SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

On my phone so please forgive formatting and autocorrect errors..

Some back history .. Ex and I had been married ten years when he got transferred to SE Asia. We were pretty excited since his family was in the area also. He went over to set up a year ahead of time while I stayed home in the States with our Dd and sold off our house cars and property before I came over to join him.

When selling the house I found that he had taken most of the equity out of it via a second

Mortgage. When asked he said it was needed and I had no concept of what it cost to set up up in new county. Stupid idiot me.. I believed him. He took care of all the bills I couldn't see any of the accounts at this point.

Soon after Dd and I arrived in Asia he became a lot more controlling and abusive. I soon found out he had a very young pregnant gf ..

I also found out I couldn't leave without his permission.

About 6 months of hell my mom got very sick and he let DD and I leave just for a week .. He said that was enough time for us to be gone .. And if we told anyone what happened or tried to con him there would be hell to pay.

I got back to the States kissed the ground and got a lawyer.

I never went back

He was only seemed concerned with money in the divorce.. So that's what he got .. I got sole physical custody of Dd but we have joint legal.

He has paid child support.. He does send a present drippshipped from amazon for holidays. He calls to talk to her every 8 weeks or so for about a three mins.

When he calls he seems

Mainly interested in what I am doing.. He keeps track.. He knows by public record I just bought a house. He knows I have dd I rather expensive private therapies that his support parents do not come close to paying for.

After all this time .. Five years.... He has not come to see her. Now he is coming. Says he is going to take her for a weekend.

On the call he rambled which is very unusual for him. Said he could come here then said well perhaps another city and named off a few .. Kept asking me when her breaks were and said he needed one soo since he was moving again?? Said it was the fith move for him...then went bac to rambling about taking Dd.

Every hair on the back of my neck went up ...

Dd is special needs aspergers with add ... He did not ask about her needs for this visit...did not ask what she wanted..

This man scares the shit out of me..

He is coming ..

I am going to my attorney ASAP ..

What should I ask him?

We have no parenting plan.

So supervised visitation?

Therapeutic re introduction ?

I am so worried for Dd .. She can't even handle raised voices without breaking down. Ex has huge anger management issues ..

Please some advice... I need a direction to go .. Please...

Almost forgot dd is 8 ..

File a restraining order ASAP! He WILL try to take her and flee! Do NOT meet him! Inform school, daycare, EVERYONE, that he does not get to see/take her!

^^^^ THIS!!!

Yes. See a lawyer as soon as possible and try to get a restraining order against him. Do not under any circumstances let him see her. Document all phone calls or texts and try to get sole custody. Just the fact that he has not seen her in 5yrs should be enough evidence that he does not have her best interests at heart. (((HUGS)))

Yes, go see your L asap. You can file a restraining order but my concern would be him coming here and actually filing on you saying YOU kidnapped his daughter. However if he hasn't done so in the last 5 years he may not now but you never know so see your lawyer and ask about getting sole physical and legal custody. If you do choose to meet him then do it in a public place and have several friends or family there with you.

ETA: Just to clarify, I don't for a second believe or want to make it seem like I am implying that you kidnapped his daughter. Just trying to help you see all the angles HE may use, even the unsavory ones. I wish you the best and get to your lawyer asap.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 10:25 AM, January 19th (Sunday)]

Another point - IF your daughter has a passport, secure it somewhere beside your home. A safety deposit box, a friend's house, wherever. He would not be able to take her out of the country without a passport and cannot acquire one without you being involved.

See the lawyer immediately! Supervised visitation would be the ONLY way he'd see her, if she were my daughter!

I would be very concerned also. If you do allow him to see DD, do not allow him to take her overnight under any circumstances.

The only catch here is the language in your D regarding visitation, so you need to check that. If it specifies that he can take her overnight unsupervised then ask your L to get an emergency hearing to amend the parenting plan to get supervised visits only. Explain about your DD's special needs and your concern that your X will take her to Asia without your agreement.

You may also want to coach your DD on what to do is Daddy tries to take her onto an airplane. She can approach any airline or security worker and say that she does not want to go with her father and her mother does not know that she is going.

I know this is scary. Stay strong

(((hugs)))

Says he is going to take her for a weekend.

Um no, he's not taking her. Don't you dare let him go anywhere with her. What does your divorce paperwork say?

Thank you so much for the quick replies!

Sorry if I seem disjointed on some things I am just having a huge panic attack.. Gotta love PTSD ..

I do not know how to quote on a mobile device ...computer is down so will have to make do for now.

Restraining order ?

- been five years since I have seen him. Also he is very careful he never emails or texts.. He also stopped threats by phone the day I got the lawyer. On the surface he conducts himself in an charming manner. I doubt I have grounds for an order...but I will ask my lawyer when I finally get to meet with him...which can not happen fast enough.

Him taking her?

Very very likely. My lawyer said he views her as a toaster.. A possession that was his. He looks bad by not having her. The thing he is ashamed of her since she is not "perfect" due to her autism.. That was actually his reason for the affair since he wanted more kids, but couldn't have them with me. In his world the autism was my fault..she and I made him look bad.

I can't see he would want her now, but I can see this new hasty campaign to see her may be driven by something else. Money probably... Already have it set up in my will that if I die everything goes into trust for dd ...if something then happen to her it all goes to charity.

No one should have to know how much their life is worth

Kidnapping?

Yes, that could have been a serious problem for me, but the statue of limitations is two years. If he decides to pursue that after not attempting to see her in all this time, it would be impossible...well at least I hope so, but the courts can do some crazy things..

In the divorce I saw my lawyer and had the paperwork drawn up when I got home but did not have him served out of fear of what legal action he could pursue against me. He emailed me after a few months wanting me to sign divorce papers he had made up himself. He needed me off his insurance papers so his ow new wife..religious marriage to ow.. Could be on his health insurance.

This man makes well over six figures a year but did not hire a lawyer since he thought it would be a waste of money. He was livid I got one..said it just showed how stupid I was since I could not represent myself like he could.

He made it clear that his driving force in the split was money...contested support, bank accounts, etc but did not say shit about visitation.

In the past five years he has had no time off to visit her..but it is funny that ow wife post pics of their lavish nearly month long vacations every year.

Why now? Why is he so effing nervous....ugh

I immediately go into fight or flight, but this time I need to hold my ground

How. I want her to have access to her Dad...I don't want her to get hurt...so hard to figure this out since I am damned if I do and damned if I don't

Sparkly..

My paperwork is like a paragraph on custody ...only thing set in stone is I have say if he can leave the country with her. I fear that is worth about as much as the paper it is printed on.

I will be fleshing out this paragraph at the lawyers... I need to get this defined, not having done so may bite me in the ass.

I need to have it done and have him presented with this new document before he leaves his country. One here the situation will get really ugly if it is not worked out before hand..

Edit due to autocorrect

[This message edited by Selkie at 11:39 AM, January 19th, 2014 (Sunday)]

The key here is a passport. Don't overlook this. If she has one, he'd have to get it from you. If she doesn't, he can't get one for her without you.

Jeanie,

Thanks for the reply!

I have let both of our passports expire and have not pursued getting a new one for her for this exact reason.

The thing I am worried about is him being able to get an black market passport for her claiming she is a citizen of his home country which is known for its corrupt government. He does have the connections to do that..

I am hoping he does not...I hope he is not that motivated...

Hope for the best ...prepare for the worst ...

I believe I can put a hold through the state department on her travel...or rather red flag it..

Uggggh.............. Why is he doing this now?

Why all the rush?

If I knew that I might be able to figure out his currency and what he is really after..and how far he is going to go to get it..

I can't believe I finally let my guard down enough to actually get a house in my name...instead of always being secretive..and in a week this happens

Do not worry about him pursuing a kidnapping charge. You were M at the time so as her mother you had every right to take her, plus you had his permission to leave Asia. No kidnapping there at all. He may attempt to pursue this, but it has no teeth. Also, assuming your DD is a US citizen you can ignore any court order that he has from his home country. Just laugh at him if he presents you with anything like that and tell him to go to court in the US and get an order if he can.

If you still have the old passport then either destroy it or hide it. Also hide your DD's SSN card and birth certificate.

Stay calm. Use your L and follow his/her advice.

The key here is a passport. Don't overlook this. If she has one, he'd have to get it from you.

I'll take it one step further: If she does NOT have a passport, you get one for her. If you've applied, he cannot get one for her. If you have not, he can.

Then guard the documentation/passport with your life. Like, locked up someplace other than your home---a safe deposit box would be my choice.

Not trying to alarm you, sweetie but if something does happen to you, your daughter goes and lives with him in Asia.

I can't see he would want her now, but I can see this new hasty campaign to see her may be driven by something else. Money probably... Already have it set up in my will that if I die everything goes into trust for dd ...if something then happen to her it all goes to charity.

No one should have to know how much their life is worth

But he might want her, simply because she is his. I would be extra careful while he is here. Alarms on etc. The hair did not stand up on the back of you neck for nothing. Listen to it.

Maybe my own experience colors my judgement, but do NOT let him take DD overnight EVER! Even if you know they are staying in the states. His interest in DD may not be just financial or as a posession. You said the OW/new wife was very young. She may not be so young anymore. Your Ex was controlling and abusive, it wouldn't be that far a leap for him to view DD as an easy target.

Definitely cover yourself legally and push for the therapudic reintroduction. Your DD has no idea who this guy really is.

Do not let him take her anywhere.. Not the corner store, not to the local fast food joint, nowhere. I'm reading it that your paperwork doesn't say either way about visitation. It doesn't say he gets it, but it doesn't say he doesn't get it, is that correct?

FYI, my custody papers read that if my ex ever wants overnight visits - and this is a man who lives here & interacts with the children daily - then it has to be facilitated with a family counselor so the children - who do not have autism - are not unduly traumatized by the drastic change.

Given the above parameters, it stuns me that your ex thinks he can waltz into the country after a five year absence & pick up your daughter to have for a week-long visit. WTF???

Hell no!

I would be open to supervised visits. I would not be open to anything overnight. Period. Done. This man is a virtual stranger.

Dreamboat, omg that is a brilliant idea about telling Dd what to say if he tries to take her on an airplane! Will only coach her if it comes to that point, though...Thank you..

Oh crap...he does have copies of birth cert and ssn...I scanned them in last year for him he said he needed them for her health insurance ...since she is still on his plan.

Solus, It is my understanding that I can not get a passport for her without his permission. I am also concerned he may use a passport from his home county to try and get her out. Thank you for the suggestion about the safety deposit box.

Ruby, I am going to get as much security in place as I can..cameras also. If anything happens to me I have her trust set up to make her not be a cash cow for him..I hope it never comes to that.

Gemini, he took her to his home country when we were living in Asia ..I had no say ..he just took her. His own family though he had flipped since she had no malaria shots yet...while she was there for ten days I did not hear from them. When they came back she didn't talk..had a fever..was no longer potty trained...had bites and bruises all over her. He just dropped her off at the door ...said she was sick, and left. I later found out he left her with relatives and she was passed from house to house while he went off with OW. I don't think he did that to her..but he left her with folks who did. Apparently she had been passed off to some creepy "uncle" ...

Ugh ....yeah...can't let that happen again...ever...only good thing she has no memory, but I do have her in therapy just in case anything comes back, ever.

Sparkly, correct... Not defined. I need to get something more on paper ASAP..

Nature Girl, a-effing-men ...exactly ...every word. I just need to figure out how to make that happen without ex going into a rage in my face...

I need to get supervised visitation pushed through some way....I need someone there to make sure he does not run with her...also to make sure he does not abuse her in any way. I also can not be the one to tell him this or enforce it, since he would just go through me. It would infuriate him if I defy him...If I have a third party do it like my lawyer it has a lot more chance of working. Or so I hope..

Thank you all so much for the support..

Really is helping me get back to some rational thought..instead of omg..run