Kalliopeia....really agree with your response to this post.
I tried to spin it as my own, but you captured my thoughts beautifully.
Honestly, I found this guy early on...well before SI. What he teaches jived with what my IC was advising me, as was my Pastor was upon my first DD.
The whole "Now is the time to show how much you love your wife, how committed to your vows you are, the better or worse part of marriage". Bullshit!
My counsellor backed off of that, my Pastor changed his tune as well when my wife used this "opportunity" I nurtured to shot steroids into her A, taking it quickly and recklessly into the PA realm....all the while I am showing love, restraint and caring.
Her A only ended when I found the courage to exercise righteous anger and show love towards myself.
Needless to say I "unsubscribed" from his email. You might note he offers "quick solutions"....within 30 days you would be over the pain if you just bought his full system.
To be fair to my IC and my Pastor...neither of them were skilled in adultery issues. My Pastor was a youth pastor most of his career, he assumed my wife was regretful, remorseful, and repentent (because she was putting on the act and I was wanting to believe it soooo badly). My IC was choosen for anxiety issues a few weeks before my first DD....transferred into our joint MC IC therapist. She, too, thought my wife was geniunely regretful, remorseful, and repentent.
It was unfortunate all of my early interactions were nudging me to do things that caused me more pain and hurt....and that the advice played so nicely into my FOO coping mechs....it felt good to "offer more and expect less". God help me...that was the truth.
NOTE: I said "was unfortunate", not IS unfortunate. I have since come to be grateful for how my journey has played out....because I think I had to be totally broken, totally shattered before I gave up my poor coping mechs.
You know...as I think about what his advice is.....my wife and I inadvertantly did his system with infidelity back when we were just engaged.
'Course, we didnt think it was infidelity back then. My wife had private, intimate email exchanges between her and another man. (poor boundaries, independent desire, lying, keeping secrets...all traits of a WS present back then). I read those emails, I knew they were intimate in nature. My wife rug swept, I was more than happy to have her do that, and I was committed to loving and trusting her forever.......and I did many of the same things this guy tells you to. Only it wasn't healthy....it was dreadfully UNHEALTHY. It felt good....but just because something feels good doesn't mean it is healthy. And THAT is a poor message from society...but fodder for another post.
Both my wife and I see how dreadful a mistake that was back then.
But I have given up all hope of a better past! My hope is focused on the present and future.
If I had followed this guys advice and subscribed to his theory....I know what my future would be, because I have seen it....it is MY PAST!
God be with us all.
