SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So unlike many that have successfully "kicked out" their STBXes I'm in in house purgatory. Hopefully I can get the D moving along but the paralegal is taking FOREVER with my paperwork.

Anyway, I'm wondering how those of you that did/are doing in house handled the finances? I want to make sure he doesn't continue to have claim in the house (he helped but it but only my name is on it) because equity is increasing fast so I have been paying the mortgage out of my own account since I filed. I also transferred most of the bills over. Still in the joint account where his money is is the cell phone bill (family account with me, him and his brother), an HOA fee of about $200 and my life insurance for $124. I have basically been counting this as his rent. BUT he has the run of the house, sleeps in the master, and isn't paying for the nanny or child support save buying a couple of groceries. He says he will move out but I see NO motion in this direction and doubt it will happen until the D is settled (currently trying to get a default while his is trying to Hoover). He has said he'll pay what i think is fair. So I've been thinking about sending him an email saying what he should be paying and when. So maybe the $500 he would owe me in CS if I got my 80/20 custody plus some $$$ in rent. But how much should the rent be? And would it be cleaner if I put the rest of the bills in my name? (And separated the phones of course?). Should he pay 20% of the nanny?

Thanks in advance for any advice on how to split things up and how to word the email. Trying to come out of my scaredy cat codependent shell!

And anyone try to get them to do chores? The Snake has been a lazy PIS for a while now but I do absolutely everything and he has gotten messier since he got served (I have to clean up after him because DS is only 19 months and will get into stuff and get hurt, etc)

I hope you're not doing any chores for the snake? No cooking/washing/cleaning his room etc?

As for the snake's stuff. Get a big box with a lid and just chuck anything he leaves lying around into it. If he asks where anything is, show him the box. Once it's full, tip it onto the floor in his room....or if his door has a lock on it, get another box and start filling it too. Makes it safe for your little one but sends a clear message to the snake as well.

When I was doing in house, I looked at his salary and mine. He made 60% of the money coming in, I made 40%. So, I went down the bills and split them 60/40. Gave him the amount I expected in the joint account.

I split our groceries 50/50. After all, 4 of us in the house, he should pay to feed is kids as much as I, so it was 50/50.

I didn't have nanny expenses, but WTF are you thinking 20%???? Are they his kids?? Then he should be paying 50%!

I handed him the application to get his own gas card. He could pay his own gas expenses. No more using mine.

Etc.

Now, in your case, you have been paying all the mortgage payments, etc, but I think you will need to talk to a lawyer to see if that's enough to cut him out of the equity. I don't think it is. Any "rent" he pays will be looked at as his part of the household expenses, and you will owe him half the equity on the marital home when you file. If that's so, he should be paying half. If you paying the mortgage solely makes it you only owe him equity up to when he was contributing months ago, then keep it that way. Check with a lawyer.

Chores...I told mine that while he was living in the house Tues and Thurs (I picked two nights) he was responsible for feeding the kids, homework, etc. I made it clear I expected him to clean certain areas, etc. If he didn't keep it up, he could get out NOW. It's a little harder I think because you are both living in the areas, and what are you going to do if he doesn't?? Only recourse is tell him to leave.

On that note, don't let him keep going like this. TELL him he has until March 15 (or whatever) to get out. Give him a deadline.

As far as the rest (keeping the house, equity, etc) get thee to a lawyer.

We have in house separation too. Can't wait to see his cheating a$$ out the door. Luckily he is not home much. Gets home 10 at night, leaves at 7 in morning. Gone every weekend. I don't do his laundry or cook for him, he doesn't eat the food I buy. We have had separate accounts for 28 years so we haven't changed much. House is paid for and he pays utilities a big lump sum every January. I pay groceries, household expenses, medical, clothes and school needs, mine and kids cell phones and any other incidentals. I would check with your L but seems like he has a good thing going, Place to stay with no bills. He should have to pay some portion of the living expenses.

Softcentre, he usually has a suitcase lying around somewhere. I throw his stuff in there, except the dishes that I often have to pick off the floor and wash (don't want roaches ). I have had a housekeeper come in every 2 weeks for months since I have no time to do all the housework alone so he gets the room cleaned that way (no discount for skipping that room). We do have an understanding that if either of us cooks we make enough for everybody and cooking is just about his only contribution so I'm not going to be fussed about cooking a little extra.

Devistatedmom - very helpful post thanks. I guess I make about 50% more but not sure I want to look at it that way since I don't want to pay SS. I can't really split the groceries evenly since he's often gone mon or Tues through Friday. Maybe I'll charge him like a $50 flat fee?

The reason I suggested he pay 20% of the nanny is because I am going for 80% custody so technically I'm 80% responsible for his care right? Although 20% will be a significant increase for him since he currently only watches him during part of my weekend work hours (I am working this evening and I'm caring for DS until I leave and the nanny watches him until almost bedtime because the Snake is off with his trainer )

About the mortgage. I filed in November and though I'm using a paralegal now to try and get a default judgement I did consult with a lawyer and she said since the house is just in my name (he had to quit claim due to back CS for his OC) I could argue it's separate property and just pay him back his half of the down payment and mortgage paid from community funds. I decided I'd throw in the equity to make it seem even more fair to the Snake and the judge.

I think I'm screwed on the chores, you're right. I'll make requests but they won't happen. As for giving h a deadline to leave he's threatened to stay until I buy him out and I'm sure he'll go back to that. But maybe if I charge more he'll be more inclined to leave.

Another thought that worries me is that I will be giving him a clearer picture of his future finances. He is already paying $1500 in CS for his OC. With CS and partial nanny for DS he's looking at a 3rd of his paycheck gone. He might consider this and go after SS, which would kill me

Myowndystopia - man I wish the Snake was gone that much! So since he does no childcare are you getting sole custody? Your split seems a little uneven on the face of it (you seem to pay for more?)

Quick question..

I haven't filed yet but we are also in an in-house separation..

I charge for the insurance premium I pay on WH's medical insurance thru my former employer (I am retired-life time pension and med insurance)

I charge for 30% of the bills incoming each month..

WH buys and cooks all of the groceries..

He has been working for the last month or so...I know this job is temporary, but I am not sure of its time frame..

I am glad that he is working now, he can no longer say that he can't work..

My question...How do you make STBX pay what you are charging for bills, rent, etc? Some of these POS people will just laugh at what we are asking unless/until there is a legal agreement in place?