SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

If you analyze your wife's comments you will see that you are interpreting them backwards.

1] She is attracted to the OM and is tempted by the idea of starting an affair. The excitement, the danger, the lust, the romance; all play a factor in this temptation.

2] Her conscience demands justification. How can she justify what she really wants? What excuse for breaking her marriage vows and making passionate love to this guy?

3] So she ramps up the resentment and picks on neglect. You are not attending to her needs! You are working too hard! [to provide for your family one might add].

4] In reality she wanted the affair first and foremost and the justification was invented to allow her to say yes and enjoy what she desired all along.

What mealy-mouthed hypocrisy. Why she even believes her own pathetic excuses. You are being suckered into believing that you are to blame, while she now is convinced that her original invented justification now has a basis in fact.

She is actually saying that her relative died and you failed to show her adequate sympathy. She then decided to start an affair to compensate for your neglect and the OM just happened to be propositioning her at the time? Sounds ridiculous because it is. Don't believe anymore of her lies.

Thank you for all the responses, they are very helpful. I know from my wife (confirmed by the OM) that they had sex only once and that the affair lasted around 6 months. What I am not clear is whether she had an affair with someone else after the OM ended their affair. She categorically says no but I am not sure. I will probably never know. When I asked her why she asked the OM to be my son's godfather, she said that at at time the affair had ended a few years earlier and that she felt guilty and wanted to forget about it. This does not make a lot of sense to me. The key priority at the moment is my children.

Just a couple of things, friend:

What I am not clear is whether she had an affair with someone else after the OM ended their affair. She categorically says no but I am not sure.

Always----ALWAYS----trust your gut. Do not ignore it.

I will probably never know.

Are you going to accept that? You don't have to.

When I asked her why she asked the OM to be my son's godfather, she said that at at time the affair had ended a few years earlier and that she felt guilty and wanted to forget about it. This does not make a lot of sense to me.

Doesn't make sense to me, either.

The key priority at the moment is my children.

Of course it is. But part of that priority is showing them what an upstanding parent will and will not accept in life---especially from their own spouse.

She said she dumped him although he told me that it was him who dumped her (she now admits this).

This makes me think that she has more to hide. With not being very remorseful, lying, blame shifting that you weren't giving her support, etc... Plus your concern that there may be other A's, I'm going to listed to your gut and unfortunately all this makes me think that there was a replacement A or As for the "friend". You don't have to accept the fact that you may never know and you can keep digging if you want to.

I think I want to R but I know inside me that my children are 90 per cent the reason for that decision. Although I could financially support two households not seeing my children every day would break my heart. This is not an option.

I understand this very well. Staying together for the kids. Your heart has to be all in for an R with your wife too. Not just the kids. If you want to R with your wife, then good. But don't R just for the kids. Because that environment can turn toxic which is the environment that I grew up in. After my brother died, he told me he only stayed with my mother because of us kids. Everything was so bad in the house post mother's A I would rather have had him leave. As it is, I'm surprised he stayed as long as he did. My mother to this day show's no remorse.

When I asked her why she asked the OM to be my son's godfather, she said that at at time the affair had ended a few years earlier and that she felt guilty and wanted to forget about it.

And this makes zero sense. Enough said.

Hang in there Mindset and keep posting. Let us know how you are doing.

ask your WW to take a polygraph test. you deserve to know the truth about the life you lived with her and are still living now.

BS ONLY

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:51 AM, June 2nd (Monday)]

A quick update on where I am. I have decided to reconcile with my wife although I can honestly say that my children are the true motive behind my decision as I could not cope seeing them only a few days every month. My relationship with my wife is better than it was and given the pressure I had at work over the last two months I did not have time to think about her affair. I am still worried though that I do not really know her despite being married to her for more than 14 years. This is such a scary thing. Anyway I am in a much better position than I was 8 months ago. I do not try to spy on her, check her e-mail etc as I am of the view that if she wants to cheat on me again she can easily do it without me finding out. If she does it though she will have no second chance.

If she does it though she will have no second chance.

and

my children are the true motive behind my decision as I could not cope seeing them only a few days every month

Bit puzzled. If she cheats again and you divorce, you will then only have restricted access to your kids which you cannot accept. Something of a contradiction.

Currently it seems as if you are reconciling for the children sakes, but an atmosphere of suspicion and distrust prevails. You are open to the possibility that your wife has not been faithful throughout the marriage and she could cheat again. Doesn't sound if your 'reconciliation' will create a healthy marriage; probably based on your WW's lack of remorse.

The thing about her wanting OM to be godfather?

There is no chance that the child is his son I hope.

Currently it seems as if you are reconciling for the children sakes, but an atmosphere of suspicion and distrust prevails. You are open to the possibility that your wife has not been faithful throughout the marriage and she could cheat again. Doesn't sound if your 'reconciliation' will create a healthy marriage; probably based on your WW's lack of remorse.

Please re-read this.

Mindset, dealing with infidelity is a process, and if you try to ignore this elephant in the corner, it is going to bite you in the ass tenfold down the line. "Healthy" is a word that will be forever absent in your marriage.

The point is, you can have a happy, healthy marriage again in the future. And you can have a strong, positive influence on your children. The down side is that (1) your future "happy" marriage, may or may not be with your current wife, and (2) your influence with your children may not be full-time.

You have to be willing to lose your marriage in order to try to save it. Standing up for, and demanding the love and respect that you deserve...as well as the love and respect that you are willing to give...are not bad things. Why would you want to compromise what you stand for? To not make "waves" with your WW? To keep the family unit "intact"?

Believe me, this will not work out well....just ask any of the members who have attempted this path before. I don't say this to be confrontational---I am just concerned about you...and your childrens'...well-being.

Please reconsider your last decision. You deserve so much more than this.

Without being cynical, what I have learnt from the traumatic experience I went through nearly a year ago is that it is impossible to trust anyone -including your spouse - 100 per cent and that crap happens. I do not trust my wife but it does not mean I am spying on her. Quite the opposite. I do not check her cell phone, I do not have her FB password etc. i take the view that spying is a complete waste of time because if someone wants to cheat, he or she can do it easily without being detected. Regarding the question of trust it is impossible for anyone to take an insurance policy to protect against his or her spouse cheating. What is important though is the ability to build some emotional walls and be ready if the worst happens. This is what I did, I am in a completely different place from where I was a year ago. I am much more emotionally mature than I was and I will no longer be taken by surprise. If my wife cheats on me again and if I find out, i know exactly what I would do, file for divorce and fight to have full custody of my children.

Mindset,

The exact path you've taken is the same I'm trying to do with my wife. I no longer obsessively spy on her. If she's going to cheat again I know what I'll do and that's divorce and cut my losses and fight like hell for my kids.

On the other hand I feel as though I have the absolute truth about the the past and the events that occurred. I can't see how your going to maintain R without knowing if she has given you the truth about having other affairs. I think I'd have her hooked up with a poly but that's just me. I'm glad to hear that you're doing much better now. It always good to hear.

Thank you Uhtred, although I cannot guarantee 100 per cent, I am now confident that I know everything I need to know about her affair in the past and I am confident also that she did not have any other affairs. Where I am we do not use poly so unfortunately this is not an option. Building the emotional walls I talked about is not as easy as it seems but time comes during the recovery process when this step is clearer and made possible. For a relatively long time I was stuck at the phase of "why this happened to me", "I did nothing wrong, why she did this to me" but shortly after I managed to pass this phase building these emotional walls made perfect sense and was made possible.

I think you'll be suprised that those emtional walls are already in place. Like you said, you never trust someone 100%. Your carefull what you tell people. Your always looking over your shoulder to see whose about to stab you.

It comes with the knowledge that the one person you really trusted, betrayed you.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Putting your children first is admirable - Divorce sucks - it just does.

Marriages can recover from this - but it will take a long time and in themeantime, your marriage will probably suck. She needs to:

1. BE completely honest - tell you everything you need to know as often as you need to hear it

2. Be completely transparent - give you access to all accounts, electronics, bills

The point is that trust needs to be earned - and that will take a long time.

3. Stop blaming you and own her mistake - and own the terrible pain she has caused. R will only work if she can convince you that she gets it

She should join this site and become a reader/contributor to the WS forum - she can learn alot there.

Both of you need to set expectations that there is no short cut to fixing this. It will take a long time for trust to return. It will take a long time until you can look at her or touch her without thinking of the pain she caused. Frankly, it will be a long time before she can look at you without thinking of the pain she caused too - and without protecting her own sense of self by blaming you (none of us like to think of ourselves as monsters).

But you can do this . . . . it is worth trying - divorce sucks- and there is no protecting your children from that.

ps - I'm glad you dropped the idea of a revenge affair - it will only bring more pain. Don't have an affair until the marriage is completely over

[This message edited by Daddo at 4:17 PM, April 18th (Friday)]