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Perhaps the "yet again" refers to the hurt and rejection you feel when he declines sex? or doesnt initiate sex?

If yes, you have at least identified an area of focus. yes, there are lots of areas of focus in a M....but this seems to be the dominant one for you guys now.

You are obviously open and somewhat willing to trying to work on this. I hope he is too.

Luckily, sexual intimacy is a problem for lots of marriages...not just those with adultery as part of them.

I say "luckily" because this makes it an area of focus for researchers and therapists......lots of therapist schooled in this, lots of books and internet resources.

Best wishes....praying for you both.

I think the book HopeImOverIt is referring to is After the Affair. I remember the part about taking turns initiating and putting a time limit on it. I might read that part again. For us I think we're both too "comfortable" avoiding being intimate, but then I remember that he thought about having sex with OW constantly and it pisses me off.

I truly hope he comes through for you with this and figures out why it's so hard for him.

Blakesteele-we tried the making it new thing but it felt too much like "affair sex" to us too. It sucks because I was enjoying it when it didn't trigger the heck out if me!! It does make me think if WH had suggested those things before instead of thinking I'd have no interest, this might've gone very differently.

Edited for spelling

[This message edited by AML04 at 7:31 PM, February 14th (Friday)]

I just wanted to chime in and say your story is so much like mine. I delicately brought this up a few times before the affair...that I wished H would initiate more. His response was that, he was always willing to have sex so he'd do it whenever I wanted. My response then was that, *I* just wanted to feel wanted. I wanted to be desired. I wanted to be chased. And yeah, I struggle with this now even more. It's hard. All of it is hard.

Thank you blakesteele for your insight, it was very helpful for me.

My wife rarely initiates sex and it used to bother me. I just learned to enjoy being "the initiator". It really does not need to be any more complicated than that.

Blakesteele- Thank you for the insight your posts provided. I do have a lot of trouble staying with the pain of old hurts so that my emotions don't drop into anger. I'm working on it, but I am not even close to getting there yet.

WIgirl- it definitely is about feeling wanted and desired, too.

HardenMyHeart- While it may be so cut and dry for your relationship to "just learn to enjoy being the initiator," it is not true for a lot of us. I am not about to settle for always being the person who initiates sex in my relationship. I want more than that.

it is not true for a lot of us. I am not about to settle for always being the person who initiates sex in my relationship. I want more than that.

I understand that. However, sometimes you need to ask yourself which is more important...to have a happy marriage or to get what you want.

Sometimes it's simpler to change your attitude about things, rather than forcing your desires onto someone else.

And what I am saying is that this issue has always been an issue in our relationship. I have tried to work on myself to become a better person and partner for him. For me to have a happy marriage, I need this. That's wonderful for you that you can decide to enjoy being the initiator. It's not me.

I'm not generally on R but I saw this and will share something that did work for me though you may not want to go there ... I gave him some chase ... I flirted with other men in his presence occasionally ... Worked like a charm.

My H and I haven't had sex since...November? Maybe beginning of December? I lost track. The time before that- August.

He has a million different excuses. He didn't take a shower this morning. He drank too much. He's too tired. His stomach hurts. He has to get up early for work in the morning. We are on "different schedules" (meaning I like to go to bed, he wants to stay up late and play video games).

What's worse, every time we fight (like once a week), he will bring up sex. "I was horny, and you started a fight a ruined it!" Like it's my fault.

I used to try. I used to initiate, and he would shoo me off, give me an excuse, and then go back to whatever he was doing. So...I stopped trying. And now we are 27 and not having sex.

I wish I had something more helpful to say other than you are not alone, and if you find a solution, please let me know.