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How do you be "separated" when you're living in the same house? Its so hard, because I don't want to be separated. I want my marriage back. But we and the MC have agreed its best right now. Sometimes it's like nothing happened, and sometimes it's the most painfully awkward thing in the universe. She is not NC with OP. I don't know if they're still AP, but my guess is yes, although she keeps telling me "not to worry" and she loves me and all that. We're kind of in this holding pattern to decide whether to R. I am afraid that the AP is still happening.

When I write these thoughts down, I know I sound like a crazy pathetic BS. So why do I put up with it all? I love her so much, and it's just killing me...

Man, she is still involved with him. She is cake eating and will continue to do so as long as you let her. I heard the same lines she giving you about not worrying.

If I were you, I would tell her to choose: me or him. If she hesitates, push her to him. It's the only shot you have at saving your marriage, but it is completely counterintuitive. I wish I would have done it very early on and maybe I wouldn't be getting D now.

Hang in there buddy.

I did in-house S with the Ex for a few months and it was hard. I went NC, 180'd, lived in the guest room and spent very little time in common areas. I wore headphones anytime I had to cross paths with him and let my L handle communication (that didn't work because he kept ignoring her).

We had a lot of drama due to OW. It could have been more peaceful if our MC had a stronger personality was better able to help us with boundaries.

Ask your MC to help with some agreements while you're doing in-house to help everything go more smoothly. It's an emotionally challenging experience so the clearer the expectations, the better off it will be for everyone.

Most people do in-house because there are children involved. It's the worse situation to be in. Doing it while still involved in the A?...no way. She's lining you up as plan B. If I didn't have children I would be showing her the door. You need to show the marriage is over to have any chance of saving it. She's lost respect for you because you are letting her stay. Once the respect is gone, there's no salvaging it.

It is very hard to be separated in the same

House. WH and I are currently trying this and not succeeding. We have children and can't afford to maintain our house if we divorce.

I try to have as little contact as possible then am told I am being childish if I ask one of the children to do something he could. I also believe that my WH is "keeping me on the hook as Plan B" but he doesn't realize I'm serious about D. If there is anyway to avoid it I would. I know that's not always possible.

Try to have as little contact as possible with her and if there are no children stay out and come back only to sleep. Sit in the library and read. If financially possible take a class at the community college involving something you've always wanted to learn about. Join a gym or volunteer at a food bank or homeless shelter.

We did the in house separation for almost 4 months. I was really difficult. I stayed in the master bedroom with my WW moving into my daughter room.

We still ended up fighting alot. Mainly because she would go out Mo We Fr and come home 12-2am. I felt like she was rubbing the Affair in my face. So I asked her to move out, or start paying 50% of the housing expenses ( I had my attorney to this).

I told her to move in with the AP if she wanted. She moved out about a month ago.

Since then, I have felt better, although she still comes by our house to see the children. But I went completely 180/dark on her.

If I could start over from Dday, I would have remained calm as possible, tell her I wont put up with the affair, ask her to move out, and file for D immediately. No nagging, pleading, arguing, reasoning. And no giving her time to sit on the fence. The D process is so slow, at least where I live. You can always stop the divorce. But get the process starting. Just filing my shock your spouse out of it. Also expose the affair, especially to the spouse of the AP is they are also married.

Stay strong. Keep your dignity. You will respect yourself and your spouse will too.

[This message edited by coda87 at 5:28 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

You are NOT crazy! What you have experienced for many, myself included, is more painful than the death of a loved one. I did in house separation after I filed, and it was hell... But there was no way in hell I was leaving my place because of her actions, even when she screamed "I want you the fuck out of MY house" (entitlment much)... My attorney said for me to stay too.

We're kind of in this holding pattern to decide whether to R. I am afraid that the AP is still happening.

No, R is a gift only you can bestow... She has no say, or input AT ALL if you decide to attempt it. I have posted this many times on SI, and will so again ( I am not the author):

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,

let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,

"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,

and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,

wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.

A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?

What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.

You agree with their feelings,

they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",

you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",

you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

This ^. When I first came to SI the thing that resonated with me most was the quote:

Let go or get dragged.

It is really that simple. Though it hurts like hell, I know.

We're kind of in this holding pattern to decide whether to R.

After D-day I was in holding pattern for less than a second. My response to fww was, "I love you but there is no way in hell I am staying or supporting a third person in the M. Either we R on my terms or we proceed directly to D and tell everyone."

Edited to include:

But we and the MC have agreed its best right now.

Get a new MC. Anyone suggesting that a marriage will be helped in any way by allowing one partner to sleep around in a separation mode is off base.

[This message edited by tooanalytical at 7:58 AM, February 17th (Monday)]

Shockleader thank you for your response that is an eyeopener for me.

Shockleader put it much more eloquently than I did. I agree 100%. I tried to "let her go" and live in the same house. IT WILL NOT WORK. You have to push her off the fence. If you lose her, she was gone already. You continuing to live in "limbo" will not change that.

Doing what is described in Shockleader's post is the ONLY chance you have. I learned that the hard way.