And I am in such a weird place in my head. Questioning myself over and over in a detached kind of way. I've written here before that I don't know what I want to happen next with my marriage. I am such a decisive self-actualising person in every other aspect of my life. I HATE feeling this way. I am just treading water.
My husband on the other hand, it feels like he has just moved on with his / our life, forging ahead without waiting for me to catch up. Most of which is damn good really. He is looking forward to the future and appreciating the present. The only thing he things significant enough to talk about is our sex life, which has kind of stalled lately. To be fair to him, when I said I felt conflicted about him which sometimes turns me off, he apologised for creating this situation. But otherwise there's nothing because he genuinely seems to think things are ok. I think if someone asked him, he'd probably say the affair was a good thing because it has helped us build a stronger relationship.
On the other hand, I don't feel our relationship is stronger, I am still afraid to really talk to him. I don't want to rock the boat by bringing up the affair or my feelings. Instead, here i am at 6:30 am typing this to you guys. I spend my time wishing he would bring it up occasionally. I told him all this months ago but nothing changes... Except I think his sense that this is now in the past and we should just move on. He doesn't say this, but his silence and his actions speak volumes. He is loving and kind, but it all just feels like business as usual, if you know what I mean....
What I'm feeling right now is that I've fallen out of love with him but I would like him to win me back, I think, maybe... I don't know. I think he thinks we should do romantic things, concentrate on having sex more, being loving, and be equal about putting the effort in but actually, I have lost the desire to do it just now and I feel like since he was the one to take it away, he should be the one to put the effort in at this point in our lives. I feel a bit like we are strangers now and if he wants us to start again, he really needs to start again, make me fall in love with him again, make me remember why it was I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Like when we met and he went hard out to win the fair lady...
I feel so selfish that I feel that way but I just do.
I just had to let that out somewhere....