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BS's: if your WS told you they saw AP's car in the parking lot but went in anyway, would that be acceptable? Is this normal? Would you want to know?

Can I ask why you're asking this question? You said were already in the gym when FAP came in.

No, not acceptable. Yes, I would want to know.

I would also change gyms. Whatever it takes to reduce the likelihood of bumping into him again.

HI SBB - I asked that question because I'm trying to understand why he would come in knowing I was already inside, and if it is at all possible his BS doesn't care. I know my BH would find it totally unacceptable, but maybe not all BS's would feel the same?

I guess it was more of "am I looking at this correctly" type of question.

Hi BG - with respect to your t/j - I will do whatever is necessary with respect to my activities to make my BH more comfortable, and yes, in a small town, you can not avoid the grocery store, the school parking lot, the post office - all places of possible run-ins, on the same frequency as the gym. My BH and I live here too, and have every right to live our lives, just as they do. We do not, however, seek out their places of business or their workout facilities, but they seem to have no issue invading ours. I prefer to respect my BH and leave if I ever see FAP - his preference is to rub his presence in my face.

Since I don't see a lot of W'S on this site bragging up this kind of behavior, or BS's condoning it, I'm wondering how they decided this was the right thing to do?

I don't think there is a "normal" BS reaction. It is possible that you telling him to leave the gym that time pissed her off. Who are you to tell him to leave? Maybe she told him to stand his ground next time to prove that you matter so little you could exercise naked in front of him and he wouldn't flinch. Maybe she was sick of you having any control over their lives at all. Maybe he is doing exactly what she requested. It isn't yours to question.

Whether it is acceptable or unacceptable assumes the BS knows about it of course. Odds are she doesn't know. If it was an ongoing issue for your BS I would suggest him speaking with OBS about it. But since it has only happened 3x in 2 years I would let it go and focus on how to help your BS deal when it does.

I'm wondering how they decided this was the right thing to do?

Why does that matter? Focus seems misplaced here. What the FAP and BFF do, is not relevant to the R of you and your BS.

The real question is what are YOU willing to do to help reduce the pain of your BS. What would your BS want.

You can both dig in your heels and set up camp to stake out territory or move off the radar and heal without interference.

Use of the words "invasion" and "intrusion" lead me to believe that this isn't about the BS but about who gets to be in what territory and what time.

I know this may raise hackles and cause some defensiveness. But this is the reality. The interference of the FAP only exists if you remain in the radar. You both need to decide what is more important.

If both you and your BS can heal knowing that the FAP will be around at any time, which is clearly the case now, who has more right to be there at what time, and who decides what is right and how, wouldn't be that important. Talk to your BS and see what will be more helpful toward healing and moving forward toward R.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 3:56 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Right now, I am frustrated that other people's choices are interfering in our lives, when we have made such an effort to build up strong walls and avoid them. What is their motivation for wanting to hurt my BH more? They MUST know how hurtful it is for him, because they've seen their own BS suffer! These people are evil.

Like I said, our experiences are similar. In our case, I felt like it was a petulant thing to do -- very high school; I was incredulous, and my H was very angry for me. I also felt it was very attention and drama seeking. We still go to the gym when we want, only together, and will just ignore them when/if we see them.

ETA: I will add, though - that it was not painful, per se - which I thought was a positive factor. My H was there with me, supporting me, and I won't let the OW have that kind of power over me anymore. She's a loser.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 3:57 PM, February 4th (Tuesday)]

Thanks to everyone who has responded - definitely have received the type of feedback I'm looking for.

My A was widely exposed - to everyone. So my BH and I have had to deal with a lot of people in our town wanting to invade our privacy and engage in the A talk, when all we want is to deal with it in a private way that helps us heal and R the best. Perhaps that is why we both get really hot when we feel like our "space" is being invaded.

My BH's healing and comfort is my primary concern, so that will drive how we handle these situations going forward. For the time being, it will not be possible to avoid crossing paths occasionally, so focusing on our integrity and what my BH wants will be my priority.

I'm happy to PM if anyone wants to comment offline.

Why does that matter? Focus seems misplaced here. What the FAP and BFF do, is not relevant to the R of you and your BS.

THIS. I'd have a long hard look at why this is where your thoughts went there.

You are assuming R means true remorse. It doesn't. Chances are FAPs BS has no idea.

Two words: Home gym.

Seriously.

This is really a tough question and one that will ‘evolve’ with the distance from D Day. Initially there is often a fear factor (read uncertainty/lack of trust) that on the BS side, where any future contact of whatever nature between the affair partners creates a strong sense of disquiet in the BS. With all that has happened and especially in instances where the affair partners professed their love to love to each other (and the BS is aware of such professions), many a BS wonders what ‘love’ truly means to their WS. Even years after recovery, questions remain in the BS’s mind as to whether their WS’s expressed love for them in the recovered relationship has much depth to it. WS motives and sincerity invariably continue to be questioned albeit never openly challenged or discussed.

Fast forward several years. The realization that the fWS cannot (and should not) be controlled and will follow his/her own path, leaves the BS with the definitive knowledge that, in a relationship, the only person that can be trusted 100% is himself/herself. Should the fWS decide to stray again, the BS can do nothing to prevent it. Sure, hopefully the renewed relationship has hopefully been rebuilt on a more realistic base (knowledge-wise) and both partners are doing all they can to make it work so the chances of future betrayal are reduced. The question always arises in the BS’s mind however in instances of chance contact between affair partners as to what feelings still remain between them.

And that is a question that the BS will probably never have a true answer to – will their fWS tell the truth (after all they are equally as guilty as the AP and therefore may well not blame the AP for what happened) ? Even if they do tell the truth which might well be that they no longer have any feelings for the fAP, the BS still often wonders if that answer is being given so as not to cause further hurt. Something of a double bind!

In essence, once trust is destroyed is it ever fully recovered?

In essence, once trust is destroyed is it ever fully recovered?

Trust may be rebuilt but I doubt it is ever fully recovered.

Pre-DD many of us simply did not think our spouses would ever cheat. Ever. I don't know that that was trust - more blind faith. Just not.going.to.happen. Ignorance is bliss.

Post-DD our world view is changed.

Interestingly that changed world-view means that we don't just know our WS are capable of it we now know that anyone is capable of it. Be it WS, future relationships, others' relationships. The only person we can be sure of is ourselves.

I am D but I believe no matter how much trust is rebuilt there is no way to undo that knowledge that everyone is capable of it. Even in R there would be no way to undo the knowledge that your WS is capable of it.

Some would argue it is something we should always have known.

Had he D'd me without cheating that view would still be intact. I am still unsure as to whether or not I am grateful for the lesson.

Why does that matter? Focus seems misplaced here. What the FAP and BFF do, is not relevant to the R of you and your BS.

I do not think this is accurate. I know that AP isn't going to "get me back." BW is pretty sure of that, but she cannot be 100% sure. AP popping up, especially at our favorite places, is going to hurt BW and going to make her wonder if R is worth it.

The FAP doesn't change our relationship, but it does affect us. That's why I think having a plan together is the best way to go. I agree with some others here -- It might be a great idea to say "the gym is a problem, and I think leaving might be best for us."

This is a topic that I am saving for our MC. I want to have a plan for the AP's and the BIL, and I think our MC needs to help.