Hey 20Wrongs--
Such an important topic, and an issue I've struggled with in my life as well. I definitely craved/needed EV in the past. I've also struggled with body image issues (perfectionism issues), even though I've always been within my target weight and fit/athletic. It turns out I have a lot of shame associated with my body (as apparently do the vast majority of women).
For me, when I decided to raise my boundaries 10+ years ago, it seemed to help me distance myself from any EV. Instead of wanting it, it made me uncomfortable.. Over the years, I practiced becoming more assertive, and that really helped me too--because besides the EV, I had "I want everyone to like me" syndrome. I started reading more on women's issues, especially concerning body image and media. And then I started to get mad, as I realized--a lot of this crap is foisted upon us. We're told to look a certain way, be a certain weight, that it's super important we make ourselves over so guys find us attractive. That we should be nice, not authentic.
It's all bullshit.
I think it helped that I had kids, and started to think about the futures I wanted for them. How I wanted them to hold themselves, what I wanted to teach them about how appearance is NOT the most crucial thing, and as long as they are happy with what they see and feel healthy, then to heck with the external noise. I also started writing books for children, so it became even more important to me that I get this right. Objectification is not okay, and it's not something I want to pass on to future generations.
At some point, I looked at myself in the mirror and just knew that as long as I accepted myself, I'd be okay. If I accepted myself, everyone else would have to, too. I could do my hair a funky way because *I* liked it, and who cared if others didn't? It's MY hair. My clothes. My body. MINE. And it's really no one else's freaking business what I do with any of those things.
I think, really, it was more a matter of learning to respect and admire myself as a person, and the rest just fell into place. To realize that I am much more than my looks, and I have a lot more important and great things to offer than a toned pair of legs, or whatever.
I'm still a work in progress. I think we all are. But it is a lot easier now.
As for weight---I grew up with a morbidly obese mom who used to be a beauty queen, pre-kids. She valued us for appearance and achievement. It didn't help that in my sport back then, there were regular weigh ins and body fat testing--and extra workouts for those who were over a certain (totally healthy) percentage.
Because of that, I struggled with being obsessive about weight for quite awhile, and finally learned to let that go about 10 years ago. I stopped the compulsive weigh-ins, and got rid of the scale entirely. SO. FREEING. We have one again now, but I weigh myself to make sure I'm not losing too much (DDay knocked off pounds). I won't say that I don't still struggle with perfectionism issues and body checking, but I've also learned to be more comfortable in my own skin, and accepting.
Your comment about wanting to look hotter for your BS gave me pause. Honestly, I think a healthier attitude would be to make it about YOU and being healthy. Maybe set a work out goal instead? Or you want to put on x amount of muscle? Bc while it's totally fine and natural to want to dress up and look attractive for our SO's sometimes, if your entire appearance goal centers around someone else, I fear you are simply substituting one form of EV for another.
YOU. That is the person who you need validation from. Accept yourself, be kind to yourself, set realistic and achievable expectations. And when you learn to like the person beneath your skin, you will learn to be more accepting and comfortable with whatever version you see on the outside--and as a result, no longer need others to validate that outer shell.
[This message edited by SpotlessMind at 7:50 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]