Been really struggling lately in the current living situation. S but living together. Sleeping in other BR. Only a small handful of friends even know we're experiencing problems. In some ways we've been a little more normal. We aren't talking about it all every night and crying, arguing, etc. But now it's like we are just going thru motions.
BH is running, not dealing w/anything. We are almost 7 weeks from DDay and says he still doesn't know if he wants to working on R or truly S or even D. I offer time, but still living together means that we're in the house most of the time after work or on weekends together. No kids. So if we are there together, we watch TV, movies, listen to music, clean the house...all the normal stuff. We just don't talk much to each other.
Here's the kicker for me. My H is on his phone texting constantly. And I mean in a way that would make any teenager think "dude, you sure do text a lot!". My H is so not a phone person either. He always brought his phone home in the eve, put it on the counter and forgot about it. Hardly ever used it or even answered it and hated texting. Now it's constant dinging and tip-tapping while we're eating dinner and/or watching TV (and he has always hated being distracted during TV or movies).
So Wednesday night after 2 1/2 hours of texting during dinner and TV, I asked if he would feel better if I weren't there. He tells me that he "doesn't mind" me being there. He kind of likes the "normal" feeling, etc. And when I tell him that it doesn't really feel that he's there bc he's so busy texting, and it hurts, makes me suspicious and feels like he's punishing me, he just says he's "lining things up" for his plans later in the week. And these are the plans that he never wants to tell me about, where he going, who he's with, etc. Bc none of it is my business, we're separated. But it doesn't feel that way and he doesn't want me to leave (neither of us really have a place to go for more than a few days @ a friend's house & no family in the area). But, I've offered. Many times.
I'm so confused and honestly at this point I'm a little mad and a bit disgusted by him. I know that sounds harsh and maybe I'm just upset right now too. The thing is that my H and are truly madhatters in the sense that he's had multiple emotional/somewhat physical (no intercourse, that I know of) A's over the years we've been together and I had the PA 12 years ago. My lies to cover it up are our biggest challenge now.
Sometimes it truly feels that it would be better to start over fresh, for both of us. I feel that this is just a cycle at times for us. We go through rough patches and we both get depressed and he seeks out EA's rather than deal. Yes, there was the one time (and yes, it was one time too many) in our 22 yrs that I too chose a PA over him, our marriage and reacting to our issues constructively. I wish to god I hadn't made that choice. I wish I hadn't lied. We were younger then and we really didn't deal with anything constructively back then. My H is not a believer in IC/MC and is typically the type that wants to sweep under the rug.
I know it's only 7 weeks and I've had 12 yrs but I'm struggling with feeling like I'm losing my whole life and everything I love one day/week and the next just feeling like walking away and starting new. I am so mad at him for not, at minimum, wanting to at least work on himself and stop going out and drinking with friends (which he never used to do and even still hates) and texting other women (I've seen the bill and I know some of these girls...one has been a past E/PA). He knows that I know and told me it wasn't my business and that if I contacted her (or the other, new girl) then I would stand no chance of ever getting him back.
Bottom line: I feel that he wants an RA and won't feel justified and ready to move on until he gets it. I think he's in some ways wanted this for a long time. I feel like a little of this is an excuse and an exaggeration of his feelings in order to punish me and possibly get to have the PA that he's kind of always wanted to have and can now justify it (at least in his mind).
If you don't know my story, then know that my H loves porn and wanted me to fulfill some of his fantasies which is what fueled some of the sexual/intimacy problems we had 12 yrs ago that I used to justify my A to myself. My H knew I was having an EA but wasn't as worried about it as long as it wasn't a PA (he doesn't really believe in the EA concept as a problem...um, yeah, I know...go figure!) and even liked for me to tell him about my "dirty talk" and flirtations with the AP while H and I were having sex. What he didn't know back then was that it turned in to a PA. I TT'd that and came clean 7 wks ago. Very confusing and F'd up I know.
I want MC and work toward R, once and for all. We've got a 90% great M! We have so much in common, are so much alike, we even have great sex when we do have it. We've just always used it as a weapon against each other to get what we wanted sexually from each other in the areas we do have differences. We need to deal with that shit and what has always led him to immediately turn toward OW when the chips are down and what made me justify an A 12 yrs ago. To a certain extent it was an RA of my own.
Agggghhhhh! Ok, I'm breathing again. Perspective? I know I'm being selfish, inconsiderate, impatient, etc. Right?
