SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hurtingfather,

We understand the pain that you are in. It basically renders us powerless.

But you can't let this devastation keep you down. Believe me, all I wanted to do was curl up and die after I discovered. And like your wife, I was in even deeper despair when I watched her go about her life, while mine was destroyed. It all seemed so surreal.

But that doesn't change the facts. You NEED to see a lawyer as soon as possible. You NEED to protect yourself from more financial pitfalls. You NEED to take back control of your own life. And that starts with holding her accountable. Don't accept her blameshifting for one second. listen to keptmyword and the others here, because as awful as your story is, many others here have lived through similar stories...and can help you get through this one.

Believe it or not, your wife is currently feeding off of your pain. She resents that you are in despair. It appears to make you look weak, and in the eyes of a remorseless wayward spouse, it sickens her. I know that is some fucked-up type of thinking, but that is what is going through her mind right now---me, me, me, and more about me.

You have to put and end to it.

Keep posting---the more that we know, the more that we can help.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this hurtingfather. You've been given some good advice here brother. Be strong. This will not be easy. But you will get through it.

I realize you are in a crap position because he is your son's basketball coach - but isn't there any way you can inform the school and expose the affair?

Zed, yes, i did talk to the superintendent , he told me he would talk to the coach . Two days later the superintendent called me and said the coach didn't feel anything inappropriate took place. For those that haven't read my profile, my wife and the coach at school were spending a lot of time together "fundraising". My wife was texting him about some fundraising, but After being called into the office, the coach texted my wife back and said "were not working together anymore" And that there would be no more fundraising. My wife asked him why? He told her to "talk to your husband". She called me and was absolutely FURIOUS and wanted to know "what the hell I was doing!", and that I just "doomed" our marriage.

You doomed the marriage? If you were not in such pain her statement would be hilarious. You need this toxic drama out of your life. Please take steps to remove it. You cannot heal and become strong until you do.

Hurting- let me tell you from hard experience. "A shoulder to lean on becomes a dick to ride on". There is no way around it. Please see an attorney.

People here are right. I had a unremorseful WW who put the blame back on me that she was unhappy. Actually I believe our marriage had very little to do with it once I found out the truth. Sucky part is she wouldn't come clean and I had to find out myself ten months later. A good dose of your attorney will knock her back out of fantasy land. You didn't doom any marriage, let's get that perfectly clear here. And you need to reply with that. A SAHM huh? Does she realize the easy life will be over and it's back to getting a full-time job and busting her ass the rest of her life? Let her see what life will really be like without you. Tell her she needs to move out, find a job and pay for her own love nest. the kids will stay with you.

As far as the money is concerned your attorney will find out through his discovery process. Because she spent the money (to possibly support her affair) then that can be deducted from anything you have to give her in the future for support (except child support). You can't spend $60K and not know where it's gone. Unless it;s gambling or something. My guess is she spent it on him somehow. Honestly I would even check to see if he's driving a new car. I had a friend whose WH bought his AP a car. Upon divorce the judge made him give it to her and she sold it. You gotta be strong here, read my tagline.

my wife and the coach at school were spending a lot of time together "fundraising".

Interesting. It may be a stretch, but maybe that is where some of your 60K went into?

Is there a way you can get your lawyer to subpoena the OM about the missing money?

Maybe your lawyer can put more pressure on the school with regards to the OM.

My suggestion would be to retain an aggressive divorce attorney, file for divorce immediately, and see what her response is. If it is one iota short of complete and utter honesty, confession, and being horrified at what she has done then aggressively pursue the divorce.

It will be much better and less painful to close this chapter of your life than live in a constant state of wondering where she is, what she is feeling, who is she with, her blaming you, and constantly feeling like your life is being dictated by fucked-up emotional needs of a neurotic, dysfunctional piece of shit who only cares about herself and how she feels.

Bravo to this. It is a hard truth, but it is the truth pure-and-simple. If I had heeded these words (and they were offered to me many times when I was where you were) I would have spared myself untold agony for so very long.

I just gets worse and worse. But then? It starts getting better. Stand up, even if it feels like YOU are betraying HER. That is how I felt; it was just crazy. But crazier still is that we stay with these disordered, shockingly selfish people for as long as we do.

Be strong. Or if you don't feel strong, act as though you do. I wish you the best.