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LadyLove ( member #40664) posted at 12:15 AM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
I agree with jpumkin.. The sexual & emotional betrayal is more painful, but the lies are more damaging. Lying while looking directly in the eyes of a crushed BS is just selfish & cruel.
BW - 50 (me)
WH - 51 Ladyslove
DDay Fall 2012
Don't know if I can live with it.
Always trust your gut. It knows what your head hasn't yet figured out. - Unknown
Justgreatnews ( member #41666) posted at 12:49 AM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
Would be interesting to take the time to average male/female responses on this. I'm surprised many males actually hate the lying more than the cheating:
For me 2% lying 98% cheating.
Another thing I hate. Being a male victim on this board, seems to be a considerable minority here. The shit just never ends, eh?
[This message edited by Justgreatnews at 6:51 PM, February 9th (Sunday)]
ConfusednAfraid ( new member #41940) posted at 2:11 AM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
I'm going to add that I was hurt more by my WS blaming me for the breakdown of the marriage and for her affair as a result.
Shockleader ( member #36827) posted at 2:11 AM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
Yeah, the emotional rape and sex aspect hurts to the core as a man, but what ended my M with absolute certainty and conviction, was the lying with malice, namely the extreme gaslighting of me.
MY exWW POS bitch wantonly, and with such ease made me look completely crazy in the eyes of my poor DD many times... For the endless emotional suffering she laid upon my DD, allowing her to live in agony because of her soul destroying choices of a true COWARD, she can rot in hell. I hate her for that, and feel no shame/guilt in saying it.
D-Day spring 2012
Me BS 53
Xcheater... Who cares.
One DD 25
Married 23 years
Divorced 12/23/13 Fu*king A!
The cruel, the unkind, those without honor, feast on the tender heart...
Northener ( new member #41229) posted at 4:32 AM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
It's not a zero-sum game. For me, it's 100% cheating and 100% percent calculated deception; either one is unacceptable.
BS 45
XWW 44
married 15, together 17
no children
D-day 7/31/13
WW had a 20-month EA/PA
Status: separated and divorcing
GabyBaby ( member #26928) posted at 4:47 AM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
I can accept that the cheating was a bad decision (note, I didn't say a mistake).
However, the lying on top of it? That just compounds the bad decision exponentially.
So for me:
Cheating: 15%
Lies: 85%
Me - late 40s
DD(27), DS(24, PDD-NOS)
WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself (May 2015) in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).
I edit often for clarity/typos.
cl131716 ( member #40699) posted at 11:17 AM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
WH didn't have a PA or ever tell the OW he loved them so the cheating wouldn't have been that painful. It was all the emotional and psychological abuse that hurt the most. Not only lying, but the gaslighting and accusations against me as well. I was so busy defending myself and feeling guilty that I couldn't see what he was doing. So much abuse to cover up something so insignificant.
99% emotional abuse
1% cheating
Me BS 33 Him WS 37
Together 6 years, married almost 4 years
D-day: 07/23/13 EA with COW
D-day: 12/27/13 found out about a past kiss
D-day: 05/30/16 Saw first text message from new COW
D-day: 09-08-16 Dr. Fone confirmed EA
alifeforesaken ( member #41139) posted at 1:53 PM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
I think I was closer to 50/50 early on, but I'm probably about 85 lying, 15 cheating right now. The lying is so difficult, but I'm still pretty hurt by the actions as well, and more so the emotional part then the physical part.
BW (31)
WH (32)
Children (1yr) (1 due Mar '14)
DD#1 - 9/28/13 DD#2 11/24/13
Decimated ( member #31656) posted at 5:43 PM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
About 50/50 for me.
The cheating/sex was worse to think about at first. I might have been able to get over that part with time and remorse. The lying is what made me end it file for D.
[This message edited by Decimated at 11:43 AM, February 10th (Monday)]
Me -BH 47, now 56
Her-XWW 39, now, who cares
D Day #1 9/09 found out about texting
D day #2 1/11 found out EA on going
D day #3 4/11 found out EA was a PA
Divorced 1/13
lordhasaplan? ( member #30079) posted at 5:51 PM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
What hurts more the lying or the actual cheating?
YES!
BS- Me (45)D-day: 5/18/10, lies and TT till (11/26/10). Currently in R.Don't carry others crap. It's your job to fix yourself, not your spouse.
Hannah25 ( member #42198) posted at 6:27 PM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
The lying is about 90% for me. He still hasn't admitted to anything that I haven't confronted him with. It makes me wonder how much more I don't know.
ME: 35
WBF: 44
Together 11 years
DDay: 1/12/14
DDay2: 3/28/14
Breezy150 ( member #42421) posted at 7:37 PM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
80% lying
20% cheating
It all hurts beyond compare though..
I am so disappointed when a liar's pants don't actually start on fire.
BS me 41
WH 42 his whore was my friend
Married 24 years
Finally finding R?
3 kids 3 grand kids
DDay 1 -Jan 2 2014
DDay 2 -Feb 20 2014 A went underground fo
coda87 ( member #40669) posted at 9:30 PM on Monday, February 10th, 2014
90% lying and continued lying, 10% cheating
I would also say my anger was also caused more by the lying than the actual affair.
Married 12yrs, known 14
DDay 8/21/13
BH 44
WW/STBXW 41
3 kids 12,10,8
Abbondad ( member #37898) posted at 10:57 PM on Sunday, February 16th, 2014
I do believe I could have forgiven (in time) the physical cheating. But the lies? For so long? With me literally sobbing in front of her begging her to stop? Never. And of course logically, the cheating IS lying so....
Nope.
Divorced April Fool's Day 2014
Fear is the mind-killer.Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.I will face my fear.I will permit it to pass over me and through me.-Dune
Lola88 ( member #41540) posted at 11:16 PM on Sunday, February 16th, 2014
Isn't it the same? Can't have one without the other......how do you get past it?
poison1916 ( new member #42298) posted at 4:09 AM on Monday, February 17th, 2014
my feelings are in this order
betray of trust, lying, the home wrecking (my home and the OM's home), everything else, the actual cheating.
this order may be because my father had an A and he and my mom got D recently.
Aceofbase ( member #42458) posted at 11:58 PM on Tuesday, February 18th, 2014
Lying or lack of telling me everything = 99%
Cheating 1%
DD: 12/18/2013
Status: R
Happiness is a choice.
SadInNC ( member #42170) posted at 1:22 AM on Wednesday, February 19th, 2014
What really broke my heart was the EA, not the PA. What broke my spirit, my trust, my entire belief system was the DAMN LIES and TT. So, for me the lies are so much worse than the A. IMO lies are a bigger betrayal because it's directed at YOU. I am still grieving over the lies my WH has told me. I will never be the same again because of them.
BS/Me WH/Him
"Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth." -Unknown Wise Person
bent44 ( member #31386) posted at 5:38 AM on Wednesday, February 19th, 2014
I may have been able to get over the cheating.
I won't get over the lying.
Doesn't help he's still lying! 
"If you marry a chicken, don't expect an eagle."
I don't know if my chicken will ever become an eagle. But rest assured, I'm going to be a phoenix. Nevermind that I am still in the ashes stage of the process.
Update...he
byefornow ( member #41992) posted at 3:15 PM on Wednesday, February 19th, 2014
For me, it was the lying. I don't think I can ever forget the lies.
BW- me
WH - him
married over 25 years
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