. I wish you luck!

Those discussions have certainly happened. Up until this year I had no hope that things could ever improve. This year, I have a glimmer of hope. Not a lot, but a glimmer. And so, I will gently address the issues again. It's certainly worth another try if things did improve.

Can I see myself living forever like this? Well, It's been over 20 years so far. I have to say, I would like the next 20 to be different. The 20 after that... probably not that important.

On things being "dirty"... it'll have to be me encouraging her to look at things differently, as she is unwilling to talk to anyone else about this.

[This message edited by TemptedOne at 3:00 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

I see you putting so much of this on your wife and taking none of the responsibility for your affairs. You say 90% is good, that you are emotionally connected in so many ways other than the sexual intimacy, yet you are still searching elsewhere for some kind of emotional intimacy. If the As aren't physical, what are you getting from them?

That's where I think you have to look within. You are seeking something, trying to fill the void. Maybe the void doesn't need to be filled by external things/people, maybe you need to figure out why or what you are searching for.

I'd like to add that most of the time a BS knows..she knows something is off. You've been cheating for a lot of your marriage. Maybe this lack of connection from her is because something in her gut is telling her it's not safe.

I see you putting so much of this on your wife and taking none of the responsibility for your affairs.

I can see how you might read it that way. Maybe I incorrectly assumed that posting in the WS section was already me pointing a finger at myself. I can assure you, I am aware of my part in this. Most guys would have left the relationship by now. I don't know if I get credit for this or should be called a fool. But I did what I thought was right, because I believed there was more at stake than my happiness in this issue.

You say 90% is good, that you are emotionally connected in so many ways other than the sexual intimacy, yet you are still searching elsewhere for some kind of emotional intimacy. If the As aren't physical, what are you getting from them?

We have an emotional connection, sure. We care about each other. We are great friends. I'm not sure I can explain the emotional void that smez and I are talking about to your satisfaction.

What do I get from EAs that I don't get from home?

Great question, actually. And I had to think about that a bit. Someone who listens as if what I say is actually important. Someone who empathizes. Someone who expresses love. Someone who encourages. I know there is more, but that's my quick list.

That's where I think you have to look within. You are seeking something, trying to fill the void. Maybe the void doesn't need to be filled by external things/people, maybe you need to figure out why or what you are searching for.

Maybe some of those things mentioned above would qualify.

I'd like to add that most of the time a BS knows..she knows something is off. You've been cheating for a lot of your marriage. Maybe this lack of connection from her is because something in her gut is telling her it's not safe.

I can tell you there still is connection... it's just "different". She curled up on the couch with me this morning to cuddle as we drank coffee before heading off to work. And she loves that. She's happy to leave the connection at that level. And I'm glad she's happy. It just isn't the ideal scenario for me.

Are you still in contact with OW(s)?

Just the current one. None of the previous.

Are you planning to end the A with OW?

There's going to have be a conversation between us at some point. We both know what road we are heading down. And obviously our earlier intentions of keeping things only as friends were mistaken, because here we are. We've already both agreed not to meet again, citing the danger.

If there was a way to turn back the dial to "friends only", I think we would both do it. And I have to be very honest when I say that going NC would be very painful. We were friends first. The other feelings sort of snuck up on both of us. I would hate to end a friendship because I had to end a romance.

TemptedOne,

This is a forum for Former WS's who have ended or trying to end their affairs. If you don't begin the process of ending you affair, your posting privileges will be revoked.

Wow. My second day here, first time ever asking for help about this issue, trying to wrap my head around all of this and I get a warning?

I guess I didn't realize that other people set the pace for me to end things.

As I said, I'm trying to wrap my head around all of this, the idea of breaking things off, how that would look. But if you tell me "break it off today or you're out", then I guess I'm out, because the AP and I don't talk as frequently as you might think. Probably won't hear from her for another week. Which is why I am here now, trying to figure things out.

If that's not ok and doesn't fit the standards of your site, well... it's your site and you can run it how you like. I will be disappointed, but I will seek help elsewhere.

In case I get booted after this, let me just say "Thank you" to all of you who participated in my thread, even those of you who challenged me. I value your time, advice, and perspective.

Temptedone,

We can try to help you end things but we cannot have anyone here actively involved in an affair. It's a process and we understand that, but we also have to abide by the forum rules.

If you're planning to end it, you are welcome to stay here for support.

I guess I'll "lay low" here for a bit as I wrap my head around things and come back for support when I end the A. I will be an absolute mess.

Thanks.

And thanks again to those who have helped me process so much in the last couple days. It has been helpful. Was hoping to be here more than a couple days to figure things out, but rules are rules.

Duplicate

[This message edited by SI Staff at 9:09 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]

[This message edited by TemptedOne at 9:12 PM, January 15th (Wednesday)]