SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

((Cmego))

I can relate to so much of what you said. Especially which kid to focus on, and having to explain everything again and again.

You're a great mom.

Returning to center. Feeling more centered now.

It is amazing, when I do occasionally ask for help, those relationships I value always step up. I can see things from your eyes, and it does make me feel better. I read every word and take it in and feel the love. :)

I know I am overwhelmed, but "taking care of myself" just isn't in the mix right now. I am in survival mode, and maybe as bad as it was after d-day.

I guess I don't know what you guys mean by "taking care of myself"??

I feel guilty over any time away from my kids. I do try and get out with my friends on the weekends I don't have them. When I'm on school breaks, I try to do a few "fun" things, but those are also the time I need to just get caught up on anything that slides while classes are "on". (I do 6 week compressed classes. 6 weeks intense learning, then 2 weeks off. For another year.) I keep thinking, "Next year. One more year. I can do one more year."

You can do one more year. It's definitely a goal.

Self care to me is doing something that lightens my soul.. Sometimes, it's just walking the dogs at dusk. It helps me to remember that we're here for a reason, and that it is such a beautiful thing.

((Cmego)). It is overwhelming.

**update***

….and….due to snow, the appointment with the social worker was cancelled. Crap. No relief, I have to wait for the next opening.

Two hours of crying with my son over his homework last night led me to write to his teacher that I am "through doing this the 'school's way', we need to find a new way" while I'm in limbo of trying to diagnose ds.

Single parenting is absolutely the hardest thing I have ever done.

Thank you for everyone checking on me. I may not be able to respond quickly as I'm juggling faster, but I appreciate "the love" more than you know.

Good for you for contacting the teacher!

As a teacher, I hope that there is not a teacher out there who intends for a family to spend enormous amounts of time in agony over an assignment. I admit that before I had kids, I was less sensitive to the family time. But I think if I was contacted by a parent at wits end and describing what you describe... I would make some sort of accommodation?

I may have a less mainstream view of education than most. But I did not homeschool my kids because I think managing the social world and the varying expectations is the one thing school can give my kids that I can't. All that to say, the content is available via the internet. The exposure to the content is managed by schools. But an education? In large part it feels like an endurance test. Specialized content comes much much later.

Glad you are juggling faster, and feel more on center. I have been thinking of you.

Hang in there, mama. The special needs parenting thing is overwhelming when you aren't a single parent, doing it alone is huge. Don't feel bad for needing to lean a little, nor for having really ambivalent feelings about it all. You are doing an awesome job and deserve some time to vent and to take care of you.

But I think if I was contacted by a parent at wits end and describing what you describe... I would make some sort of accommodation?

Care, ^^^^ is what finally got the school's attention. In first grade, I was concerned, and he did get some reading help. But, he came back in second grade testing at "pre-primer" and he is just getting further and further behind. We have some minor accommodations in place, but without the diagnosis, no formal accommodations yet.

It feels like this process is taking sooooo long, and he is expected to "keep up with his peers" when he can't do the work. I'm afraid Mama bear is about to come back out because I've just been pushed to my limit.

Trying to just hold it together and get through the Social Worker meeting. One step at a time.

(((cmego)))

Just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you.

Try not to feel guilty (easier said than done, I know.)

You are an amazing lady and your kids are lucky to have you.

(((Cmego)))) You have so much on your plate right now. There is so much in your posts here I want to address, I hope I remember it all....

1. You are a good mom. Bad moms don't stress over their children and whether their children are thriving or not.

2. I understand the guilt, but let it go. It serves no purpose except to hinder you from being able to accomplish everything you want. Guilt isn't a productive emotion. Let go of it by KNOWING you are doing the best you know how to do, you aren't perfect (because that is an unattainable standard that only the most arrogant feel they can achieve), and that your kids will be okay because you love them. Parents are allowed to make mistakes (good thing, huh!) but if the love is there, things will turn out okay in the end.

3. Be thankful that you had the strength to deal with reality and not live in the secrets. Secrets are damaging. Do you really think your children wouldn't have "known" something wasn't quite right? Staying with a partner who has a different sexual orientation and pretending everything is okay would teach your children that relationships have secrets and sometimes those secrets are damaging but they have to put up with them anyway. Instead, you are teaching your children that sometimes things don't work out the way we want them to, but we can adjust and move on. We can survive. It is a terribly painful lesson to learn and we have had lots of tears here also, but in the long run, my children have learned not to settle for something that doesn't meet their needs because they can deal with the pain and move on.

The thought of having to sit in front of another person, with "that pity" in their eyes, just….uggg. It is always the same look.

I can't stand pity and I don't allow it. It makes me ill. I got that same reaction from the first few people I told that my WS left me to go chasing hookers. The stupid things that people say! So now when I tell people, I make a joke of it. That keeps it lighthearted and doesn't allow anyone to do the "poor you" thing to me. I say things like, "he forgot to erase his history, stupid boy!" with a shake of my head and it lets people know that I am handling it fine. If you want to stop the pity crap, just say things like "well, apparently I didn't have the right equipment to make this one work, who knew?" or something a bit lighthearted. The pity usually quits when people realize you are okay and you are handling things okay. If you start tearing up or your voice is shaking, you are usually going to get pity. (And that is okay in some circumstances, it is nice that people have compassion. Sometimes we do need an understanding "oh, I'm so sorry" but I'm past that so I have no interest in the pity stuff these days.

Are you in IC? You asked how you can take care of yourself, and an hour once a week to talk thru your issues and have someone neutral that can totally support and validate you and help you process your trauma is one good way to take care of yourself. Even if you did it before for a while, it sounds like you could probably use someone right now with all that you are dealing with. You need someone IRL that you can bounce ideas off of and will listen compassionately while you get some of this toxic stuff out. Some therapists also have valuable resources that may help in certain circumstances.

Hang in there. It will get better.

I find that it's the parents that think they are "bad Parents" for things they have done or not done that are actually the good ones. My IC keeps telling me that anyway.

The bad parents are usually in general the waywards who think they are fabulous parents.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate.

I am the same as you in that I have the kids 97% of the time.

When X has them I am usually trying to catch up on things I can't get done when I have the kids.

I can relate a bit to the difficulties with kids with special needs.

My DD2 (twin B) was born with a birth defect that comes in a cluster of problems.

She was in the NICU for the first 3 months of her life and had many surgeries up until she was 1. She now has a lingering problem with her bowels that will never go away. It affects her schooling. She's embarrassed.

I find that I am watching her continuously for learning disabilities. She cries when she has to do her homework and has a hard time organizing her thoughts and get down to it.

Her test scores are solid B's to B+.

I'm not worried about her intelligence, just her work ethic. I can't help worrying.

Anyway, sorry to go on a bit.

When people hear about her birth defect and the time she spent in the hospital the response is always "how did you ever manage?"

I managed because I had to. There was no other option. I couldn't give up. It was too important.

Things got done and it slowly got better.

You will be ok because it will get better.

It must. You will manage and we are here to help support you in any small way that we can.

Hugs cmego.

(from a fellow introvert)

cmego,

I'm not sure how the school system works where you are, or what the goals of this evaluation are, but I am a social worker and spend the majority of time working in and around schools. I'm not sure if it would be helpful, but I might suggest making a list of the major events/timetable and tell the visiting social worker that these are the recent key obstacles for the family. If providing detailed descriptions is too much for you, or seems unnecessary, then don't. I really REALLY encourage you to take a proactive approach. If the system is 'investigating' then they should be prepared to offer your and your little one support... I'd think long and hard about what THEY can do to help your child, and then ASK FOR IT. I would hope (though I'm not completely naive) that the worker is interested in finding solutions for you not passing judgements. Hold your head high and ask for what your baby needs... you've been through a lot and you clearly know and love your children. Be strong. Please keep us posted. The school works for you... remember that.

Please do not think that staying would have been better for the children.

The sister of a good friend of mine stayed in a marriage just like yours. She now has a drinking problem (40 years later) and the two kids are a mess. One is now institutionalized with mental problems that are very severe.

The known (marriage to ex) is sometimes easier than the unknown (the future). I will probably always wonder if my kids would have been better with intact parents, but I will never know.

It is harder plowing through the future blind. My mind tends to run through all scenarios constantly. What if?? What if?? What if???? Which, is great for many situations, but not so great when I'm doubting myself. I tend to have 3 contingency plans in place at all times. Just who I am. A planner and a thinker. Serves me well in everything except dating.

Yes, I still see my IC, but only about 1 per month. I do go in and generally dump all of the stuff about the kids on her. We run through scenarios, we talk about the future, how kids handle these things, how I can support them, etc. She encourages me to "cocoon"…you guys would call it "self care". Keep those I trust close to me and lean on them when I allow myself.

Part of the issue is I don't know the role the Social Worker plays in this evaluation. Is she there to evaluate my parenting? Have a made mistakes?? The unknown is bothering me.