SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ooops, sorry I didn't realize he WAS a sex addict. You can pretty much ignore my whole post.

I see that Mr.P has worked his way to this thread. So I will address him here.

@mrP I intend to stay out of your threads on WW, to better support your wife. I may say things that upset you, and I don't like the idea of getting into triangular discussions. Also I hope you know that WW is a protected forum, and this will be helpful to creating a safe environment for you as well. There are wonderful caring people in that forum who can be helpful to you, if you drop your well built defenses and allow them to help.

Ms Rukia

I do hope that both of you and MrP will come up with some rules about posting on each others threads. When it is or isn't acceptable, or if you will do it at all. It might even be wise to avoid reading each other's threads at first.

They could easily become sidetracked in attempts to defend yourselves, if and when your WS hears something he doesn't like. And he WILL hear things he doesn't like over in the WW forum. He will definitely get his feathers ruffled when WE tell you things that we see.

Addicts without support protect their addiction.

And when something threatens to unravel the walls built around the addiction, they get testy, feel judged and find other ways to give up the activity that threatens to weaken the addiction.

Trust that there are those who will post there that know your story, and will correct any misinformation.

I believe now more than ever that your WH needs CONSISTENT continued therapy.

He still fails to address his issues while focusing on what he perceives to be your issues.

I find the construct of his language doesn't match the ideas he is trying to convey. I am a firm believer that the way we use language, the words we choose, the way we phrase them, tells us more than the ideas expressed by them. Think of this in the same way we can read body language or put stress on certain words.

I feel that MrP's language choice indicates that he has not yet become honest, with you or himself.

[This message edited by refuz2bavictim at 8:59 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

refuz2bavictim,

I appreciate your desire to support my wife and willingness to express your perspectives. It is difficult to read intonation in a forum and I am sure we all interpret what we read in light of our own experiences.

Whether I agree or disagree with something I will always reflect on it and see if there is something I can apply. I am completely available for my wife to express anything to me and she knows I am always open to hearing anything that she wants from me to contribute to our healing. Being in therapy seems to be the consistent message I am reading here, so I will ensure by the end of the week I will find something consistent to be enrolled in. I don’t think I have walls up, but if I do I will try to bring them down.

My wife encouraged me to post on this site, and I am thankful for those who care enough to respond.

Refuzz, hat tip. Good work and insights here.

MsR, I think we all lived without sex during at least some of the time that we were at our horniest. So what's wrong with not engaging in sex if you don't want to? What makes you think your H won't be able to stand some time without sex? Is he not an adult?

Have you given yourself permission to say 'No' - either to sex or to certain sexual activities? If not, it's probably a very good idea to give yourself that permission - 'yes' is meaningful only if you can also say 'no', IMO. Have you given yourself permission to say 'yes' to an activity sometimes and 'no' at other times (for example, you'll tie your H up today but not tomorrow)? You're entitled to that permission.

How does your H respond when you say 'no'? If he doesn't respect your desires, is he really someone you want to be with?

Can you accept sexual pleasure without beating yourself up and without feeling fear or anger or grief? Do you hold yourself back from experiencing pleasure in general? My understanding is that victims of abuse have a hard time accepting pleasure, and that could be a big barrier between you and your H. I can imagine a scenario in which you can't accept pleasure, so your H escalates kinkiness.

Bottom line 1: I believe part of your lack of desire is likely to be that your H's behavior is a giant turn-off.

Bottom line 2: I believe that your lack of desire could be a remaining effect of being abused, and I suggest you check that out.

Bottom line 3: I believe you should honor your lack of desire - don't force yourself to have sex when you don't want sex. I think it's telling you something important (though I don't know what). Since you want to change your level of desire, however, I agree that discussing this with your IC is a good next step.

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I also urge you to create ground rules with MisterP about posting.

The rules my W & I have adopted include: 1) we do not read threads started by each other; 2) it's marginally OK to read a response that the other has written; 3) on the very rare occasions that one of us wants to comment on the other's post, we discuss it IRL.

We do not communicate with each other over SI, because we can actually talk with each other. Just sayin'....

Sisson,

Thanks for your insight. I have said no to sex and some other things. But I always feel horribly guilty when I do. WH would often be upset. He told me over the course of this process he has told me that me not having sex with him made him feel rejected and unloved. He began to resent me on some level. So by the affair though he took responsibility, I carried tremendous guilt. If only I had fixed myself it wouldn't have happened. So though I don't desire sex right now, I feel bad about it. He has needs and I'm not meeting them. My tape in the back of my head says I must fix my sex drive or he will cheat again. I feel lots of pressure inside me to do so. I'm broken because I struggle. I was told by OW that I was abusive because I didn't have enough sex with him. (This was when she was my friend before DDay).

I like trying new things and I have been open. Ii also have said no to some things. I said no to swinging for example. WH can be a bit frustrated when I say no. But he is considerate and will let me off the hook. The only hard thing is if I say no, many times he will want to talk about it. These discussions are hard for me. He always wants to know what he can do better. I tell him that he's fine I just struggle with drive. The longer we go without sex, it does get hard on him.

I can enjoy sex. I just don 'to want it as frequently. I would rather have quality over frequency. Bottom line, at this point I resent and hate sex. The affair just adds to the trauma. I've thought about finding WH a sex partner so I don't have to worry about filling his needs anymore . He'd have sex and I could stop feeling the pressure to perform (from myself). Our marriage is good in all the other areas. We are building trust, we are a good team, we parent well together, we have common goals etc.

And we did discuss some ground rules and have an understanding now. He felt hurt over some of what I wrote in my post. So he posted.

I hope that answers your questions.

If only I had fixed myself it wouldn't have happened

Nope. Noway. No how.

Why won't you accept that your H is 100% responsible for the A?

He had other choices. He really did. I can think of at least 5 options right off the top of my head.

Heck, out of all the possible AP choices out there, he chose a friend of yours?

I see you are having a great deal of difficulty accepting the first and most important aspect of an A. The person who has an A is wholly and fully responsible for that choice. There is NO and I mean ZERO, not even a percent of a percent of that decision that falls on your shoulders.

Where did you learn this idea that when someone wants something from you, it's your responsibility to give it to them? Its your choice and your right to give it if you WANT. Just because someone wants something does not mean you are obligated to give it to them on their terms. I don't care if it's sex or ice cream. You can say no as you are not required to give it on anyone else's timeframe.

This is part of the permission process that Sisoon was talking about.

You are a human being with wants and needs of your own.

You are not a tool for someone else's pleasure or need fulfillment.

You have permission to say no, free of guilt

You have permission to say yes, free of guilt.

by the affair though he took responsibility

By the Affair he took an available avenue to please himself.

Selfish, impatient, deceptive and controlling action is not responsibility.

You are accepting responsibility and feeling guild over your WSs choices and behaviors.

Codependency.

Have you looked into this with an IC or read any books on the topic? I know there are some great books on the topic that are often suggested here.

I haven't personally read them, so I am hoping others can make some suggestions regarding the most helpful titles.

Very true Refuz ((sigh))

We've built some very unhealthy patterns around sex in our marriage. Now we are trying to un do them. I know logically that it was his choice to have the affair. But emotionally I'm having a hard time with that. And yes I do struggle so much with co-dependency. My whole life I've always taken care of everyone else. My struggled with horrible depression, so often as a kid an teen I took care of my family standing in her place. I'm still growing my backbone, but it's not an easy process.

Your right, it was his choice. I need that to be buried deep into my inner self.

I had a fantastic therapy session. Lots to think about. Thank you so much for all your input.

I'm glad you had a great session. Keep us posted. You're in my thoughts. :)