Over the last month, I have been noticing how much of my life I have screwed up over the last few years. I know that I betrayed my BW and family (including my BW's family, who I am closer to than my own). I know that I was not admitting and not treating my depression, and it led me to completely ignore the consequences of my actions.
I am taking inventory of how I gave up on so much other stuff in my life. At work, instead of trying harder to make myself valuable, I ignored deadlines, did half-assed work, lost clients. I used the excuses that the economy was bad, that my businesses overhead was too high, that the structure of this place made it impossible to succeed. It was the same as my M -- I convinced myself that BW didn't care, that if I had my A on "my own time" that I wasn't hurting anyone, that I was doing BW a favor by not asking more from her.
Wow, I was a selfish, irresponsible ass. I wrecked my M, destroyed my BW. I have robbed my family of my time and attention, and have taken money away from them by not performing at work. I have wronged my partners here at work by not caring. All of this because I was afraid of taking responsibility, or because my depression (for which I didn't take responsibility, so no blaming on something else) convinced me that nothing mattered. Even now, I have dug myself such a deep hole in so many places, I am worried that some places they will collapse in on me.
I don't know if my A caused my overall attitude, or I had A because of the attitude for everything in my life. I guess it doesn't matter -- its a chicken or egg issue. With a little help from meds, IC, MC, and a huge slap in the face, I am seeing myself clearly. Or at least starting to. And I really, honestly hate that person.
Of course, I'm posting from work. But I'm counting this as a necessary part of therapy -- the breaking eggs part of making the omlette.
