SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I'm just curious about this. If I told WH I want him to move out while going through the LS/D process...I can't even imagine where he would go that wouldn't cost US $$$$.

My MIL lives right next door, so that isn't a good option for us.

Just wondered how all of that works.

Plus, if he isn't living here, when does he come and pack his stuff?

Where he moves is not your concern. Step away from the codependency, Nekorb!

who cares where he goes? I kicked the ex out and it was 2 or three weeks before he found his apartment. To this day I have no idea where he went.

It's up to him to find a place. Not your responsibility.

Where he moves is not your concern.

This.

Repeat after me:

STBXH is no longer my friend.

STBXH does NOT have my best interests in mind.

STBXH is no longer my problem.

Repeat until it sticks.

What Naturegirl said. Not your problem. They are smart enough to hide and facilitate an A. They aren't helpless children. He will figure it out. Your job is to figure out what you are going to do going forward.

Remember concerning your WH, there is no more "US". It's just YOU now.

Not your responsibility! He'll figure it out. As far as his stuff, also not your problem.

In my situation, I did not want him back in the house (for safety reasons) so I put all his things outside in the garage and texted him to pick them up. He was told that anything left would be donated or trashed. It was a lot of sweaty work for me to take all his shit out BUT it felt goooood. I don't think I could have handled watching him take his things out of the home.

My ex slept on friend's couches after he left....it's really not your problem where he goes, but it is your problem while he stays in the same house making your life miserable.

If the relationship is done, tell him it's time to get out! Why should you continue to provide a home for him, let him come and go as he pleases, doing whatever he pleases, and have your life be in limbo? You don't have to...start the proceedings, tell him it's time to get out, get the lawyer to draw up paperwork to provide for you and your kids, and move on!!!!!

I know it isn't my responsibility. But if he stays somewhere that costs money that will come out of our joint accounts. Kwim? He is the sole provider in our household.

When I kicked him out, he went and stayed with his parents for a while, but then they told him to get out a month later. He rented a dummy apartment, but then stayed with the OW every night. After a few months, he gave up the dummy apartment that he was pretending to live in, and moved in with the OW.

The day I kicked him out, I changed the locks. I was going to be damned if he was going to go "shopping" at my house. I got a storage unit and threw all his shit in that, and when I was ready, I gave him the key to it.

[This message edited by sparkysable at 12:14 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

As everyone has said already, not your problem. Do you work at all? Have you filed? Typically, during the support calculation process, the court will assume you can work full time at minimum wage. More if you have education and experience.

If you have not filed, please go now and open your own bank account. You can move whatever you want out of your joint account into your own account if you have not filed, but for the sake of being reasonable, move half. If you have filed, you are likely subject to a financial restraining order, so consult your L about moving money around.

If you haven't filed, file immediately and include a motion for a temporary support order. Local rules vary as to whether this can be filed concurrently or if you have to wait for the divorce to be filed first. You will need to document your expenses and income for that paperwork, so start assembling that information now.

Once you have your own account and a support order, what he does no longer matters even financially. You have your budget to work with, and how he spends his money once your support is paid is irrelevant. He will have to find somewhere to live that is within his post-support means. Spousal support is highly variable by jurisdiction, but if you have children, you will get child support.

One step at a time, you'll get there!

No. I don't work.

Does anyone ever live together during this process?

If I told WH I want him to move out while going through the LS/D process...

I'm a little confused by this. It's not like you're going to finish up LS/D and then he comes back home. Where is he going to live after the D is over? Wherever that is, he needs to figure it out and start putting it into motion right now.

I know the finances are tricky and it sort of still is "your problem" at the moment, but it won't be once the D is over. Where he lives will be 100% his problem, and both you and he need to start looking at it that way sooner than later.

In my case XWH moved directly from my house to a new place with OW. It took him only eight days from confrontation to move-out, to find a place, secure a lease and rent a moving truck. Believe me, it can be done.

If he is friendless like my ex and can't even find a couch to crash on, then he may have to stay in a temporary place like a hotel etc. Hopefully if it comes to that, the two of you can at least set a limit on the time/expense that are reasonable.

As far as stuff, my XWH packed most of his own things. We sorted through and divided up things together. That was fun... him cold and me sobbing. I don't recommend it. It's hard to give advice on this because it really comes down to how much civility remains in the relationship, and how much stuff you have that is either joint or in dispute (ie- you both want to keep it).

((nekorb))

You are about to go through the toughest part, imo. But after he's gone, it will get easier. Hang in there.

Does anyone ever live together during this process?

I lived with my XWH for three weeks while he house-hunted. He spent his downtime at home texting, Skyping, and emailing his MOW.

It was agony. We had been unusually close for decades, even for husband and wife. Now I was faced with a dead-eyed stranger setting up dates in my house, in front of me. He even went for a three-day weekend with MOW and came home to our house. When he looked at me, I could tell he didn't care if I lived or died. We didn't speak to each other unless the kids were home.

The kids were on edge from the atmosphere in the house, even though they didn't know exactly what was going on. They knew something was wrong.

The pain was unbelievable. I wouldn't recommend it.

He wants to leave the furniture here.

He says he wants to be able to tell the kids exactly what's happening.

Nekorb, He's got a plan. Or should I say he and OW have this covered?

Why don't you ask him? I suspect because it's because you don't want to accept that he's moving from your bed into OW's.

Nekorb, also remember that you can and should get a temporary plan (via the court) to separate finances during the S period leading up to D. So while the pot will be shared, of course, you will each have your own pool of money and he can do what he likes with his to make arrangements he an afford. So it wouldn't be coming out of a joint pot -- part of S is splitting the pot.

Get your attorney to help you draw up on offer on how to split assets, debts, and the monthly income. Talk to the attorney about whether it would be beneficial to get a job now or wait, it may affect spousal support. Get the numbers so you know what you are dealing with and can make your own decisions about what is best financially.

And DONT TELL HIM ANY OF THAT.Once you have a plan drawn up, you can have your attorney submit it to him or his attorney, and you can negotiate then. But wait until you have an offer on the table, and most importantly know what legally you are entitled to. Then he won't be able to talk you in loops.

Plus, if he isn't living here, when does he come and pack his stuff?

You hefty bag his ass. Hell, if I were you I would hefty bag his ass and then carry it next door to MIL's house. Nothing says "Get the fuck out" like all his crap in a hefty bag.

Where he lives is NOT you concern. How he pays for it is NOT your concern. YOUR concern is getting temp orders for SS, CS, and exclusive use of the home. Focus on that.

If you do decide to allow him to stay in the house while working thru the process of D (and notice the wording I used -- if YOU decide to ALLOW him), then hefty bag his ass and put it in the spare room or the basement or the closet in the den where he will sleep on the couch. Then put a lock on your bedroom door because I guarantee he will violate your space and he will enter your room when you are not there and he will walk right in without knocking when you are there. It is his way of exerting control and he will claim it is his "right".

I've asked him point black exactly where he intends to live. What he *says* is that he wants to buy something close by so that visitation is easy on the kids.

I've actually not intercepted any communication between them that would indicate they are going to live together. But who knows...

As to hefty bagging his stuff to MIL...I wouldn't do that to her. She's my biggest supporter in all this mess and has already told him if he leaves he isn't coming to her house. I have the best MIL in the world. I hope to be as good as her some day.

This is all really scary and surreal.

As to hefty bagging his stuff to MIL...I wouldn't do that to her.

You are a good DIL

I asked him where he expected the kids to spend time with him if he has no furniture, he doesnt want to rent, wants to buy a house, but says "I won’t have room for the kids in the beginning". I asked him where exactly he was moving to if he doesn't want to rent and doesn't think he will have room for the kids to visit. He didn't answer.

Not. Your. Problem.

Focus on Nekorb!!

Also, FYI, there are an unlimited number of places where dads can spend time with their kids. It doesn't need to be in a home setting. Think of all the things good dads do with their kids outside the home. They go places, do things, live life. That shouldn't stop simply because you're S/D. And if it does? That's not your fault. If that does happen then it's an example of what a loser mook your WH is. It's his fault. It's not your fault from lack of planning.

Furthermore, your children are adults/near adults. Dad not having a place of his own isn't going to irreparably damage them. They will not be scarred for life if they have to have dinner with Dad at a restaurant.