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It's been a little over a month since I walked in my my WH and now XBF while her H watched, sick I know. Since then I found out about 2 ONS. Kicked him out 2 days after Dday. On day 5 pulled his credit report... OMG!!!

1) over 30 K in credit card debt I did not know about. Did not even know he had a credit card.

2) found out he did not pay off the car when I wrote him a check to do so last Summer, another 15K,

3) cashed an insurance bill instead of sending it to the ambulance company for our DD's trip to the ER $777

We have had separate checking accounts for over 7 years...the last time he rang up a bunch of debt. Swore it was simply because of bad decisions and buying things we really did not need. Swore he would never get another credit card and would only use his debit card. Swore it was not another woman, drugs, gambling or hookers. I just can't imagine what else it would be.

We have already filed for legal separation, did that on day 6.

I have asked to see the credit card statements but he gets defensive and says I am controlling. I just want to know my kids will be safe in his care.

We have already completed all forms for the separation and have agreed to everything so there will be no discovery.

Should I push to find out where all the money went? Anyone been in this situation figure out where it went?

I don't know about S, but if you go for D then he will have to provide financial documents. If he refuses you can subpoena them. He has no choice. Don't let his bluster about you being controlling rattle you. It isn't even your choice in the matter. It's the law.

You have the right to ask for reimbursement of half of whatever he's squandered of marital funds.

Swore it was not another woman, drugs, gambling or hookers. I just can't imagine what else it would be.

Well if it was a "pinky swear" then I'm sure I would definately believe him.

Let me tell you something about men. The ONLY places he could spend that kind of money without showing it are the places you forementioned. Unless he's come home driving a new car or a boat, then I hate to tell you.

I was just looking at your name. Say it to yourself....but out loud this time.

[This message edited by SeanFLA at 12:50 AM, February 14th (Friday)]

We have already done the division of assets/debt and he has taken all the debt he incurred . This is why there is no disclosure. Honest, at this point I personally do not care, just worried about our kids when they are with him. I really don't think it is drugs which is the one that would affect them so I guess I should not care. Just counting down the days until this is final.

Just curious I guess. Just don't know the person I have slept next to all these years. The amount of lies and betrayal is unreal!

The financial betrayal is really difficult to process too, at least it was for me. My exWH also racked up about $30,000 in credit card that I had no idea about until he had to provide the financial disclosure docs for the D. I almost shit myself right in the courtroom.

He actually had the balls to try to use the fact that he "was taking" all of the debt in the D as a bargaining tool. I don't think he figured I would use it too. I told my lawyer that I would concede to what he wanted in the D if he showed me all statements on all of his cards (I found out he took out several) for the past 2 years. I knew it was for online gambling and the slunt. I remember telling my lawyer that I wasn't sitting on it, driving it, or wearing it so that $30,000 had nothing to do with me or our household. As predicted, he refused to provide the statements so I got what I wanted.

Even though I am not responsible for that debt, it still really burns my ass that he used my salary and our family money to make the minimum payments and to support his deception for god knows how long. I trusted him implicitly and the one thing I did not handle was the finances. The one thing. He took advantage of that and actually stole from me. I went to work every day and he stole the money that I earned for our family. I'll never wrap my head around that. The cheating is awful enough, but this is also really bad and is one more punch in the gut.

If I were you, I would want to know where my $15,000 for the car went and I would want the nearly $1,000 for the ER trip. He blatantly stole that money that was earmarked for specific family expenses. Get it back.

The entitlement of these assholes will never cease to amaze me.

BTDT. Unless you subpoena the info, or if you can find the cc statements somewhere in your home, you'll never know…. The only other way is to guess his passwords and log on to his acct. I think I advised in the beginning of your journey: He will become someone you do not know; he will lie lie lie, he will continue to cheat and deceive and that you can NOT trust one thing he says…. and to protect YOU and your children because you cannot rely on him to do the same. What you can count on is he is now a stranger to you…. and not one to be trusted with anything. I'd be checking the company finances if you already haven't. Go back a year on cc's and be sure your company hasn't paid for his fun and games. I'm sad for you and your children; this is a harsh, harsh reality with which you are faced and, most likely, your mess to clean up because he won't. Sending hugs…...

Over the years I have read about sooooo many WS's that were just horrible with money, and had hidden credit cards with exuberant amounts all done behind the BS's back.

I have no idea what my XWH did with all the money, or what the hell he spent it on. I may never find out.

It pissed me off, because I was so frugal, I was driving an old car, wearing clothes bought from consignment shops, clipping coupons, etc. meanwhile he's blowing money and I had no idea.

Let me tell you something about men. The ONLY places he could spend that kind of money without showing it are the places you forementioned. Unless he's come home driving a new car or a boat, then I hate to tell you.

OMG SeanFLA reading this I just had one of those "aha" moments, or a slap in the face if you will. I always thought "I have no idea where all the money went." But the truth was right here, in your above quote. Duh!

You should absolutely push to find out where that money went. This happened to me. I found out most of it in discovery during the divorce. But the surprise I got was when I went to apply for a mortgage about three years later. I was the primary name on a Sears credit card. We had put the account in my name because I had better credit than my husband. The OW pretended to be me and got a card issued in her name. She then spent 10K and defaulted on the payments. Because I was the primary it went on my credit report. I was able to get that removed because they did it fraudulently. You need to know absolutely everything if he has a history of uncontrolled spending. Actually he has uncontrolled everything from the looks of it.

I had two female friends that went through this with husbands they wound up divorcing. Both husbands got home equity lines without them knowing. Not sure how a lending institutions even advanced on these given both of their names were on the deed and first mortgages, but I suspect the loose lending practices that went on during the real estate boom had a lot to do with it.

Anyhow, the first guy bought his AP a new Land Rover. When the divorce happened and she somehow found out about it (missing $50K) the court ordered him to retrieve the car that was still titled in his name and turn it over to his ex. She sold it for what she could. In all he spent close to $120K and maxed out the HE line. At the court hearing he was charged with accepting all the debt because it fueled his A.

The second woman was a childhood friend of mine. Her husband ran up $60K in their fraudulent HE line in which he forged her signature to obtain. She never found out what he spent the money on. But from what she tells me about his habits, I suspect online gambling, online porn or prostitution. In exchange at mediation for not reporting him under mortgage fraud allegations (a felony in my state), he gave her the home, all furnishings and basically had to vacate with nothing. He's 50 years old and living with his parents now (what a chick magnet). And he had to take on the debt responsibility. Nothing like a good dose of jail time threats to get what you're entitled to.

Both of these women are examples of what can happen when you put your bitch boots on. There is no way I would let him skate on $15K that paid off one of your cars. I just don't understand these men whom basically spend retirement savings to fuel an affair. These must be some seriously hard up men or just very disturbed individuals. And I guaranty you the sex wasn't THAT good.

My ex haemorrhaged money, he cannot account for any of his spending. He was using the credit card for the company he worked for and in order to recoup these expenditures they were taking them off his pay cheques. I asked why his pay cheques were reduced and he just shrugged his shoulders.

It is just beyond comprehension the level of deception our waywards inflict. I cannot believe the extent of your wh's spending, and the gall to cash the insurance bill for your DD's visit to the ER !!!! Why do they think they have this entitlement and for what?

I really hope you can find a solution and clear up this mess.

Good luck in your endeavours.

Sending ((( HUGS ))) and strength your way.

Again, I'm not an attorney, don't even watch one on tv, but I would recommend you ask if there is ANY potential liability possible later.

Even if he agrees to take the debt, even if the judge "awards" it to him, do you live in a community property state where the assets (and debts?) are collectively owned as part of the estate of the marriage?

It's not something I'd leave to chance. At least ask the question.