SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Since the OM talked, WW admitted to what they did, how often, etc. The issue I have is that she only owned up to her actions after getting caught.

That leaves me asking if there's more she's not telling me because she hasn't been caught.

WW went ballistic again accusing me of living in the past, being a pessimist, not wanting to heal, not being able to move forward by choice, disengaging from the world, not understanding how the world works and a whole lot more that was hard to register.

Not....understanding...how...the...world...works???

What the actual f***???

Her leaving her job is at least one thing indicating she wants R. Everything else she's doing shows she a lack of remorse.

If my WW had called me a f*cking idiot I might have been inclined to say "Yeah, of course I'm a f*cking idiot. I'm trying to R with a woman who cheated on me and lied to me. So no, that doesn't sound very f*cking smart, now does it?"

I do want to say that kind of thing ^^^^

I don't because the therapists say it doesn't help and I'm trying to do things that are positive and not derail the process even if WW isn't doing them.

I know -- it sounds backwards and I would love to vent that way.

FeelingSoMuch,

That leaves me asking if there's more she's not telling me because she hasn't been caught.

I know that there are things FWW has not told me, and I suspect a few more things that may be true. I got TT for 6-7 months. Then after pushing from me and the IC/MC she gave me a 4 page timeline that greatly expanded the depth and scope of her As. This timeline had a lot of new information, things I would never have guessed to ask, and things I would not/could not have found out on my own. Still, I know that it was not complete. In some ways it could never be complete, because FWW had led her whole life flirting with men to get attention and affirmation. There is no way she would remember all the inappropriate statements, flirting, and touching. Other things I know would push her over the edge in shame, and I believe that she is in denial.

What I decided was that I knew enough. My wife had sought and received emotional and physical comfort from other men. She contracted a STD. She lost a job. While I am sure there is more, it really does not change my situation much. So what if there was a 5th or 6th OM? So what if the EA really included PA, does one or two more blowjobs make a difference? I now look at it as that was then and this is now. I look to see if she is keeping me and our M safe now.

I used to say that if I found out anything significant that she had not disclosed I would immediately D on principle. I no longer feel this way. That was then and this is now. FWW is working to fix her issues, she has done what she needed to do since the day after dday for me to feel safe in our relationship while I worked on acceptance and healing.

I found nothing in her timeline and other answers that made it all make sense. I get that years later she does not remember every time she gave someone a blowjob or how many times she had sex on a specific night, or even how many times she met at his office versus his house, versus a hotel… That was then and this is now.

There was some real anger and harsh words from FWW during the first months after dday, but at a year out she was owning her crap and seeking IC to address her issues. It may help that I had moved out at about a year our after a boundary violation. Her working on her issues was a requirement of my moving back in.

It took time, I often complained FWW was a day late and a dollar short on the R stuff and owning her A-crap, but she did…. Eventually. It was slow progress, but it was almost always progress. There are still back-sliding events, but even with these her recovery from them is much faster and self-motivated.

I suggest requiring some ground rules for joint sessions from now on, and one of the rules has to be 'no name calling'.

I've been in therapy groups in which one member has popped off at another, and the therapist has just said, very forcefully, 'Stop right now or leave.' The exploders stopped, and we got back to business.

I fear the low intensity of the C's confrontation has taught your W how to take control of sessions. That's not good for you or for her or for your M.

atsenaotie, I just re-read your post. Why do you have to make so much sense on a night when I'm not feeling great and considering ending things?

That's a joke, of course. You're right and I'm still stuck on this one.

Just before our marriage we changed cities for my job and I felt like I was living "the dream." I loved that city and the connections I made there. My wife wanted to move back because her family is here. She said that she didn't want us to have kids and they not have family nearby.

I was happy to move back. I so wanted kids. I started looking for work here and we both found jobs here at about the same time. The move was perfect, we even managed to sell our home and port the mortgage.

Then, once we got here, the cheating started. I resent that she used the "let's move back to have children" as bait. Not that I know for sure that was her intention.

But you're right. That was then. This is now. She's doing some of the work or a lot of the work -- depends on who you ask. I say some, but it's so hard for me take it in. The truth is probably somewhere in between.