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Has anyone had a WS go to Asian massage parlors with happy endings. I have been married for 29 years and found out 10/20/13. I want to stay with my husband but find the whole thing disgusting. I can't sleep, eat, think. Any up lifting help would be nice.

(((Leurdog)))

For the immediate and near future I would put the focus on you.. Focus on your survival/ healing..

Put your own needs to get thru the day above the needs of your WH and the relationship..

If your WH is remorseful and is inclined to do little things to take care of you, let him.

Essential to get STI testing(full panel including HPV) and be tested for HIV every few months..

If your WH starts playing the blame game shut him down..

The fact that your WH visited Asian message parlors has nothing to

do with what you were or weren't giving him..

It has everything to do with his coping skills and wrong choices..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:49 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]

Rest assured that you are not alone, Lcurdog. You'll find plenty of other betrayed wives on this site whose husbands have paid for sex. Some go to massage parlors, some use prostitutes, quite a lot troll for such women on Craig's List...

I know that there are a LOT of SI members who will totally understand the pain and horror you are feeling, because they, too, have been there. My husband's betrayal was of a different nature, but when I discovered it, we had been married for almost exactly the same length of time that you have. It was such a shock to learn that the man I had loved and trusted for so many years had acted in a way that seemed so completely out of character. I found it very difficult even to take it in, let alone to understand.

Like you, I walked around for weeks in a sort of daze. I was devastated and could think of nothing but what had happened. It's a very common response. Although you don't want to eat, please try to look after yourself anyway, so that you don't fall sick, in addition to your other problems. If you can't face solid food, you might try those drinks that are replacement meals, just to get some nutrition. If you really can't function, you may want to make an appointment with a physician.

If you haven't yet found it, you will find a lot of helpful advice and articles in the section of this site called "The Healing Library". If you look at the little yellow box on the top left of your screen, you should see a link to it.

Keep reading and posting, too. In the early days, especially, the support and advice from the wonderful people on this site made a huge difference for me. I hope it will be the same for you!

I'll be thinking of you and wish you well in these dark days. In the meantime, here's a virtual hug. {{Lcurdog}}

[This message edited by Cally60 at 2:06 AM, January 21st (Tuesday)]

Yes, Leurdog. I found out after 34 years. He'd been going to women of all nationalities for five years. He said they were just bodies....ugh...

I felt exactly the same as you when I found out. The pain and horror were beyond belief.

But he's remorseful, got himself help and we're both healing. I'm 59 , so I could never compete, but it's not about me and I understand that now, over a year out.

We're a happy ending....so far....we still have a way to go though but I'm confident we can get there.

(((Leurdog)))

Sorry Leurdog. Please take care of yourself during this time. I confess that I did the no sleeping / eating and crying for days / weeks. Was too scared to have a glass of wine to relax me incase I drank the whole bottle and then some more.

I discovered that my WS had been visiting Asian massage parlours during our family summer vacation only months ago- when I found a condom in his pocket. I was clueless prior. We have been living in Asia for 10 years - I am slowly finding out that this has been going on for the entire time we have lived in Asia. With hindsight it is now glaringly obvious ..... but I had trust and faith in my husband......and here I am.

Thankfully I found SI. And instead of throwing him out and moving countries within minutes of DD. We have yelled, cried, sworn, blamed, hugged and made some loose commitments to taking each day as it comes and seeing if there is a chance at R. We have two young children and have had many years of happiness - though that is now all tainted with his actions.

Unfortunately I do not have any uplifting advice to offer. Except that this is your WS's issue. It is not a reflection on you or your character. I felt like I had been dumped with this huge, ugly and dirty problem to resolve alone. How could I share this with someone I know?

We are seeking IC and CC - but it has taken some time to find someone who speaks english and isn't part of our wider social circle. So we begin that journey in the next couple of weeks.

Financially we are OK to separate. AFter the fog lifted after the initial discovery I realised that I want to at least try reconciliation.

My WS is desperately remorseful now ( though a bit bolshi in the first instance). I dont know where / how this will end. But I am working on it.

You can PM me anytime for updates or to chat.

Breathe...and know that many people are sending you positive thoughts x

Wow I am so sorry to hear! Just know that you will receive plenty of support here for advice, experiences and just to vent!

Take time for yourself! I didn't the first few days and I kept putting off thinking about what happened. That got me no where. It made me bottle up so much and become an emotional wreck.

I didn't even realize at the time but I wasn't even eating the first few days. It made me feel so much worse. Focus on yourself & your health.

L'dog-

I understand your pain, your numbness, your shock and your disgust. My WH went to a 20 yr old prostitute one Sunday morning , got caught, shattered my heart, and here we are.

It's frightening in a special way....especially if you thought and believed that people who pay for sex are immoral and have big, repelling character problems, as I did. It also is especially isolating for the BS, as this sort of infidelity has it's own shame factor. The whole idea of desiring sex with a stranger, with an undiscriminating partner, and PAY for it was so alien to me and my naive life lbefore DDay. The life I want back.

While I always found SI to be extremely helpful to me, as it was the only outlet I had in the beginning, I was sorry that most of the stories on here are concerning scenarios that didn't much match mine. - they were mostly dealing with a specific AP- this anonymous sex business is different. A specific AP that the first order of business is to obtain NC with. This is sex with ANYONE who is in the sex trade. Who are we to guard against????

As I said before, I was particularly isolated in my pain. I mean, my mother is 86 years old, I can't fathom dumping this on her. The prostitute is 15 years younger than my daughter.....what would that do to her if I told her? And my friends, well, same thing. If I stay with him, I didn't want them to have THAT be the first thing that they thought about when they saw us. (We all know of people in the public eye who get caught in anonymous sex scandals, and I know that I ALWAYS think about that when I now hear their names.). Now, if he doesn't do the work; if he can't make me feel safe again; if he doesn't get a grip on where this hurtful and risky behavior stems from....I will NOT be his secret keeper any longer, guaranteed.

First of all, go into the *I CAN RELATE* forum. In there, you will see a thread about prostitutes. Escorts, masseuses, whatever they want to call themselves, they are human condoms. Prostitutes. You will see you aren't alone. And judging by the number of whores who advertise on Backpage and numerous other on line websites in my city alone (oh yes. I know ALL about them now. I even found the scurrying tenement rat whore that my gross husband paid for sex, her ad) I'm actually shocked that I don't see more sad stories about anonymous sex on here, as there are literally thousands of whore ads. Anyway.

One common theme of the freshly busted user of paid sex workers is something along the lines of "it was ONLY sex". My WH looked me in the face as I was hysterical crying, begging him to tell me NO..... NO, it didn't really happen. Looked in my eyes and said "aren't you glad it was only a prostitute". This is their type of fog. This is what they tell themselves to be able to go *there*, to that underbelly of a world. Do not buy this bunch of bullshit. That is very dangerous minimization and justification of a horrid act. Not to mention illegal. My answer back to him then, and what I've learned is part of my particular battle is "hell f***ing no, I'm not glad". Here you have a premeditated, conscious decision from the get go, to deal with. He didn't fall in love, he didn't fall victim to ego stroking, he didn't slide down a slippery slope of collapsing boundaries. He planned this trip to hell and paid for his ticket there, and dragged me unknowingly along with him.

I'm so so sorry you're here, and wish you well. Let me know if I can be of ANY help at all. I care.

Thanks to all for sharing. I feel awful for looking at young Asian women and hating them. I find it very hard to get a pedicure anymore because I wonder do they do this stuff on the side. This all started with what I thought was a harmless massage. I had know idea they rub up the leg to the crotch!!!!!!!!!!!! If my husband would of said hey you know I get aroused when I get a massage that would have been the LAST. I only new about a few massages mainly when we are on vacation. About a year and a half ago he went to a near by town to shop for some tools and said he saw a Asian massage parlor and decided to get a massage. He says that on the flip this woman just started the give him a hand job and this is how my nightmare began. He started going on backpage and went to almost everyone of them in a 30 mile radious. He said that when I found out he really didn't know how wrong it was until he saw the pain in my eyes. He is a really good man other than this. I just hope I can move past this. He is doing anything and everything to make him self accountable for all this. Thanks for letting my vent.

Hello Leurdog. My story is very similar to yours. I found out four years ago that my husband had been going to Asian massage parlors for six years for happy endings. We are still together. This is not an easy road. Hardest thing I have ever done. You have come to the right place. People on these boards saved my sanity when I had no where to turn.

I am writing on my phone now so I can't write everything -- I will write more when I get home.

In the meantime, I need you to take care of yourself. Eat when you can. Drink water. Take care of YOU. This is NOT your fault. He is broken.

I will be back in a bit. You can also PM me anytime.

Good Morning Lcurdog. I hope you are taking care of yourself today. Everyone that responded to this thread is spot on. The most important thing for yourself right now is to take care of YOU. You need to get tested for STD's and so does he. I cannot stress this enough.

Not all, but most wayards stories are just the tip of the iceberg, and you might have some tickle truth (tt) coming your way. I pray that you don't, but you have to be prepared for it. My husband tt's me for about four months before I got the "full" truth of what/where/when/who. He has been with AT LEAST 40 women that I know about.

The thing about these massage parlors is this(at least from our situation): the "massage therapists" aka WHORES don't just start giving a hand job -- the transation is paid for BEFORE the "massage" begins -- he would walk in, pay for the "massage", then offer her a "tip" of about $120 for "extras". They are prostitutes. They don't work for free. He can show you credit card receipts that say he only paid for the massage, but they pay in cash for the extra stuff.

I am not trying to contribute to your pain by telling you this -- I want to make sure that IF you consider reconciliation, you go into it being fully informed.

You have been married longer than I(21 years). I get why you do not want to cut your losses. You have a history with this man. Maybe children too? Like me, I'm sure you were totally blindsided by this.

You may be dealing with someone who has a sexual addiction (like mine). Was he abused as a child? Does he have intimacy issues? Nonexistent sex life? Mine was sexually abused. His addiction started out with porn addiction, frequent masturbation, then the massages. These addicts live in a world of shame. Their shame leads them to plan and fantasize about acting out. Then they act out, followed by more shame. The only way out of the shame is to act out again. Shampoo. Rinse. Repeat.

If you think that an addiction could be going on, google "Patrick Carnes SAST". This is an online sexual addiction screening test that may be of help to you.

Keep posting here. We all understand.

Knutz!!! So good to see you! {{{ }}} I hope you are doing well! Don't know if you remember me from the Sex Addicts' Spouses thread or not.

Lcurdog, Huge hugs for you. {{{{ Lcur }}}}

My X did all sorts of cheating but when the first of the trickle truth came out, it included the Asian massage parlors, because he did think these weren't "as bad" as other forms of cheating. He kept denying his girlfriend was an affair for years, as they worked together and were "just friends". He really didn't want her to know about the prostitutes.

I searched our records and learned way more than he ever was going to confess. I kept hearing that what I knew about would be the tip of the iceberg, and it was true in my case. It is a long, hard journey, and I'm so sorry you find yourself here.

Please do try to take care of yourself the best you can. I started trying to figure out what was wrong with my X. As I started to think maybe he was a sex addict, the wise people on SI told me I needed a CSAT for myself. Once he refused to go see one, I decided well, screw you, I'll go for myself. This was a good choice for me as I began to understand the disease a lot better, and I began to address my codependency issues. Dealing with the trauma has been intense, and is ongoing. One thing that I learned is that you have to deal with the trauma that's been dealt to you first, before you can work on anything else. This is so hard.

Keep posting and reading here. There's a thread for spouses of sex addicts in the "I Can Relate" thread. Some members have just found out, and some are attempting to reconcile, and some of us didn't have spouses that wanted to try. It's a supportive group with a lot of wisdom.

Lcurdog, you are certainly not alone. My D-Day was Jan 4 2014, so I too am still traumatized by the events that have unfolded. I think My WH thought that hooking up on Craigslist and AshleyMadison would be less harmful than a "real affair". What they don't seem to realize is that their actions were deliberate and thought out. Unlike someone who gave into the moment, these men have deliberately led double lives and chose to lie to the "ones they Love", thinking they are protecting us. My WH even told me about the moment when he decided to go looking for sex. He blamed it on something "he perceived" I said. That's bullshit, and I squelched that thought in his head right away. It was HIS choice to do something so disgusting, not mine. He spent 10 months with one woman, and when she left him for another man, he went to prostitutes.

My WS has been my best friend almost all of my life, but this is the worst case of deception I have ever dealt with on a personal level. I feel violated and taken for granted. The only good thing that I can see to come out of all of this is his willingness to get help and try to reconcile.

In some ways, I suppose those of us dealing with this kind of deception, are lucky. At least their involvement was not on an emotional level as much as a sexual level. We don't have to run into the whores at the grocery store. Those woman were nothing but vessels for our "poor deprived men". (gagging here).

But, the deliberate deception is worse than anything. I have learned more about the sex trade in the last three weeks than I ever wanted to know. What has really opened my eyes, is the prevalence of this kind of behavior. The behavior of those searching for sex and the behavior of those offering sex, has me doubting human nature as a whole. I feel like the whole world is one big stain, and I find myself looking at people that I know and wondering if they have the capability to be so devious. How sad is that? Then again, I never thought my WH would be one of them. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to look at the world like I used to.

Lcurdog, thankfully, but unfortunately you are not alone. I pray we all find the capacity to heal in time.