SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm going to suggest something weird, so I don't know if I'll have people sick pitchforks after me but...why not invest in a physical journal?

Let's look at the situation: your H doesn't trust you, you broke NC and didn't even ask him how HE felt about contacting your AP and did it anyways, and his mind is most likely jumping to worse case scenario because of broken NC. Yet, he grants you access to a personal journal.

So imagine if you had zero trust in a person and they are typing away on their phone. His mind is probably instantly going to assume "Is she texting him again?" He could ask, but he can't verify this is what you're actually doing. So he'd have to just trust you...which won't go over so well considering things.

There's a popular phrase, "Trust, but verify." Right now your H has no trust and no way to verify to gain any kind of trust. If he saw you writing in a journal, he can verify that you are doing just that, therefore he's able to trust you when you say you are writing an entry.

Hopefully I'm making sense here but I think it'll help your H be more at ease, and THEN when you are using your phone to say text a girlfriend, you can proudly show that you are being honest with access to the phone.

This is part of the problem. You felt something for the AP. You had already walked away. You didn't owe him anything. You owe your BH everything.

This. We need to consider how every action will affect our BS.

With AP#1, it ended very abruptly. AP#1 is a family member, and in a vacuum, I'd get some closure. But I'm not in a vacuum. For me to help my BW, I cannot contact AP, cannot worry about AP. Contacting her would be purely out of a sense of entitlement.

BTW, this is something that I need to remind myself of from time to time. The folks here make it seem like that will get easier, but not ever go away completely. I can live with that.

As a BS I would view you contacting the AP as D-Day 2. I would view it that you put the needs of you and your AP, once again, ahead of Me and I would not trust you. It would be a total clock reset for Me.

What are you doing to figure out why you cheated?

I don't think it's normal and it's a sign of how our minds work thinking that it is normal.

I do not profess to be an angel nor am I able to not be defensive, but I know in my heart that things will never be the same after a betrayal.

I miss the innocence of our relationship early on, I miss my wife's hugs and kisses, I miss her telling me that she loves me.

My advice? Try not to be defensive and keep working at your relationship. Maybe one day it will get better. That is my hope for you and my hope for all of us in this situation that we created for ourselves.

You ask: shouldn't your BH be over your LTA by now?

I would ask: shouldn't YOU be over your AP by now? 4 years after the affair ended you still cared so much about AP's feelings that you were willing to betray your BH AGAIN by breaking NC.

And now one whole year after THAT, you still are justifying putting OM's feelings ahead of your BH's. You are still talking about what your AP is "owed", but no mention of what loyalty you owe your HUSBAND.

It's been 5 years and you still don't appear to be indifferent to your AP. Why is that?

No stop sign....soooo...

Your post in November contradicts a lot of what you have written here.

Just saying.....The contact you made was explained very differently than you have explained here.

Be honest with yourself...and your BH