CantLoseHope - although I do appreciate your honesty..... I don't entirely appreciate some of your assumptions.
CLH, I am sorry that my post made you feel uncomfortable.
First and foremost, you need to understand that I am a WS. I've been the lying, cheating and deceiving husband so I know something about betrayal, confession, remorse and regret and yes, reconciliation too.
Before making my replies, I did read your posts and thought that I had a fairly good grasp of your story. I was quite aware that you had been separated for a year and in fact, you posted several times asking whether or not a separation of one year would seem to indicate that R was off the table. It also seemed to me that the OW is somehow still in the picture and possibly a pregnancy. If you recall, on Feb 7, just a few days ago, you posted that " My WS has been on the fence the whole time in regards to R" and in part, I used that statement as a starting point in my reply. If I was wrong in my assumption, then thanks for the correction.
With all that said, in truth, my replies are not meant to make you comfortable.
Seriously, I am not looking to give you some touchy feelie pat on the back and a proverbial "it'll be alright" hug.
I want you to feel challenged. I want my posts to stir up thinking. I want to challenge your thinking process. I want you to see another side of hte equation. I want you to dig deeper into your thinking and feeling and really make your choices from a position of inner strength and clear conviction.
If my words make you uncomfortable, then please consider it in light of the following quote.
wincings_sparkle - If it hurts, it is something worth looking at. If it makes you angry, it is something worth looking at. If it makes you cry, it is something worth looking at.
CantLoseHope - I am still scared, worried that this is giving me false hope, etc. I am asking for any advice anyone can give me of where to go from here?
In my post, I wasn't trying to give you specific advice on what to say or what to do. What I really want you to do is to acknowledge the fear that you have. And then figure out how to move beyond that fear. Your fear comes from a lack of control. You are trying to control the situation but the truth is that you can't control his actions and you can't control his thoughts. You can only control yourself.
And the 180, when put into place, gives you the power that you are lacking. It gives you the tools that will help you develop your own inner strength to get past the fear of the unknown. It gives you control over your life.
Right now, your still in this "if/when" mode and that a passive power position, where he controls the situation. He makes the decision when to come and visit and if he comes to visit. That gives him all the power over your life.
If you were practicing the 180, the "if/when" would be replaced with a "for sure/now" mode and if your needs were not met, you would deal with his failure by making firm decisions on your own terms.
I truly do hope that your H comes around. But after a year of fence sitting, personally, I have my doubts. If he was in IC, if you said he was showing by consistent actions in support of his words that a journey of healing was in place, then I would give you better odds but from your posts, it seems that he is not there. And I feel that until you put the 180 into play, he will continue to remain there. JMHO.
HUFI
Those decisions that are truly significant are only confronted once.... the opportunity never returns and you must do it right the first time - Mara Delone