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You know, I used to feel this way before my affair. Not since. Not in four years. And I understand why. And I don't know if it'll ever come back.

I wonder if I need that? It's not really the same thing as being put on a pedestal, it's the feeling that you are someone special to that other person, that they hold you safely in their hands and you are the best thing that ever happened to them.

Not anymore. But I wonder if mature love can mean maybe you just share your life with someone, and they with you. You cherish yourself and hold yourself that way.

I'm not sure. But I really really miss it.

I don't think it's wrong to want/need that from a partner. And no, I don't see it as being on a pedestal either (something I don't agree with) but as being valued, loved, safe and yes, seen as special.

(((rachel)))

[This message edited by wildbananas at 1:46 PM, February 24th (Monday)]

I wouldn't know, but I'd like to feel it.

No stop sign...

As the BW, I know that I do not cherish my WH like I used to, and I never will.

Its sad for both sides.

I struggle with this too. Feeling like I am worthless and my BH doesn't give a damn about me is one of the toughest consequences of my affair. And to make things worse, when I wonder or ask myself "When will I matter to him again?" its just a reminder of my selfishness rearing its head again. Double whammy.

Work for it. I tend to see more expression of anger at your spouse than you cherishing him.

My advice, take it for what is is worth, is to just set aside the score keeping and the who owes who what as a mad hatter and just go about DATING your husband. Dive in. Choose to make your relationship sing again.

That isn't to say you can't go back later and try to work through issues. But it just might be that what you need is to set aside a few months where you let all that go and just dive into your relationship for the sheer joy of it put some energy into being loving and being loved.

best luck

mm, not sure I agree warp. I do treat him lovingly and I cherish him for all the good stuff he has done in the past and is doing now. And I make sure he knows that.

not sure what else I can do.

Unfortunately I understand exactly how you feel. Only in my case the roles are reversed. The sad part is you can't make some one feel something they don't no matter how hard you try. Being loving, and kind isn't always enough. I struggle so much with this because I always felt he truly loved and cherished me before DDay. Now I just don't know. I hope you can get back the feeling of being cherished again. I think for me, because of all that's happened, mostly the lies and a lot of the truths, I will always keep my heart guarded and not allow myself to trust those feelings anyway. Maybe your H is feeling the same way? It's scary to make yourself vulnerable by believing the person who hurt us really does love and cherishes us. It leaves you open for more pain.

Anyway, God Bless!

Every situation is different, so YMMV.

The fact that my BW is going through this pain, upsetting her family and schedule and spending all this money to make things work, makes me feel more loved than I have in a long time. I am learning that she values the healed, honest person that I used to be (and am going to be again) so much that she is going through the hell I created.

I'm not sure it is the same as being "cherished" but it is the greatest validation that I can imagine.

I've been reconciled a long time now, 4 going on 5 years. I wanted to chime in because I want to say that I never stopped loving my husband. It might have been easier if I had

I also want to say that I absolutely 100% cherish the man. I try to show him how I feel and tell him. I never want him THINKING he knows what's on my mind again...as in thinking I don't love him or want him or cherish him.

I am not saying things are perfect...but whose marriage is perfect? I know he loves me too. In part because he put up with the Banshee/Jeckyl/Hyde I became during reconciliation. If he thought I was in any way horrible or out of control or well...anything before the affair...I was a million times worse after, while trying to heal/decide to make it work/deal with the huge gaping wound it created.

I feel loved. And when I feel like I need more emotional/physical attention aka to be cherished...I say so. Literally, say so because that's how he needs that sort of communication. "Hey, handsome pants, come over here on the sofa and snuggle me because I'm seriously dying for some attention." And I don't do it during football games or races. Yeah, because I cherish him.

It CAN get better.

rekindle - when I wonder or ask myself "When will I matter to him again?" its just a reminder of my selfishness rearing its head again.

(((((rekindle)))))

rekindle, I don't think wanting to feel that you matter to your husband is your selfishness rearing its ugly head. Yes, there is a strong selfish component to cheating. Please don't think that means that any emotional need you have is nothing more than selfishness. It isn't. We all need to feel loved, valued, respected.

Your post really struck me, in a very sad way. Please, don't think you don't deserve to want happiness, or that it's selfish to want to be happy and feel loved. That doesn't take away from anyone else. There is nothing selfish in that desire.