SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My wh has told me in the past "a judge doesn't care who slept with whom!! He's just going to look at you and see an able-bodied person who doesn't contribute!"

And so goes with the question: To all divorced sahm's -How did you fair with the judge?

First off, many congratulations on your loss. What a jerk!

I get the impression from SI posts that states and counties vary greatly. I am in a conservative Midwest county where SAHM' s do very well, standard is 5 years of spousal support at the minimum and can be much longer.

I was also told by my attorney that they do look at conduct in my county even though they are not supposed to.

If you haven't already, go and see a lawyer or several.

It also depends on how you present it e.g. you might need to go back to college.

[This message edited by jemimapd at 12:13 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

We didn't see a judge, we worked out a deal amongst ourselves with our attorneys. My lawyer said that in our state (WA) that with a 10 year + marriage, my being a SAHM the whole time, and our special needs child, that I would expect 3 years of alimony. Given that I had already started school, we agreed that an extra year of alimony was warranted so that I could finish the degree I started during the marriage -- that will put my income pretty on par to his, while giving up the degree would mean my income would be something like 25% of his, so in the long run this will likely work out for him. (And to give him credit, he acknowledged that I had always supported him in his career, moved twice for it, and so on, and he wanted to set me up in my new career.) In any case, I get something like 35% of his income in CS and SS. After the SS ends it will be much less -- more than half less.

In terms of assets, we did a straight up 50/50 split. I gave him retirement and cash in exchange for keeping as much equity in the house and have the marital home.

Not sure how much help that is, but might give you some idea?

"who doesn't contribute."

Excuse me??

I believe there's an online calculator where you can add up the hourly rate on all the work involved.

Add it up, write it down, and have it handy when going into negotiations.

People who claim SAHMs don't 'work' are full of it!

Good luck mj.

Around here (also midwest), you will be imputed (ie the judge will look at your qualifications and experience and "assign" you an income based on that) 40 hours at minimum wage if you've never worked, more if you have a college degree and some pre-M/pre-kid work experience. That number will be used to calculate child and spousal support. The legal standard used (in this state) to determine whether you get spousal support is the broad and hazy "reasonable and appropriate". The reality in this county is you get a year of SS for every 3 years of M.

I don't mean to be harsh or blunt, but I'm not sure I would count on being a SAHM for the long term post-D. Young kids, sometimes the childcare isn't worth it, but CS accounts for childcare in the formula. You'd have to run through a number or scenarios with your L.

ETA: although your stbx was a dick to put it like that, he's essentially correct the judge won't care who slept with whom.

[This message edited by roughroadahead at 12:57 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

I was a SAHM at D-day. Did not go before a judge. Split of assets was 50-50 (including his retirement accounts). He ended up taking more of the debt because we kept all loans/credit in our names. The house went to me but I did not need to buy him out since the appraisal come back low. I did get extra time to refinance the house since I had no work history. I could have went for spousal support for 3 years, but decided the grief wasn't worth the benfit...I asked for his 2012 tax refund instead...he agreed to half. CS calculator assumed that I would have a 40/hr week job at minimum wage so to show that I was seeking employment, I made sure that I got a job that put me under the amount calculated...because I sure as hell was going to make sure that he had to pay the max. Since the D, I got a better paying job, but he has yet to take me to court for a modification. (It won't make much difference...we have a huge income gap).

Since he worked so many hours at the time of D, I got full physical custody. We have joint legal custody.

That my ex was an evil pervert never came up during the divorce trial. I doubt if the judge even read the parenting evaluation. It's true, Family Court does not care about cheating whatsoever. Not an issue.

I was able to get awarded to me half the cash money I could prove my ex gave to one of his OW. Only the cash, though, and not the value of the gifts & hotels, which was considerably more.

I got sole legal & physical custody due to the parenting evaluation. While I don't think the judge cared about my ex's sexual issues, the parenting evaluator did.

I was imputed 40 hours at minimum wage when calculating spousal support. After a year of looking I still do not have that job. It's not looking hopeful for me, which is why I'm looking at college again. Family Court does not view SAHM's as able-bodied people who do nothing, though. They simply don't expect you to continue to be a SAHM.

Spousal support, since I had a long-term marriage, will last for half the number of years I was married.

I got the house. My ex got all the money.

Keep in mind that the D process is not a forum for who is right and who is wrong. Nor is a place to publicly shame your WS. Its where you go to hopefully get a fair and equitable settlement. I made the mistake of allowing my emotions get the better of me and all that did was jack up my attorney costs. By the time we got around to the brass tacks of a settlement my XWW was unemployed and had moved on to a new bum for a BF. She was a SAHM for many years but insisted on going back to work, even though it cost us more for that to happen. The A I caught her in was with a coworker who threw her under a bus when hid BS found out. She asked to be laid off when she was labeled the office whole and they complied. Anyhow she tried to pull the SAHM routine when it came time for SS. Had she not taken that job she most likely would have gotten 3 years of SS. But because she had worked recently my attorney and I negotiated for 1 year of SS and I gave up 10 % of my equity in the marital home which was substantial at the time. I walked away with my personal debt which was fairly low and she kept hers which was fairly high. I guess it depends on how long your M, what state you live in etc. Some SAHM get SS for life. Some get little or nothing. See what your attorney says and follow his/her advice. Just keep in mind that everything is negotiable and make your decision based on long and short term needs. Good luck.

They didn't really care about the A, which I found shocking. They also said that even though I was a SAHM, I had a masters degree in teaching and was capable of working, even though there are widespread cuts to education and numerous teachers laid off and finding a job is almost impossible in my area, so I didn't get spousal support.

I did very well with custody and visitation, everything went my way.

I had to give him a bunch of shit from the house, which I was not happy about.

While they do not officially take bad behavior into account Judges are human and can recognize a liar/cheater. I made sure enough of the sordid story was exposed while focusing on proving the dissipation of assets, which the courts do recognize.

In my state division of assets is almost always 50/50. I was able to show that he spent a lot of money on the affairs. I got 60%.

His statement about you not contributing is absolute bs. I was a SAHM.

Being a SAHM is hard work. I dare anyone to say that you did not contribute! Did he ever go to work and worry that his children were not well cared for? Did he have to change diapers, do laundry, prepare meals while he was out working and cheating?

I know that my ex never worried about anything because this able-bodied wife was home working her ass off!

Courts in MA take this into account.

[This message edited by risingfromashes at 5:24 PM, January 25th (Saturday)]

I am also a SAHM to 2 school aged DDs. I am just beginning the whole process but my WH was very loose with his attorneys prognosis with what I will receive (of course depending on his mood what I get changes). I have been pursuing a job not because of any reason except I want to survive this as best I can. My lawyer said to not pass up a good job but to not take any job so that is my plan. True, judges do not care about anything but money and the kids that is it. The WH's lawyer had the stones to put into the petition for dissolution my educational experience as her reason that I should not get SS. CS is statutory in my state depending on the number of kids but since I have been out of the workforce for 10 years and moved from where my contacts are, getting back into the market is a lot harder my lawyer says I will get SS but not lifetime.