SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

No one is good at this in the beginning!!!

We all had to figure things out, frequently taking the advice of those who were there before and survived, and now many of us want to pay it forward and help you get there in a healthy way!

It's so hard to look at the person who you considered to be your best friend and realize they no longer have your back. It's tough, but you'll get there.

Probable--

My sitch is like yours, only I'm a little older. But, I have 80% custody of 2 sons, and so I deal with my XWW on almost a daily basis. Why? Because she texts me non-stop, and its ALWAYS couched in some bogus nonsense to do w/sons school, schedule, etc. Nothing you can do about it, except become determined you are not going to be beaten by it.

Just a pathetic game, that these cheaters play. Its guilt, ego stroke, and a way to prove to themselves they didn't do something awful. Fake concern about you, the kids, blah blah blah. All text replies need to be short and to the point; don't get baited into anything. Answers should always be the following: Great! Okay! Sounds good! Thanks! See Ya!

You get my drift. I'm pretty sure it drives my XWW crazy so that's a small amount of payback. Hang in there.

Answers should always be the following: Great! Okay! Sounds good! Thanks! See Ya!

Such great examples. Short, to the point, and !!! which implies things are great!

You need to remember that she doesn't think about things the same way you would. You tell her you're sad about things -- she doesn't see it as her poor behavior that impacted you -- she's thinking "glad I got rid of that loser" or something similar to that. We can't understand it.

Fake it until you make it. Give her as little as possible of a view into your life, and what she sees is that you are strong and fine. Even if it's not true, yet. You will get there.

For non NPD exes, it is, sometimes, perfectly appropriate to tell them, one time, "there is no need for conversation that isn't about DD." Matter of fact, honest, a statement rather than a discussion (and you're not open to discussion on it - if she pushes back you respond with, "it's too bad that you feel that way, but this isn't your decision." and change the subject to DD or leave, as appropriate), and enough of an explanation that she knows to stop trying.

Again, this only works on some exes, but if yours really is worried and not just completely self absorbed, it might save you a lot of back and forth.

She may not be NPD. I could never figure it out. She's..... something.

Would it hurt to do that just once if she IS NPD?

You could always try -- but only tell her that if you can really stick to it. Otherwise, it might become a game to her to see if she can draw additional info out.

And her behavior might get worse before it gets better (google "Extinction burst") so you have to stay strong if you declare that you're going NC or you lose all credibility.

If she's NPD she will just amp WAY up.

Oh and if she asks why, don't engage. Why is none of her business and it creates room to argue. " Because it's what I decided" or "because we are divorced" is more than enough response.

Crickets to her about anything that is not directly affecting the kids or the money ...

Just smile and say, I'm fine. Is there anything about *child* or *money* that you need clarification on? No? Ok, Thanks, bye.

This is sad for me. I didn't expect to feel sad about it. I had her in a neat box labeled 'toxic'.

I feel like I'm hurting her. I don't like to hurt people.

I still won't change my mind, but it sucks.

On the other hand.. wow, the amount she ignored me and moved on pretty damn fast to her new life. I guess she can deal with it.

More likely is that I'm processing my own emotions, not that I'm doing anything horrible.

I feel like I'm hurting her. I don't like to hurt people.

It's not about her. It's not about hurting her. It's about YOU, and protecting yourself. There are times in life when you need to choose to be selfish and take care of yourself. If she is hurt by the fact that you are not continuing what is at this point an inappropriate friendship with her, your EX wife, then that's her own boundaries that are messed up, not your behavior.

People get hurt for unjustified reasons all the time - it doesn't mean that everyone around them should bend over backward to accommodate them. You aren't even being rude, you are still civil, you are actively coparenting, you are providing her all necessary information about your children and finances. You're not doing anything wrong.

If I said that I was hurt you didn't respond to every single post I ever make on SI, would you follow me around and respond to everything I said? No. That would be inappropriate, unreasonable, and frankly a little creepy

You're doing yourself a great disservice by prioritizing her tantrums above your own emotional health.

Amazonia, point taken that I have prioritized her tantrums over my own emotional health in the past. (although my exact motivations are unclear to me.. it's been a weird process getting to this point)

However, I don't intend to do this any more.

I also realize you're saying I may be doing this internally, even if my external actions are correct, even now. I agree. I hope with time and effort I can treat myself better.

It's frustrating to realize, in my head, that I want to change, but the change itself being so slow.

My XWW did this too after our divorce was final.

She began texting, calling, fishing, probing…looking for affirmation that I still wanted her and was attracted to her. Her texts and calls would start out about the kids and progress into convo’s and flirting. She would invite me over for dinners, to fix things in her new place, and flirt with me. She has even initiated kissing and sex.

At first I was weak and indulged myself because I was still attracted to her and thought it would bring about openness and communication between us that could lead to R. I began to realize this was all about her and feeding her ego. She wasn't trying to R. I now feel she was just trying to manipulate me emotionally and control the situation and keep me hanging on to some hope that our family could be together again.

I finally woke up and found my balls. I only reply to her texts when they are about the kids. I respond using as few words as possible. I do not answer her phone calls. I know this is driving her nuts but this is how I should have been treating her since the first D Day. At first, I felt bad as if I was hurting her. Now, every time I start to feel bad about hurting her, I think about this:

The 1 ½ years that she was screwing her XOM while I was at work, all of the lies, The TT, The stonewalling, the lack of remorse, the risk of STD’s, her destruction of our family, marriage, the lives of our children, and walking away with half of everything I worked so hard for.

Suddenly I don’t feel bad anymore. This must be what she wanted…right? How can someone do all that to their spouse and expect anything less than nothing. This is what she deserves. These are the consequences of her choices and actions. If she wants ego kibbles, she can call her XOM who dumped her before our D was final. How can she possibly think we were going to be friends or anything else after what she did? If she was just a friend and she betrayed me, I would never speak to her again. The fact that she was my wife for 16 years, in my mind, makes this exponentially worse.

[This message edited by Decimated at 11:00 AM, February 10th (Monday)]

Decimated, you're right! It does help to remember how she actually acted.

She has this WEIRD frame where she pretends the affair and all that crap never happened. If I were to bring it up she would acknowledge it but it would be minimized. This frame leaks into my internal frame and makes her look much more innocent than she is.

She has this WEIRD frame where she pretends the affair and all that crap never happened

Mine too. She is compartmentalizing what she did as apposed to dealing with it in a healthy way. If I were to bring it up she would emotionally shut down and become agitated. It is my feeling that WS's with this type of immature coping mechanism will never learn from their mistakes or rather, choices until they have lost everything and hit rock bottom.

PIC - ease up and move away from contact with her. She is re-married and therefore you should not be having these types of conversations with her. Kids and finances only. For the record, I never talk to my ex. I have full custody of our youngest and ex rarely if ever, sees DD. She also moved 300+ miles away.

NC is crucial for your healing - seek it.

-t2g