SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I have been here a while take what i need ignore what i dont. I do go back later to read again and some of what i didnt get at the time; I do now!

I am one year NC this week it was bittersweet im so proud but i have been sad too.A lot of people have lurrve and some do have love i think. I did have love- it was 5 years talking, spending time with, and having fun with someone who i felt so connected to...sometimes miss him! I think more do people than do not! they just may not admit it! It gets netter with time and at a year out it is so much less. Each month it gets better. I still have never felt disgust- anger yes! But with myself for trusting.

Everyone is on their own time table! try to be thoughtful, considerate,and loving to your life and H! I am leaving for a trip for work hes working ot! Kids not home - they are teenagers. I brought one of our favorite dinners home and had a great night! It can happen.

What I have issues with still is that the chemistry, attraction, need is not even similar. Things are good dont get me wrong but I miss that intensity! I am doing way better! You need time...it helps! Take the time you need. Dont make decisions foggy! If you do you will have regrets!

time can be your friend! Take what you need for you-but be considerate.

[This message edited by pastthelies at 6:53 PM, March 1st (Saturday)]

I don't seem to find anything useful out of your posts. Questioning my "good person" stuff again is old news. We don't agree, I get it. I get that you don't think I'm a good person but move on and leave me alone please.

Ok confussed43, you don't want to hear from posters who challenge your concepts and opinions, so be it.

I wish you luck.

Has your husband expressed any anger at all? If not he may still be in shock. It is highly favorable that he will get to an anger phase. Be prepared. If you haven't reached true remorse, you could be very tempted to contact your AP again. Your actions now will really determine if your marriage recovers.

Indifference toward OM is one of things you should try to achieve. I know the feelings may never just go away, but it is how you respond to those feelings is what will make the difference.

Ok confussed43, you don't want to hear from posters who challenge your concepts and opinions, so be it.

No quite the opposite. I don't think what you are doing is challenging my thoughts and concepts. I think you are bringing up old stuff "being a good person" when it's unnecessary or calling me 15 just because you want to. I already said what I did was immature and owned up to that as being a game. I think it's fun for you to kick the new waywards around because you think you've earned that right. Like it's ok because you've also cheated so we are on the same side and you're just trying to help us.

Obviously I screwed up the other night, no question about it.

It saddens me that 2 people lost access to ever posting in Wayward forum because of posting me a reply when I had a stop sign up. I didnt read the first one but I did the second comment and it was not a bad hurtful comment. It had encouraging words. So for you to be able to post comments with no value in my threads and have it be ok, and for someone else to lose access seems wrong. I put up a stop sign because I knew what I did was wrong and I didn't need to hear it from WSs and BSs but I have found the BSs have been great with giving me helpful advice on how to help my husband and I have the best chance of R.

FRM: He has expressed some anger but not like I would have thought. He is not a yeller and screamer. He wrote me a very intense letter this week that has a lot of anger and hurt in it but he is just more of a solid thinker. He see's the big picture and wants to work towards that but needs to see progress in me. He is not an emotional man which I guess I never really noticed. I am the opposite so maybe I never noticed. He is an amazing writer and I think that is the better way for him to express himself. I have encouraged him to keep writing me.

True Remorse: Each day I hope it shows up and each night I go to bed hoping for the same thing tomorrow. Will it ever show up? I know he will not wait forever and has given it a time frame. I want to feel it but I can't for some reason yet. I have read the post on indifference and read it frequently. I do feel like I want to talk to AP but I don't make contact. I don't know why I want to but I do. Some days are better for me and I dont think about him as much. I think each day will get better as time goes on.

Confused,

Thank you.

I most likely said "you never loved me" because it's a game I've always played when dating.

Did you use this same technique on the OM?

True Remorse: Each day I hope it shows up and each night I go to bed hoping for the same thing tomorrow. Will it ever show up?

Confused, true remorse doesn't just show up. It's not something you find. It's not misplaced under the couch cushion waiting for you to discover it. It's something you feel because your actions have caused pain to another person.

I think you are missing the remorse due to perspective. You want to have it for your BH but it's hard to have remorse when on some level you continue to feel properly justified in your actions. It's clear that you have some deep seated anger towards your BH based on your actions. And it's that anger or justification that is road blocking any sort of remorse you may possibly have.

What if you were to drive under the influence. You hit a pedestrian. They are now paralyzed for life. Do you feel remorse? Do you feel horrible and want to try to make some sort of amends with that person? Do you have to work that shit out emotionally through therapy because of the shame and guilt you associate with your actions? Most likely. You don't go off telling yourself that it was the pedestrian's fault for walking on the sidewalk you plowed over. That had they been better at jumping they wouldn't be paralyzed. That is the sort of thing you would have to take ownership of.

I feel like you are missing the mark on some ownership. You can feel remorse for understanding that you you and you alone have caused another human being excruciating pain. Take out whether or not you want to stay married. Take out whether or not you think your AP is the bomb-diggity. You hurt another human being. Isn't that enough to feel some remorse over? People hurt so badly from infidelity that they take lives over it. Sometimes their own, sometimes the AP, and sometimes the unfaithful, or any combination there of. It's serious.

So what kind of person do you want to be? Someone who is careless with others feelings and purposefully hurtful? Or someone that lives with integrity? Choose what kind of person you want to be and begin living your life as such. You say you aren't a fake it til you make it kind of person. That's great but I seriously doubt that you wake up every morning telling yourself that you are going to just get through the day doing the minimal. That acting like a jerk is just fine with you. That hurting other people purposefully is just dandy. I'm sure that you want to be a decent human being with love and compassion. So do the work to get there. Act with love and compassion. Maybe then you can feel that remorse you have been looking for.

I tell this advice to everyone and maybe it will help you:

when I was in the thick of despair after ending my affair, my IC told me that in a year, I would see things much differently - even to think I could fall back in love with my husband. She was right. Do not give up hope.