SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi all...I am so happy to have found this site where I can share my story and hear from others who can understand what I am feeling.

Eight weeks ago, I came across my husband's ipad open to a porn story website and picked it up to take a look at what he was reading. I noticed that he had created a profile which I opened and was shocked to see that he had checked off that he was looking for friends and sexual partners. I also discovered he had a long list of "friends". I opened his mailbox on the site and found a message to one of his "friends" telling her he loved her new pic, that her ass was hot and he missed chatting with her. He also told her he was out of town if she wanted to look him up.

That was all I was able to see before my husband came into the room and I confronted him. We weren't able to talk at that time because we had a friend over who was doing some renovation work for us, but it was clear that he knew he was busted. He took his ipad and at some point during the day removed everything that he had been hiding from me.

I spent the next two days holed up in my bedroom with my computer, doing a lot of crying and searching the user name that he had been using on that website. I can't begin to describe how painful it was to find the lewd comments he had made along with numerous invites to look him up to chat. I discovered that this had been going on for years. In addition to his activity on two sex story websites, I found he had listed a personal ad on another website for people looking to meet for sex.

If anyone had ever suggested my husband was doing this I would have told them they were crazy! We have been married for 14 years and I have never had reason not to trust him. I now feel like I have spent years with a stranger.

We have since started going to therapy and I have spent countless hours with him going through his list of friends and asking questions. He has confessed to using chat rooms, having private sex chats and having a couple phone chats. He has been willing to sit down with me whenever I ask and answer questions. He swears that he has never met anyone in person and I want to believe him, but it is difficult. He says the personal ad was just fantasy and he doesn't know what he would have done if someone had responded.

My world has been turned upside down and I feel as though I am consumed by this 24/7. His comments, the photos he commented on and that one private message I found play over and over in my mind all day. I have spent countless hours on the computer over the past couple months searching for something I may have missed and putting everything that I've found into chronological order. I've gone through all our text messages to compare dates and times with those on his website comments. I want to know every last detail and don't know what to do to make myself stop searching and revisiting all the stuff I've accumulated.

I feel like I am crazy and would appreciate any thoughts/feedback from others who have experienced the same obsessive behavior...

Sadly, many of us have been where you are. You are fortunate that he is being somewhat transparent. However, just so you will know, it's often true that what you're finding is just the beginning of what all is left to discover. Your ws's sense of entitlement and selfishness is going to take you on a ride you aren't going to like much. Please do read in The Healing Library to learn ways to protect yourself from what's possibly coming as well as coping mechanisms that you will need. And, know that you - YOU - didn't do this, he did. And it's ALL his to own. Also, if you ever get the real 'why' he did this, you'll be one of the fortunate few. Most of us give up trying to figure that out simply because the waywards can't or won't answer that question. Sending hugs to you…..

He is lying. Browsing porn sites and chatting for 2 years without ever actually meeting someone? Gimme a break. He has slept with someone else, trust me.

Keep digging, I'm sure you'll find it. Ask him for a complete list of passwords.

Check your credit card and phone records. Cross check them vs when he says he was travelling. Get his vacation schedule from his employer.

Last step would be to schedule a polygraph to make sure he is telling the truth. You might get what is known as a 'parking lot confession' from him. But you have to be willing to take to that level to get to the truth.

So sorry you are here. Sending you strength. Kali

So sorry you are here JustMe000, on the other hand you have found a great place to be! Your WH sounds like a NPD SA (Narcisstic Personality Disorder and Sex Addict) person. Unfortunately what others have said is true, you are most likely dealing with the tip of the iceberg ... more will come out. If he is unwilling to give you computer passwords immediately, he is going to wipe the history, then give them to you. Take his computer to a shop when he is not around and have them bring up the cache ... everything is on that ... everything!

Again, sorry you are here! ((JustMe000))

Thank you all for your responses. I do have all his passwords and have free access to his phone and computers. I've searched through our phone records and have looked at all the phone calls and text messages he's made and received over the past year and have gone over anything that looked suspicious with him. He's been able to verify all the numbers. To his credit, he has asked me every day if I am okay and if I need to talk or ask any questions. I am far from finished with having answers to all my questions, but I would like to get to the point where I am not all consumed with these thoughts all day long- every day. :(

Im sorry you are here. My WH had registered in a lot of online dating sites. During DDay he only admitted to one -- but many months after DDay I managed to hack into a few more and got to read some of the messages between him and his "online friends". THis was after he looked me in the eye and swore on his mother's grave that he was only on one dating site. I proved him wrong because I caught him in his web of lies.

WHat I am saying is, be prepared to know more later on about his online activities. Get yourself checked for STD's just in case. I'm 13 months from my Dday -- and I still ask him questions every now and then. It will take time for the mental torture and paid to subside - but it will get better. You will feel better and you will again think a lot clearer.

Cheating spouses will lie and lie , as if their life depends on it.

Keep coming here and keep posting. THis site has saved me from going crazy during the early months.

Sending love and strength your way.

First of all, I am almost terrified by your post because I am on the other side of this equation. My wife is texting, sending pictures and doing exactly what you are describing. She went the next step and downloaded apps that allow her to call, video chat, text, etc. with very little paper trail. It took her two weeks to tell me about a trip she is taking to Las Vegas for the end of February. I don't know if her online actions and this trip are related, but I am resentful I even have to worry about the possibility. Its almost like they get off on hiding it.

I don't know if this is a parallel, but I am further hurt because intimacy is what I crave and it's very much lacking (not just sex, but even more basic stuff like holding each other--kissing goodby, etc). Adding insult to injury, we have known each other since we were 13 and have been friends for 30 years and married 12 of those 30. It's infuriating that my wife is so willing to give attention and seek physical/emotional satisfaction from someone she doesnt really know (who is probably cheating on his wife) instead of the person she married with whom she has been through the realities of life. Any of this sounding familiar?

It sounds like you do love this guy--if you didn't it wouldn't hurt. It is disrespectful of you! If it follows the pattern i have witnessed, he will tell you its harmless, no big deal--I also got the, "well you don't have the body you once did line." Yes, that line also gets used on guys. If he hasn't pulled that one out, consider yourself lucky. It really helps the self-esteem. My wife is not the size 4 woman I married, but I would love her and be attracted to her if she was 110 or 210lbs. Neither one of us is huge, but I am not 29 anymore--I expected her feelings to have matured along with mine. Apparently not. . .

I cannot claim any real wisdom, but I do know this is their problem and we are unfortunate enough to be around when it hits. Good luck and just know there is someone on the other side going through the same mess. We deserve better!

@BAB61 - what do you mean, everything is on the cache? What kind of records does it bring up? I'm thinking of taking my WHs computer...

AlleyK, most things deleted can be recovered. Techy people have a way of getting all "erased" or deleted stuff from a computer hard drive.

I hope you will find the evidence you are looking for.